yom kippur meditation

i forgive your indescretions and repeated
mistakes and i forgive
the hidden nature of your heart
i forgive you wallowing in the sadness
the fear of trusting, and finally your anger

now, will next year be different?

lonliness

its been awhile, been spending too much time on facebook and not enough time looking in...i used to journal all the time, but after starting a blog, i got used tomy inner demons being displayed for whom ever to see.

very sad this morning, and wanting it to be seen, but not by people who know me, and besides, im pretty sure no one comes here any more after my year of silence

many moons of loss as of late, loosing my dad, having drop foot and left side weakness, loosing my grandmother, changes at work, finding out my other grandmother has cancer, and having my best hang out buddy turn a date into a full time situation in the matter of a week (spending the whole time with me texting this guy, and stopping by just to let me know im being cancelled cause anytime we had set up is the only time he can see this guy)

im childish, i know, but im left feeling used and unimportant...but then again i find me unimportant, im uninterested in being with myself

depression is a bitch


Song of the day:

The National- Sorrow

this is exactly hosw i feel...embracing sorrow

..dont leave my hyper heart alone
on the water
cover me in rags and bones and sympathy
cause i dont want to get over you

sorrow waited, sorrow won

dad, pregnant (with me) mom and cousin aimee


i have things to say again, things i want to be witnessed but unsure whom to say them to...

my dad died this january...it was always a difficult relationship...no it wasnt difficult when i was under three, from the pictures i can tell we enjoyed and loved eachother...

but when i was three he left my mother for the first time,and after accidentally being exposed to nova's 'the miracle of life' after sesame street one morning lounging on a yellow chair with my bankie in hand, sitting there trying to process what i was learning about how i came to be (so very different then the books i'd read at the library) and at this moment...

at that moment, my mother decided to tell me that my dad was sterile and that my father was an anonymous sperm donor, but that i was born out of love

but my father didnt want me to know, hadnt told his family and this move on my mothers part forced him to make it public knowledge

i mean, he didnt really have a choice, cause i was running up to everyone-perfect strangers at the bus stop even- and saying to them...

"my mommy was artificially inseminated!!"

i came across a blog by a woman whose profile begins with the line "i am the daughter of an anonymous sperm donor"....

but me, i am the daughter of a man born in a displaced persons camp whose best wasnt as much as i needed and who happened to have a very low sperm count...and even if he was also my biological father, i'd still have very little knowledge of my genetics as the war wiped out the majority of his family and the rest of them...

well they dadn't talk about the past at all

Song of the day: sorrow-the national

reconnecting with self

good morning to all, if there is anyone at all who still pops in every now and then to say good morning

i am full of energy today...i had a ceu with jackie last friday, and it was wonderful to be back in a classroom with her...she does support the best environment for me...i can spread out in the field and allow myself to fill the room without drowning others out

this belongs here, on after enlightenment, because it is she that inspired me to start this blog, and it was something i stopped enjoying after we had a break in our connection...but have realized since that break that i can find that same inspirational feeling inside of myself without her...it just is made ten times more powerful in her presence (so interested in the energetioc aspect of things now a days)

....anyhow, i want to share the experience...and i will, but nmot right now, i have to go to target, but hopefully i will post agaion this afternoon

Song of the day: what i am- edie brickell

Song of the day:

gestalt/energy playwork assignment

"stands alone"
"downward dog"
"soldiers, 1776"
"eye contact"

Song of the day: buckets of rain - bob dylan