as is- ani difranco

i know, i know, i have been very quiet, but i just find life moving faster and faster, and i just never seem to be able to blog when i want to....

life is good, good dreams last night, and this was in it


Song of the day: as is- ani difranco
thank you, daniel, for this song
you have no idea how much it meant to me

ओत much

so i started another gestalt program yesterday, working with physical process, and was feeling quite anxious, so i stopped up at the lake before i went, and the blue heron was hanging out on a little stone pyre by the bridge. i started taking pictures of him, but then saw the albino duck, and went to take a shot, when Heron flew off the pyre, and settled right in front of the duck, then i met logan at dinner (i didnt know who he was at first, but we had fun coloring together, then his dad, one of the kitchen workers at the restaurant came over, and told us he had a two day old baby sister, and they were off to see her


Song of the day: circle-edie brickell

allen raymond on bill mahr

its time to stop thinking that if the truth sounds more like a movie, so much so that we try and convince ourselves that there is no way it could be true and remember that movies are nothing but a mirror of real life

protect our vote!!
1.offer a ride to the polls for someone,
2. remind ten friends for ten days of when we vote
3. wear your "i voted" sticker
4.take ten minutes to learn a little about the history of voter suppression


Song of the day

falling-alison moyet

so lets talk about projection, understanding i was never in love with you, just professionally blown away....its true, in some ways, you and me, we are one of a kind, i did find, and being around you, finding such gratification in experiencing you (to this day), i get that what i see in you is what i hide in me.....but truthfully, it's been anything but peaceful (ofcourse, who ever said i liked peace...)

Song of the day:falling- alison moyet

autumn stroll

mum sent me two pair of ugg boots for my birthday this week, so i decided to start getting her moneys worth right away and headed out to the lake

first thing i see this albino looking duck, or its truly the ugly duckling
and then heron crossed my path
the colors arent very impressive this year, but the white duck kept showing up where i was...it was a good walk


Song of the day: woof!- snoop dog

in silence

i have done alot of moving, shifting, changing....
though i miss coming here, finding time to write
at this point in my life, i am more interested in listening than speaking
so much to learn, and only my interest in being taught to give...
this will shift, i am aware
and it exists not in all places (like with interns- there, it is my responsibility to help teach, even as i learn from the full time worker, their supervisor)

how easily done it is, to close self, be dispassionate-
find compassion for the plentitude of truths,
expereiences...from the latin root passeo, to suffer, experience, so feel passion is to suffer,
experience-

thats it for the morning




Song of the day:

workshop: brooke medicine eagle 9/08

September 12-14, 2008 in cleveland ohio...for more information, contact jackie stevenson

Song of the day: path of beauty- brooke medicine eagle

urge for going- joni mitchell

noticed how late the sun is rising this weekend, and this song has been in my head ever since...


Song of the day:urge for going- joni mitchell

old friends and horses

dreamt of this song last night, with these folks singing it...michelle and i had a friendship once upon a time, she'd open for the indigo girls and get me and missy wright backstage passes, take us "grocery shopping" in the dressing rooms after the girls left the arena (artpark
'96 was the bestest, and those chicks ate WELL!!)

anyhow, have horses on the mind, considering a cowgirl weekend, floating back and forth, and now a friend is also interested, but im not as drawn to the whole day as id like in order to spend that kind of money...but it was good to dream of this song, woke up light hearted and full of what is good in me...

not to change the subject at all, and its not really changing anything, considering the full picture, which most of you dont know, but ive been doing some "shadow work" recently, and discovering that its not the darkness i have trouble embracing, its actually something that ive heard is called thge "light shadow", and i do, i have discomfort admiring others, and realizing that what i admire, i have the potential to hold in me...and somehow, this morning, with this song, with this musical dream, everything seems all right, even struggling with this projective dynamic

Song of the day: wild horses- indigo girls w/michelle malone (but we all know its really a 'stones song)

work keys!!!

after four full years as a member of the M........t hospital staff, they have finally given me my own set of keys...one to the social work office and the "P3" key, which opens all the doors on the inpatient psychiatric uit.

i left my other job about two months ago. i didnt love the job- i was a very underpaid secretary/errand girl/driver/editor- and when my new supervisor at the hospital approached me and asked me to take on more hours, i gave my notice to my other boss...i think there was some question in my social system as to why i did this, i was told that "you cant just leave jobs because you dont like them", but the reason i left was to go from 15-20 hours a week to 25-35 at the hospital each week,depending on need....i love being a psychiatric social worker...and besides, it pays 2 and 1/2 what the secretary job did...who wouldnt make the choice i made?

anyhow, having keys, i believe that i am an important employee, wanted, and that i am slowly learning all the intricacies of working with both chronic mental illness and dementia...

Song of the day: she works hard for her money- donna summers

changing habits

sometimes it frightens me how easy it can be for me to find a comfortable (though not normally desirable) place to be in my life, and how much difficulty i have finding motivation for change....however, two weeks ago i became motivated to change my comfortable but harmful habits.

for two weeks now, i have been starting my day with a walk, going out of the way to walk to the coffee shop, i walk a little over a half mile just to get my morning wake up.

i have started eating breakfast everyday....while i cant say eating at home is saving me any money at this point, i can say that when i eat breakfast, i am not as hungry in the evenings and the likelyhood of a 10 pm binge drops by about 60%

ie been doing yoga daily again, just 25 minutes, but find i am more centeres through the whole day for it

and finally, i have been using a site called the daily plate, and can see what it is i am eating....i realize that i eat way too much protien, but that i never seem to reach daily cholestoral requirements....go figure that

i like paying attention to myself in these ways, and am glad i found a little motivation for it...

dreaming

it will be hard to capture this, as major points were lost upon waking, but it feels important to try

for some reason, i need to go to andy's house, and i am going to walk, but my shoes had been taken. i decide to walk anyhow, its a short walk, and i get there, and rosanna is there, and my mother is there, and there is another strange woman, lets call her X (as she was never named).

X is the mother of another woman involved in the dream, though i never see her, i know X has done great harm to her and i distrust her. X's husband is there as well, and it turns out he owns a boat

then we are on the boat, which is huge and it is for some kind of conference. we are supposed to meet up for a lecture at a certain time (i think it was 9) but i was being me, and wanting to do something else, and just as i was going to go off to do whatever, a woman sees me and goes "id you forget about the gathering time?" which i had, and i get onto an elevator with this woman, who spends the entire ride up praising X...

the elevator ride was in and of itself scary, it was a glass elevator, and very snug, and this woman and i sat on the railings as the elevator stopped at every floor, letting others on and off, but finally we reach the top deckwhere people are swimming ina pool

anyhow, lots has been lost in this retelling, but it was a very vivid dream

considering general clark

from yahoo news:

Gen. Clark won't back off critique of McCain
By DAVID ESPO, AP Special Correspondent

WASHINGTON - Retired Gen. Wesley Clark rejected suggestions he apologize Tuesday for saying John McCain's medal-winning military service does not qualify him for the White House. Elaborating, Clark said a president must have judgment, not merely courage and character......Despite criticism from Republicans, Clark declined to back down in an interview Tuesday morning with ABC. "The experience that he had as a fighter pilot isn't the same as having been at the highest levels of the military and having to make ... life or death decisions about national, strategic issues," he said.

Asked whether he felt he owed McCain an apology, Clark responded, "I'm very sorry that this has distracted from the message of patriotism that Sen. Obama wants to put out."

good for both of these men

this is america, and we are voting for one of the most important positions in the world. nothing in what general clark said, i feel, was inappropriate, or questioning on the goodness of mccain as a person, or importance and deserved respect as a soldier

but if we cant start looking at different ideas, and considering what we really want in a president- which for me is the ability to think, go with or against the grain of the people based on deep reflection and critical thinking, as well as courage and goodness- than we are doomed to sink lower and lower in the status of the world

Song of the day:

leaving no child behind....

saw this documentary on hbo the other day....it was like walking back into the halls of margeret ireland high school (which is where i was placed while working for Beech Brook, a local child /adolescent mental health agency

oe of the hardest aspects for me, working at an inner-city alternative (meaning every child had failed at least one grade and most had disciplinary actions against them as well, if not legal issues)high school (meaning grades 7-10, but the students were all of high school age) in the city of cleveland was how hopeless it felt to be there

the administration blames teachers, parents are unable to digest their own lack of involvement and the role that their inability to participate in their kids' education plays, and the kids are allowed to stay in the classroom no matter what their behavior is

all i can think is that we have done them the biggest disservice, all in the name of "saving" them

Song of the day: gangsta's paradise- coolio

dreaming duplicity

dreaming:
at a party at jackie's, recognize a number of the people, there is this little boy there, from next door, whose always liked me and i sit with him for awhile, i see the rock girl, but i wonder where the others are, alot of people i remember from before, from the solstaces

at a different house and there are all the missing people, and i ask them why they arent at the other party and turns out they didnt know about it, and that made me really sadSong of the day:

say good-bye to keeping it live

was at my corner coffe shop last night, met a friend up there, and was looking forward to hearing the wednesday night local band do their rendition of stairway to heaven or an indigo girls tune. i walked up and sitting at the table outside was a small cluster of women that caught my attention due to the packed up instruments and sour expressions, and i thought "now, what could really be that bad?"

inside, my friend had already arrived and was considering her options of cold drinks. i leaned onto the counter and looked down at a newly added sign that read "we are sad to report that as of now, all live music has been suspended until further notice"

the barista in charge on wednesday, a face familiar from a number of years of working coffee bars and running open mic/live music selections was on duty and i said "kevin, why?" he says to me that the big recording companies had been contracting out to local agencias to approach local coffee shops and bars to demand royalties for bands playing covers and that this particular coffee shop couldnt afford the payment, and so could no longer offer live music

having dome some research, it appears that they technically cant even have a football game on without having to pay royalties for the theme song to 'monday night football" (which i didnt even know existed, let alone pay attention to)

i believe that for most bands, sharing the love of music and keeping it live, even if its a terrible newly minte\d high school garage band playing the worst rendition of "smeels like teen spirit" ever, is what its all about....too bad that the big guys, instead of finding a new way to address the money leak from the inter-net bound self producing individuals that are the future of music 9(think radioheads magnificent move to offer their album at consumer set price), they are taking the joy of music away from all

peace out all

Song of the day:

purpose

maybe a blog doesnt need to have purpose...

i have just finished up a period of covering fukll time at the hospital, and find myself feeling like i have some breathing room this morning....and in this breathing room i want to write.

the hardest part for me is that i CANNOT talk about work in this space, my joys and heartaches, approval and indignation...

too many people have lost their employment due to speaking up on the internet reguarding their employers

....but i can talk about healthcare in general, and i can talk about gestalt, and i can write poetry, i can talk about love of nature and i can keep family and friends updated

that is enough purpose for me for now

Song of the day:

camping all by meself on jojo's land

which will- nick drake

i love this guy...most people think he's sad, i think he knew the truth, as his sound feels more honest than most i have experienced...thanks for sharing this with me

Song of the day: which will- nick drake

high hopes

i had such high hopes when i started this blog, to make a difference, to tlak about things that have meaning for me, to live a more aware existance....

recently, as i get more into being healthy and employed, i find i talk little here....

the professor that inspired me, she is no longer interested, and i have not found a new inspiration.....but i still have high hopes....i will be considering the direction this blog will take moving forward, bacause as of right now, i feel like i am kind of wasting space

Song of the day: anthem-leonard cohen

more dreaming and a deer story

i came face to face with a deer yesterday at shaker lakes (yes, i checked myself for ticks), we just looked at eachother for a minute or two, and then she moved quietly into some trees...i know they are common now but for all their regularity, i have never encountered one...it was intense

any how, i dreampt about alex from gestalt last night...we werent friends again in the dream, but i bought her a tv, and me and some friends took it to her house, but it wasnt the tv she wanted, so my friends and i let to get her the right one, so we go to a store, i think i made my friends ignore a party to get the right tv, and i got this white tv that kind of looked like a big ibook
, and it had a cover that opened from the middle and folded out to each side...so maybe like two ibooks together...i cant explain it better right now, but i took it to alex who set it up without saying a word and my friends and i left to have fun

i know there is alot missing in this waking memory, but it seemed worth it to catch

Song of the day: my groups class mix cd- various

post-camping dreams

i had a restless night after this last wolf creek (which i hope to have time to write about, but for now i dont), i fell asleep around 10, woke about 2, tossed and turned til 4:30...but from that point until i got up to shoxer at 5:30 i dreamed....i dont remember them all, but i want to capture these

1. it was some sort of overnight workshop at jackie's house, only i brought my cats along, and it wasnt really jackie's house. my kitten echo wa playing while i was straightening up, and i heard this 'oomph' and i turn around to look at echo, but it wasnt echo, so i blinked my eyes, rubbed them, trying to figure this out, when i realized that there was another kitten sitting on echo, and the dream panned back to view the whole room and there were about 6 more kittens, and i felt a little anxious about this, and then i went to look for jackie to find out what this was, but couldnt so i came back to my room, ready to let any other cat owner that may be thinking my room was their room know that it was in fact my room, i got there first.

2. sitting on a couch across from another couch, jackie in a chair to my left. an older woman across from me and a younger woman next to her. the older woman asks me a question, i dont remember what it was, and then she asks me a second question, which was obviously a come-on, and the energy in the dream shifted, as it seemed very out of place for her to be me asking this, and jackie, in a disapproving tone, admonishes "marlene?!!" only it wasnt marlene, and i actually muttered that under my breath

then i woke up for my day.....what do you think?

Song of the day: how could anyone- libby rodereick

as is- ani difranco

forget the video, one of my favorite songs of all times

a few more gestalt pics

Song of the day:

ingenuity fest 2007:jeff moyer

gtpx time line banner

gtpx flower ceremony

we finished this gestalt experience as we started, with each group member placing a flower in a vase....when we opened, it felt odd, trying to find our rhythms in this silent room of strangers

this time, i had made a cd with one song from every member, and each person took their turn when their song came on the stereo....and we had other represent the missing members (ellen went for mary joe, i went for jody, lisa went for alex-and gave a wonderful statement i must add-, tracey went for mary grace....we even held those that disappeared early in the program- ann, harold and phenon were there.

i will let the rest speak for itself