The National- Sorrow

this is exactly hosw i feel...embracing sorrow

..dont leave my hyper heart alone
on the water
cover me in rags and bones and sympathy
cause i dont want to get over you

sorrow waited, sorrow won

dad, pregnant (with me) mom and cousin aimee


i have things to say again, things i want to be witnessed but unsure whom to say them to...

my dad died this january...it was always a difficult relationship...no it wasnt difficult when i was under three, from the pictures i can tell we enjoyed and loved eachother...

but when i was three he left my mother for the first time,and after accidentally being exposed to nova's 'the miracle of life' after sesame street one morning lounging on a yellow chair with my bankie in hand, sitting there trying to process what i was learning about how i came to be (so very different then the books i'd read at the library) and at this moment...

at that moment, my mother decided to tell me that my dad was sterile and that my father was an anonymous sperm donor, but that i was born out of love

but my father didnt want me to know, hadnt told his family and this move on my mothers part forced him to make it public knowledge

i mean, he didnt really have a choice, cause i was running up to everyone-perfect strangers at the bus stop even- and saying to them...

"my mommy was artificially inseminated!!"

i came across a blog by a woman whose profile begins with the line "i am the daughter of an anonymous sperm donor"....

but me, i am the daughter of a man born in a displaced persons camp whose best wasnt as much as i needed and who happened to have a very low sperm count...and even if he was also my biological father, i'd still have very little knowledge of my genetics as the war wiped out the majority of his family and the rest of them...

well they dadn't talk about the past at all

Song of the day: sorrow-the national