overshare

i am tired of only having personal stuff to talk about.

i mean, it is not as if the world has stopped, and yet i have. i find no interest in the news currently. i am tired of hearing more and more about the subversive realities our government is involved in. it's not as if knowing these things is making any difference, causing change. but ofcourse i have my own theory on why this is that involves decaying school systems as a tactic to keep the people down and the use of psychotropic medications, starting with ridalin in elementary school, to keep our children complacent and create adults that are dependant on drug companies for happiness.

but my personal stuff, now that is about growth and change, the growth and change of my own individualized self. i wish the story could be more interesting then it is, maybe full of blatant drug use and uncensored sexuality- but it is not. it is about me and my shadow, and our introduction to jackie, a cataclysmic woman (almost sounds racy, huh?) who is better known around here as my "majickal professor".

we have purpose for each other, and the only thing i am interested in anymore is the long, slow journey towards understanding this purpose. and yes, she is willing to go there with me, but time and convenience slow things down, and i am hesitant to face my future, so add my size ten clodhoppers dragging across the pavement and snow covered grass to the list of challenges facing us. and no, i don't know where we are going, but i sure am excited to find out.

...oh yeah, and in the middle of all this, i need to find a job, with benefits and everything, so if anyone knows of a good social work position that would allow me to receive supervision by an LISW, feel free to let me know.

song of the day: "closer to fine"- indigo girls
thank you, mandy, for this song of the future
said in my language, congradulations to us both on graduating

heifers and chickens

this year for christmas, i bought my friend sally's kids donation gifts of bees and fowl from http://www.heifer.org. they are all quite young, and when i called sally and told her, i thought she might be annoyed by these gifts, as i figure the kids won't like it. but sally surprised me with her response, saying that she has no problem talking to them about how much they have and how i am showing my love for them by trying to increase the quality of life for children that have less. she also told me jake, her second oldest and a wonderful almost-8 year old, would love the gift. i wish i could be there with them to talk about it, but due to graduating, i had to work this year PRN on the inpatient psych unit.

yes, i am jewish, and christmas means nothing to me, but i am honored to have my friend's support in reaching for what i understand to be the true meaning of this holiday, which is not about getting things (though hasbro would disagree with me i am sure) but about caring about things and changing the world.

Song of the day:

solstice

so today will be longer then yesterday was. last night,
the change in nature was guided for me by an invite to jackie's community celebration, with many free spirits, two bonfires, four horses, two dogs, one cat, and a timberwolf. there were drums, there was food, there was love

i can't think of a better way to pass the darkest hours of the year


Song of the day: laugh as the sun-rusted root
thanks to myself for this one
for believing in the power of us all

a different nature

i dont know how to change the nature of a relationship, move from student/teacher to colleagues. but class is over, i believe i have passed all my classes (now that i come tofind what i thought may not even be a C in my research class was an A), and i know that amazing professor does indeed see more in me. right now, though the grade is in, i am waiting to get back my final paper and class journal, then i will take risks in moving forward, but i wanted to share that transitions can be uncomfortable and akward, and i always feel threatened, like i can ruin something if i am not careful

Song of the day: what i am-edie brickell and the new bohemians

-thank you, Vanessa, for this song of self-acceptance
though not your first choice, it was an important reminder

tzedaka

The Meaning of "Tzedakah"
"Tzedakah" is the Hebrew word for the acts that we call "charity" in English: giving aid, assistance and money to the poor and needy or to other worthy causes. However, the nature of tzedakah is very different from the idea of charity. The word "charity" suggests benevolence and generosity, a magnanimous act by the wealthy and powerful for the benefit of the poor and needy. The word "tzedakah" is derived from the Hebrew root Tzade-Dalet-Qof, meaning righteousness, justice or fairness. In Judaism, giving to the poor is not viewed as a generous, magnanimous act; it is simply an act of justice and righteousness, the performance of a duty, giving the poor their due. (http://www.jewfaq.org/tzedakah.htm)

Song of the day: Imagine-John Lennon

Thank you, Debbie, for this reminder
of humanity and possibility and justice

double bubble

right now i am sitting in an adascc training, and chewing the first piece of bubble gum i have chewed since i started with a retainer in november of 2003. it is amazing. it is like being six years old again. i suggest that everybody get a piece of double bubble, and remember how determined you were
to chaw it into mushiness,
the exhileration of tongue pressing goo to ready position,
the push of air as you blowwwwwww,
the deflating or popping sound as bubble ends,
the glorious bumby slurp back to cheek,
licking strands of sweet off your lips.

Song of the day: scarecrow- melissa etheridge
thank you, lawanna, for your song of truth and love
you are so much more then what you believe you are

endings and changes

class is boring me boring me, and since we are allowed to take notes on our computer, i figured i'd look like i was taking notes but i would really be blogging ;)
school seems so mundane now, here, one paper and a learning contract shy of a degree. this is a time of transition, college ending, employment status changed, no job security- all those adult concerns like health insurance and purpose- i am terrified!

and ok, maybe your thinking, ' thirty may be a little old to just be starting to have these concerns', but i had other concerns to take on first-i am non-linear-i think i am done with this entry, but i am thinking about the gratitude i feel right now, and that should be a post of its own sometime.



Song of the day:#36- dave matthews band
-thank you, Brad, for this expression of connection and relationship
i can't speak for everyone, but absolutely, i'll dance with you.

so jeff says...

mr. hess told me my blog entries are too vague in my time of anxiety and so i will say,

female circumcision is the gender issue that disturbs me so (though it is illegal in senegal, talking about it is still unnerving).....
i dont remember what else he said was lacking

Song of the Day: Sometimes-Spearhead

-thank you, jackie, for this joyous song,
in all my anxiety i had forgotten to acknowledge the joyfulness.

a truly secular country

i had the opportunity to hear a man from senegal speak today. he is here getting his PhD in social work, and discussed a number of social issues that social workers in senegal deal with. i had some difficulty when he discussed gender, it can be really hard for me to see from a different enough perspective to not feel the feelings i felt, like some anger, lots of discomfort, and a feeling that must be akin to how a guy feels when his best friend gets kicked in the groin...

that aside, i was impressed with senegal's ability to deal with the HIV/AIDS crisis. i had already been aware that the french discovered the virus (saw 'and the band played on' at least ten times), but i was not aware that a sengalese? sengolian? sengae (like it would be in latin) anyhow, a doctor from senegal had been involved. he immediatly flew home and addressed the government. warned them about the possible crisis and said 'we have to take action!', and so it was .

two things above all are amazing in this man's story. first, this is the PREVENTION approach. imagine how many lives, and how much money were saved by taking these measures (take a look at the other areas of africa). second, despite the heavy influence of religion in the country (95% muslim, the iman's play a huge role in community decisions), there was no resistance when the government made the choice it did. its as if they know that not everyone believes in god, and understood that denying children, teenagers and adults access to affordable education and protection (and they do make these things available to anyone who wants or is having unmarried sex) was signing their death warrant.

i am going to look into this more.

Song of the day: i am still sad and it is still Cedar Tree

the end of something wonderful

my class, you know the one with the majickal professor, ended today, and it was the loss of so much more then just a taste of education (yeah, like i feel kind of naked without my notebook that i carried and loved for the past fifteen weeks-but the notebook is now just a frozen moment of time to be looked back on, not added to) i dont think this ending treated everyone the same-poor L. couldnt even get it together to get to class, but i believe that each of us has had our world changed by this experience.

my heart hurts today, but i am so excited to see what the future holds.

Song of the day:Cedar Tree- Indigo Girls

so sorry

the anxiety of finals is getting to me, i am feeling at risk of not making it through the semester, so i will be silent for another two weeks mosxt likwly

imprisonment

i am locked in my apartment right now, have plans, have calls to make, but my cell phone is in the car and my door knob jammed and then i tried to take the door handle off which only made things worse. so i called the emergency number, and the on call maintenance is on his way. only i am at shaker square and he is on the west side and it is snowing like mad, so it appears that i am not going out nor talking to anyone (since my land line has no long distance and all my local numbers are not memorized but on my phone).

looks like a long boring night of waiting thats in store for me tonight.

news?

From Yahoo News: AUSTIN, Texas - Attorneys for Rep. Tom DeLay are hoping a judge will dismiss the conspiracy and money laundering charges against the former House majority leader so he can regain the powerful seat.

Duh! if i was his lawyer, that's exactly what i would want too.

Song of the day:

a question for anyone

"And the question in my mind is how many additional American casualties is Saddam worth?" Cheney said then in response to a question."And the answer is not very damned many. So I think we got it right, both when we decided to expel him from Kuwait, but also when the president made the decision that we'd achieved our objectives and we were not going to go get bogged down in the problems of trying to take over and govern Iraq."

i found this in a yahoo discussion on al-zarqawi's status. it was supposedly a comment cheney made in 1992 about decisions that were made about iraq the first time around. was wondering if anyone knows the validity of this quote or the actual source or maybe even remember anything about this.

Song of the day:

clear message on iraq for once

"our troops have become the primary target of the insurgency. they are united against u.s. forces and we have become a catalyst for violence. the war in iraq is not going as advertised. it is a flawed policy wrapped in illusion"- Sen. Murtha.

and so where we are, people get hurt. what i really like about what senator murtha said is the clarity in it. he has a belief that we should withdrawal in six months, and he supports his belief with sound logic- that our presence in iraq is what is leading to the high level violence and iraqi civilian casualties (catalyst for violence). and i say this knowing that something can be logical without being "true", though i think it's a sound theory.

i dont know that i agreee with the senator, but i do know that i would like to have some alternatives to it that clearly state both what is disagreed/agreed with and why keep something or what they would like to replace something with so i could make a sound decision on what to support. but nobody really says anything. they squabble and fight... like this attacking of murtha for having a different and viable opinion/alternative.

i am tired of my government treating me like an eight year old, when the world was still black and white, and your father (president) spouting that old cliche "because i said so" was enough to make you tow the line.

gestalt?

suddenly, out of my fear and confusion, all these options for the next phase of my life are being thrown at me. my mother left a message on my machine this morning that pretty much said that if i want a doctorate i can do that next with her financial help.
just last night that majickal professor of mine suggested the gestalt institute, which i would love at some point.
my field supervisor recommended getting a job as a mental health case manager through center for children and families....

but still, the question remains, what about the health insurance?

Song of the day: theme song to reading rainbow

the blue cross/blue shield blues

so here i am, only four weeks from grad and the "you mean i have to get a real job?!" panic is starting to set in a little.

now don't get me wrong, i am really looking forward to heading into my professional life, but i am afraid that i will have to base my life decisions on what kind health insurance i can get.

i was diagnosed with MS when i was 20. at that point i had insurance through my mother, and about a year and a half after i was diagnosed, they found something my mother did wrong in her application, and we were kicked off the insurance

enter the "pre-existing condition". when i reached my cobra limit later on, and had to get insurance, i had no options. there is a clause in the HIPAA (health insurance portability and accountability act) laws that requires companies to insure you so long as you were insured at the time of diagnosis and have had continuing coverage since (which i was and did). this is the pre-existing condition" clause. not every state has one, but the state of ohio does have a pre-existing condition clause, so i was guaranteed the basic minimum plan (20% coverage after deductable). that is the only coverage available to me.

i know my anxiety is a little premature, i do not know much about how it works through employment as opposed to individual plans, but i feel limited by needing to think in terms of "what states have no pre-existing clauses?"


Song of the day:

targeting a self-indulgence

so this morning i got some very sad news. i found out that target superstores have a policy that allows pharmacists to refuse to fill birth control prescriptions. the consequence is that i will no longer be able to spend my saturday afternoons shopping for affordable home decorations and cheaper cat litter.

oh oh oh, my class is starting so i can't go into my tirade on how miserable it makes me when my integrity is at odds with my frivolous self-comforts - after all, i am all ready off to a bad start to this class having been late the first day and forgett ing to take me name tag with me despite explicit instructions to take it and be sure to bring it bask

Song of the day: "as is" by ani difranco

a vote of reason

cheers to voters in pennsylvania, who showed the true power of the masses when they failed to re-elect eight of the nine school board members who added intellegent design to the science curriculum. here's to the seperation of church and state!

read the story at:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051109/pl_nm/election_usa_evolution_dc

i, torturer

when i read that our government would not allow the UN to interview our prisoners, i felt angry and thought about blogging, but i was busy, and blah blah blah.
but then i caught Bill Mahr, and heard about the 'black sites' and found this:

from Boing Boing:
Black sites, reports of torture by US overseas Snip from the big Washington Post story today:
The CIA has been hiding and interrogating some of its most important al Qaeda captives at a Soviet-era compound in Eastern Europe, according to U.S. and foreign officials familiar with the arrangement.
The secret facility is part of a covert prison system set up by the CIA nearly four years ago that at various times has included sites in eight countries, including Thailand, Afghanistan and several democracies in Eastern Europe, as well as a small center at the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba, according to current and former intelligence officials and diplomats from three continents.
The hidden global internment network is a central element in the CIA's unconventional war on terrorism. It depends on the cooperation of foreign intelligence services, and on keeping even basic information about the system secret from the public, foreign officials and nearly all members of Congress charged with overseeing the CIA's covert actions.

now i saw the midnight express, and i know that the rules in these counties are far from american values based. HOW DO I FIGHT THIS? i am ashamed to be american tonight.

perfectionism

will be an issue. i haven't known what to say these past few days, is it too much information, will people (my friends) think i am stupid or silly or frivolous, wasting space and time... on and on and on it goes.

i dread my humanity and envy every one else's ability to just live their lives and love eachother, and faith, how the hell am i supposed to learn how to have faith?

i want to be perfect at something, just one thing truly... only it never sticks to one thing right, and perfectionism is a myth. nothing is perfect, not even god.

the greek gods were so imperfect. the gritty reality of human nature divided into seperate, concrete, individuals that could be easily understood and taught. but my imperfection confuses me, and i get so anxious that someone's gonna be mad at me and i am gonna be in T-R-O-U-B-L-E (can we say super ego or complex or faulty thinking or whatever) for being wrong wrong wrong.

but i keep on keeping on.


song of the day: "season of the witch" by donovan.

poem

The long Stick jabbing
straight through our natural preserve,
supported, steady Branch on one side.
Brushed up against balancing Stone,
broken Flower smiles, smiles Blood
Red and Leafy Yellow smiles. She buries Acorn
(our continual growth) in the distant
Muddy Blue Jeans, containing the moment.


Gentle Sun shining down on Stick,
she heats the inner, sticky wood,
strokes Flower and Stone and Leaves alike,
softens Mud, Branch stirs and Seed,
she pushes her shoot toward the sky.

MS

i have MS (capatalized in a world of lower case to make sure you understand it means multiple sclerosis), sensory MS to be exact. my skin goes numb, only not really numb, but more the sensation as novacaine wears off, though not always painful, but it does not feel right. my eyes go blind, grayish purple spots that thin as they disappear with healing, it looks like i am looking through a lace curtain that is wearing down with age until at all goes back to normal, except that my reds are a little duller or some other mild annoyance. sometimes the body tightens up in a girdle effect, and i feel trapped in the clothes women had to wear in the victorian era and i cannot take them off. all of these things, they are overwhelming, distracting, and it takes all my energy to tollerate this never ending nightmare i get stuck in until my episodes pass, and knocking on wood, i will continue to recover as i have.

i should be greatful greatful that it isnt any worse. but one time, the left side of my face stopped working and i didnt even notice until i looked at myself in the mirror when i was smiling real big and i looked kinda like a stroke victim with only the one corner turned up. i only remembered when literally faced with myself. it was tollerable and it scares me that i would rather not be able to move a muscle then be numb.

ok, i am done being morbid for the night.

vote, vote, vote!

this morning, after one of the scariest experiences i have ever had (i forgot to put the rent check in the mail and recieved an eviction notice for it, though its all fixed now), i went to breakfast with a friend of mine and his brother, who is a child advocacy lawyer. they began to discuss the upcoming election, and i listened carefully, as i am not sure how i am voting yet, either mayorally or issuewise.

out of everything they said, one thing has stuck for sure. it is in the current status' best interest if voter turns out stays as low as it did in the primary for mayor because if most people got off their couches, they would most likely vote against that which hasnt been working

so get up, get dressed, and go vote!

mental health

i should be doing homework, i really should, but 'sybil' is on oxygen and theres nothing more satisfying to an unjaded mental health worker then the possibility of saving a sybil.

now i, personally, am jaded, well, atleast aware of the current belief that doctor wilber conjured up sybil's personalities, but still cling to the feeling i got the first time i saw the film.

i was young, eight or so, and so scared of the music, but she was so happy at the end, sitting in the grass with doctor wilber. i see miracles every day at work, but i have many sound concerns reguarding future treatment of the mentally ill. most recently, there is the consistitant stream of contradictory studies done on anti-psychotic medications, as well as the unreasonable cost of drugs and declining reimbursements hospitals recieve from third party payees.

there is nothing harder then watching a client decompensate in their daily living because the one drug that truly aids her in remission is an atypical drug her insurance wont cover and the doctors wont apply for a patient assistance program.

three: social work with groups

my change, it all started with a college class i opted to take to better understand the natural chaos inherent to working within multiple systems. sounds so scholarly, right? well, instead of being given simple textbook work that charicterizes my graduate program's curriculum, i was thrown into a boiling hot cauldron of a work load (99 percent internal and scalding) with an ecentric and majickal professor stoking the fire.

an education rarity is all i can say. following suit of 'no child left behind', our higher institutions are quickly losing the creative aspects that i thought my parents had fought to give us. and now he that giveths taketh away.

i go to higher level private university, i pay over thirteen thousand a semester (or sallie may has, for the moment), and i will graduate having taken only one course that truly stretched, twisted me as a person, moments i was willing to suffer through because i could feel that butterfly flapping her wings as my being absorbed new knowledge.

just wanted to share

two:suggestions

if you know me, know that i will start a post off with "do not read this so and so" if its in your best interest not to (ok, mom, so you wont have to know how mad or bad i've been)- my suggestion is that you dont read it.

...i think thats my only suggestion

one

i have this eastern saying stuck in my head, have for weeks now.

Before enlightenment, i chopped wood and carried water;
after enlightenment, i chopped wood and carried water

I start this blog to stop fearing my power as an individual and a voice,
and promise free poetry, political fodder, a number of tempertantrums (i'm sure)
though not on any time table.

....but i have to figure out how to do this first.