leaving depression

sunday, i ended up having a panic attack when i was out with jeff j. and he says to me "molly, its time for you to get a job, make a list of every place in town you could work tomorrow. just take that one step, i promise youll feel better", and i dont know how he knew why i was so depressed- as i didnt know fully- but two things happened on monday.

first, i got my period, which always helps in decreasing depression i have to admit (hess tells me i need to take extra b-vitamins), but more importantly i did make that list, and tuesday i tweaked my resume and on wednesday, i sent out two applications, and i hope to send out two more today, and it did relieve the sadness.

you know, i grow and grow, and i knew that i was taking a risk when i started at the hospital after grad, but i still did it. i like to be comfortable. so i worked for four months, and then was glad to have some time off, but i just didnt move forward when it was time to, and of course it led to this rut. inaction breeds inaction for me as for many and it makes me sad when i feel unproductive, without purpose, which is how it has been for about three months.
thanks for the advise jeff

before we were gay

i only joined myspace.com recently to see pictures of a friends kids, but since then, i have been in touch with a number of people from the past, and have discovered that a large number of the women i was friends with as a kid also turned out a little left of the sexual norm, and i do think its interesting that we found eachother long before sexual preference was something we thought about for the most part(and its too bad, because i had some really hot friends, but i didnt get things until i had dropped out of school).

im sure there are alot of people who have had sinmilar experiences, and id be interested in what other people think of thie phenomenon (mahnamahna)

Song of the day: least complicated- indigo girls

The Belmont Burlesque Revue

its pretty weird when you find out your best friend from high school is the star of one of the top burlesque shows in chicago by browsing on myspace.com

shes the one in the red dress....as well as a couple of other outfits. you should be able to pick her out mum

the thing about good intentions

is that the intention is not the same as the outcome...its another terribly ironic day in molly's world, where a walk to help shake the morning's depression (since i was able to get my tennis shoe on my foot yesterday for the first time since i hurt it)led to me hurting the other ankle, and the friends who keep offering themselves up are not able to help in the ways they mean...

for as long as i can remember i have had to fight self-sabotaging patterns and thoughts, and i can hear my self thinking "no intention would have been better then the disappointment i feel when people dont deliver exactly the way they say, the way i want them too", but i truly dont want to think that, not about taking a walk, and not about the caring words that are given to me.

dont fence me in

so instead of trying to find away to help keep young from being tempted to become terrorists/ fighters in and around kashmir (which would involve things that would bring hope, such as education and opportunities for good employment), india and pakistan decide to build a fence to keep these men on the right side of the fence.

this fence has decreased the movement of wild animals, leopards and black bears to be precise, and now

More than a dozen people have been killed so far this year by wild animals -- five in the past month alone -- and scores of others have been injured, wildlife officials say

.

how dare these animals!! right?!! i mean, come on, just because people have lowered their access to food and the winters coming does not give any animal the right...

At the weekend, a man was dragged from his mud house in Baramulla district by a leopard as he slept and a woman was mauled by a black bear in the Kupwara region

.

really, being a bear or leopard is no excuse to have such bad manners as to take a man from his bed in the middle of the night just to eat him for supper, i guess the best solution...

Police say at least six bears and leopards have been killed by villagers and authorities in the last ten months after attacking local people.

...by the way, did i mention i almost hit another deer crossing south belvoir at fairmount road? my god, its like were being attacked by wildlife, its the end of civilization as we know it!

WAKE UP!!

everything in my life is saying this to me right now. WAKE UP ALREADY!! dreaming of sleep in the eyes and floods of coffee, how could i miss it. ive been afraid to say its time to get up though, to shove my grumbly over-sleeper off the bed so she cant reach out for the snooze button again and again and again.

thanksgiving is not one of my big family holidays, but i do take the day to think about my own gratitude, of which i have plenty. love for my family, amazing friends, an education, opportunity, my health, priviledge; a whole list...slowly, my fear of becoming rumplestiltskin will out weigh my discomfort with moving to the next step of my life (thank god).

so to whom it may concern, i am ready to embody who i am (like its a simple, one day task or something).

Song of the day: a day in the life- beatles

My There For Me Guitar By Caroline Aiken

once upon a time, when i was sad i would play my guitar. this is caroline aiken playing her original tune, and i have to say,picking up a six string (since i never did try a twelve string) and playing this song was the best thing when i was really down... too bad i dont remember how, not that i wouldnt figure it out on my own in a couple hours or call ari to get it in less then twenty minutes

a referral

i get to work this morning and immediatly ran into hallie, the social worker from intake, who informs me that they are looking for a social worker at her other job at another hospital in the same hospital system as where i work...

hallie told me that they are looking for someone to work from 7pm to 7 am wed. thur. fri. and while the idea of working through the night scares me (i love the morning) i think it might very well be doable as i get my own office and hallie says night shift tends to be slower then the day shuift and there are plenty of opportunities for naps, plus it leaves me tons of room during the rest of the week for fun and play.

finally hallie said to use her as my referrence. i feel just a little less depressed

Song of the day:

depression

i have definitly entered into the world of depression. it seems that feeling like i was finally ready to move forward with my life, feeling better and such, i had first an ear infection then my ankle/foot injury, which seemed to be getting better, but took a dip for the worse on wednesday. having gone to the doctor, i know it is not broken, but i do need to stay off of it for another week, only i work all weekend and cannot use crutches on the unit, it can very easily become a weapon in the hands of a psychotic patient.

so the over eating and weight gain have continued in my gimpiness, and i want to say to people, just so they know....nothing but my dresses fit right now, i have some really cute clothes that will fit in 20 pounds (lost), but until then i am not prepared to buy fat clothes... just so yall know.

but no worries, i will find my way out of this and make the decisions that want to be made for the future...

Song of the day: bulletproof- radiohead

another disasterous consequence to unusual weather

Warm weather wrecks bears' winter slumber

truly, a butterfly flapping its wings does effect every moment for every being...we are all connected, across continent and across species, and every action has its consequence...

Song of the day: dont dream it's over- crowded house

a lesson on integrity, and other news from africa

south africa has legalized gay marriage by a wide majority, claiming that in this country once destroyed by aparteid, none would be discriminated against. individuals with the power to do so retain the right to not marry a gay couple if it goes against their beliefs, but who cares? this makes the usa look positivly third world in our hypocrisy of 'freedom so long as it doesnt disagree with my religious belief'.

After an often heated debate, 230 lawmakers gave their final approval to the civil union bill while 41 opposed it. There were three abstentions.

"In breaking with our past ... we need to fight and resist all forms of discrimination and prejudice, including homophobia," Home Affairs Minister Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula told MPs in Cape Town.

"When we attained our democracy, we sought to distinguish ourselves from an unjust painful past, by declaring that never again shall it be that any South African will be discriminated against on the basis of colour, creed, culture and sex," she added....

elsewhere in afric...Annan to urge U.N. troops for Darfur (about time)
Chad accuses Sudan of extending Darfur crisis to entire region (id be mad too)
Africa News (for further news on the congo, ethiopia, nigeria, etc...

Song of the day:carey- joni mitchell

some changes just are not meant to be made

im just gonna stick with my green page...nothing else seems to fit well, so here i am, green again

Song of the day:its not easy being green- kermit the frog

Herding Cats

this is technically an advertisment for an it firm, but it reminds me of so many things in life...

a note on honesty

many people call me introspective, and i guess i can be. first, i do believe in order to take the world in the way i do, trying to see others for who they are, i need to be very awawre of who i am so as to not loose myself. but i also try to approach anything i put out in the world like those whom i most admire do. sometimes, the poet is just an exhibitionist but sometimes its more about baring the self where it hurts the most in hopes of creating a connection with/for another, or to be as honest as possible...

i was just so thin-skinned and delicate
i was so vulnerable and i felt naked in my work,
my individual psychological descent coincided, ironically
with my accent into the public eye.
they were putting me on a pedestal
and i was wobbling!
so i took it upon myself, since i was a public voice,
and was subject to this kind of weird worship,
that they should know who they were worshipping.
i was demanding of myself a deeper and greater honesty,
more and more revelation in my work,
in order to give it back to the people
where it goes into their lives and it nourishes them,
and changes their direction; it makes them feel
and makes lightbulbs go off in their heads
and it isnt vague, it strikes against
the nerves of their lives and in order to do that
you have to strike against the very nerves of your own
-joni mitchell

Song of the day: all i really want- joni mitchell

poem revisited: a finished product

thumbs

living angles
like Sign, your words
measured-fifty
forward and aging-
an entire language in your hands,
more comfortable
then the eyes.

my best work seems to come out almost entirely done...i looked at what i was working on last time, talked to a couple writers i know, and through discussion realized that this small piece needed not to be added to but trimmed down a little...

Song of the day:

if sylvia plath had a blog...

hess feels that this layout is to stark for me,and sai "if sylvia plath had a blog, this is what it would look like- and this is so not you"
robin doesnt like it much either...anyone else have an opinion? please share, and also any other suggestions for winterizing my space, because i am not in a green mood and i dont really want to go back to my black and polkadots either...

Song of the day: whiter shade of pale- annie lennox

deforestation

Deer Totems
Buck in the Forest

Deer is a keen observer, enabled to see well in low lighting and its sensitive hearing allows it to perceive a twig snap in the distance. For the first few days of life a fawn hardly moves, hidden by the color of its coat from predators. Once it can stand, it follows its mother around to learn how to survive. The graceful movement and gentle nature of these creatures show us the innocence of nature.

Deer is a messenger of serenity, can see between shadows and hear what isn't being said.

Deer teaches us to maintain our innocence and gentleness so we can share our open-heartedness with others.

although, between messing my ankle, and breaking a plate in half while trying to keep it from falling off a counter, graceful is not the word i would use...

anyhow, there is the most beautiful moon sitting in the sky today, not hiding from us on the other side of the world. i like that.

i took a ride past my old houses this morning. i lived in three houses, all on the same street over a period of 19 years, on and off. the final house was right across the street from the back of bellfaire. my mom bought it when i was 14, i moved out when i was 17, but in 1998, my mom got hired by university in new jersey and did not want to sell until she was tenyered. as for me, i was one year past learning i had multiple sclerosis, and really needed some help. so i moved into the house and mom moved to jersey. i then sold the house in january of '03 (and what a pain in the butt it is to sell a house and move)

however, i tell this story to talk about deer. driving past the house, i almost ran into another one.in all the years i lived on milton road, i never, ever saw a deer. ever. but this morning, at the corner of milton and washington, one came bounding into the street and right acrtoss into another back yard. i started to drive home, but back tracked and the woman who lived at the house where the deer went told me that ever since they ripped up the small patch of woods there to build more cottages for the school, there are deer in her yard daily, eating her plants.

so in the past few years, in the suburbs of cleveland ohio, they have ripped up woods in university heights for housing troubled teens, a huge patch of woods at cedar and richmond for yet another upscale shopping mall, and again, the huge area of woods to build high end condos on brainard by chagrin....and yet the city dies.

where are our priorities?

Song of the day:

a change for the season

i cant help myself. for the first time in my life, i have enjoyed the fall season and the first snow has come and gone without a huge feeling of dread on my part so i am going to embrace this new zeal for winter and crispness...but dont worry, we all know that when the spring smell comes creeping in i will be all green and woody again...

Song of the day: winter- tori amos

what about bob?

i wanted to go back and add a little more to what i have told you about "bob", that guy from my gestalt group...
talking about racial things can be very sticky, and i am afriad i left too much open on who bob is.

he is not apologetic for who he is, that is true, but just because he does not apologize for his race or priviledge, i do not mean to infer that he does not care or that he takes advantage of his situation...he does not.

such as me, he is trying to change the world, and fights injustice and inequality, he is just able to acknowledge that he needs to speak honestly and acceptingly about hinmself as well as learn about others in order to create real change.

it makes me think of you

untitled (?)- denise t. barry

i am impeccable.
i am your teacher.
you will become impeccable also
and you will wonder how it is
you have lived so long without this skill.

impeccable means absolute economy of energy.
there is precision and care in all action
and tremendous presence without depletion.
there is depth of knowing from within
and this is expressed with ease and simplicity.

there is order and purpose in this skill
and the function is to create a pattern
that promotes wholeness and health
with expansiveness of vision

take responsibility for your life!
impeccable means cut out
what you dont want
and put into yourself what you do want
with every thought, word and deed

thumbs

thumbs-11/3/05
she uses the hand,
-living angles-
like Sign, her words
measured-fifty
forward and aging-
an entire language
more comfortable then the eyes,
not always, but sometimes,
when anxiety is high.

...ok so there is still alot of work to do on this piece, i have to avoid the turning away from the poem after really looking at her hands, it leads to the meat of the poem being a weak mention of anxiety instead of the full breadth of what occured in that moment, but it is starting to take some shape.

Song of the day:

that darned bingo!!

i have a yahoo account. its not my main a ccount, but i check it on a regular basis as thats where i have the stuff i am less interested in reading sent, but yesterday, there was a mail from a good friend of mine from london, and without paying any attention, i just opened it

it was the dreaded bingo invite

the bingo invite is not purposely sent to one, but just as i popped open a welcome note from a familiar name, so did she, and just as this invite then attatched itself to her address book to get to me, so too was my address book invade. the best solution i could think of was to end that address book.

im sure most of you knew this already, but it really bothers me.

Song of the day: telephone game- bye bye birdie

my favoritest birthday photo

robin, luke and i

Song of the day:

making the change matter

all right democrats, here you are, we have handed you the power to change the world again, to bring forth your visions, to return our country to standing

MAKE IT COUNT!!

dont pussy-foot your way around any more, to sway and swerve to please the masses- be true to yourself and to us, teach us once again that disagreement can lead to successful outcomes

dont think in the grandiouse scheme of impeachment and punishment- think about bringing us back into balance, repeal the torture laws if you can, balance our finances, create a respectful arena to discuss the middle ground.... help encourage a war decision.

please dont disappoint again. remember your life is not about you, its about your country

back to lake chad

i remember talking about sudan and uganda, and i remember thinking it had something to do with lake chad, and now it seems the same problems between arabs/non-arabs has indeed moved closer to one of the largest (and quickly fading) fresh water sources in africa. from yahoo news:
More than 100 killed in Chad ethnic violence

1 hour, 11 minutes ago

N'DJAMENA (Reuters) - More than 100 people were killed in an outbreak of communal violence between Arabs and non-Arabs in southeast Chad last week, officials said on Tuesday.

They said a quarrel between members of the non-Arab Kibede community and the Darsalim, an Arab group, in Chad's southeast Salamat region had degenerated into a deadly conflict which razed homes and granaries.

"The conflict between the Kibede and Darsalim communities a few days ago has caused 139 deaths between one side and the other and several injured have been admitted to hospital," a hospital official at the regional capital Am Timan told Reuters.

"Homes, granaries and others goods were burned," the official, who asked not to be named, added.

The officials said a government commission had been sent from N'Djamena to arrange a reconciliation between the chiefs of the two communities to halt the bloodshed.

Song of the day:

PRE-SCHOOL POLITICAL AD

it really is all a big joke....

identity and race

identity is an important aspect to being. in my recent gestalt group, i listened carefully to how others identified themselves, watching for where there may be tension in the future. i myself identified as a jewish bisexual woman who has multiple sclerosis, and that i find it important to bring the untalked about and invisible to the front.

i went to a conference back in'02 on "building an anti-racist society", and found the experience somewhat trying in the difficulty to not counter self-identity with "buts". one example for me was that everytime i identified as jewish, i was bombarded with the term priviledge, which i fully agree with, but there was a revolt, even by other jews, against my discomfort identifying as white just because my skin is pale when i have this entire history behind me, which includes grandparents who survived the holocaust and my own time living in tampa florida (the middle school years), where i was the victim of anti-semitism on a regular basis.

there was this one man in my gestalt group who impressed me greatly, i'll call him bob. bob identified as gay, which i am used to hearing, but he also identified as white and said he felt no remorse for it and did not apologize for his priviledge. it was a strange moment, as i think we are often taught that by verbalizing being caucasion as something to be proud of, it automatically makes you a racist. bob and i of course took a liking to eachother, and plan to work together as we move forward, but knowing him has made me realize i need to seriously consider some things before i run off and commit my life to mental health, check out my options....though i do know i want to have the capacity for professorship...hmmm.

Song of the day: beauty of grey- live

out of the comfort zone

comfort

stepping outside of one's comfort zone is most definitly a difficult thing to do. i know that i am very much stuck in a comfortable place. unfortunately comfort does not mean enjoyed. i sprained my foot yesterday morning (tripping on a shoe...what a waste of an injury, no cool story behind it or anything), and i am going to use the down time as an opportunity to get this space away from moaning and whining and back to having purpose, starting here, discussing the comfort zone.

my friend michelle was saying to me the other day that she had a hard time at my birthday celebration because it was not what she was comfortable with, and the older she gets, the less willing she is to step up and take risks (and to think she will only be 27 this month). talking with her, i see the damage being complacent in comfort can cause- in her life, it displays as a very narrow set of interests (boys, boys, and more boys), and a lack of connection due to such. in me, one way it shows up is in this public journaling instead of addressing the social and political issues that interest me. its much easier to talk about the internal experience than focus on public things with a new eye, a view that hasnt been thrashed to death... no one can disagree with me on my feelings.

i believe that change only comes through discomfort. i believe the world needs to change, therefore, the challenge is to be willing to give up the comfortable....i had a gestalt facilitator that really created a group cohesion when he said to us, as we whinnied about embarrasment and safety that "i love my discomfort, i embrace it!!", and what a difference that made to the weekend, that line became a group mantra, and after our weekend, we helped eachother through emails, often with the closing greeting of "embracing discomort, (name)"...

there are people in my life who totally disagree with that, my analyst grimaces everytime i use that saying to stay where i need to stay (though she hasnt really told me why it displeases her so), hess says ackowledging his discomfort causes it to dissolve so no need to embrace it, but what ever the individual response, i commit to sitting more in discomfort again (or is this just more journaling?).

Song of the day: red river- ledbelly

urbanization

i almost hit this buck yesterday driving to work...thats the third time this year i have seen deer in what seems to be an inappropriate place for deer to be hanging out.

Song of the day: chickenman- indigo girls

snakes and things

strange dreams about snakes last night, hanging all over the shaker lakes like it was a rain forrest, so i pulled my car over to take pictures and there was sadie's x-boyfriend luis, who i chatted with for a moment, and then noticed he had a little baby snake on his shoulder, which he proceeded to knock to the ground, then i woke up...

i have not talked about sadie at all, been working more, volunteering for the upcoming elections, getting involved with the janes, (plus its been my birthday week, and i guess i wanted her to give some attention to me, but it just doesnt work that way), but she is there in my mind. nothing has changed, not really, well except the oldest is gone to arizona with sadie's mom...

i tried to talk to both parents about what sort of care would be provided for the kids. their dad said no therapy- they are just little kids, what do they know about sexual abuse? (im thinking, well, they know what it is like to go through it for starters), and as for sadie, she cant really focus on anything still, she asked me to make travel plans to come see her in march because her favorite musician now does private parties and that is what she plans on doing for her 30th, hiring the woman to play at her home for an evening (my birthday was much better then that, i think, smile)- but if i try to talk about the kids and how they are doing, she immediatly breaks our connection. so i told her i just couldnt listen to her talk about her birthday at this juncture, that i have some pretty serious feelings about what happened and that i felt like she was being glib about it all and she says "its the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself, thinking about this party".

so, thanks jeff, for pointing out that i have been totally silent on this issue and that there are some people (including hiself) that may like an update.

Song of the day: baby, please dont go- them

side effects

having ms, its not really such a big deal when on a healthy kick, but about three years ago, i started having problems again after a four year remission, and this year has been very trying on me, not so much because of actual ms symptoms and flare ups, but because of the inconvient side effects that can happen

ms comes with a higher rate of infections in general, uti's, respiratory infections...which often are followed by ear infections. i have theory on why this is, most importantly it is recommended that one does nothing to boost the immune system-no echinacea, no doubling up on the anti-oxidents, etc. etc.

no adult likes to have chilhood illnesses and so alot of times this stuff is untalked about, and while the doctors will tell you to be careful to not get sick (because every time one has an infection of any sort, the immune system does come swooping in, and often once it has quelled the real illness will decide it is still in the mood to rumble and go after the myelin), life is full of germs.

as you may be able to tell, i am tired of not feeling well

misunderstanding emotion

its interesting the challenges facing us and the way in which we address them. i left a bag of stuff at jackies on saturday. i asked if i could come on tuesday to get it, and jackie mailed

Tuesday is fine. if I am not home or with a client I could leave the stuff for you in a bag in the mail box located in the driveway of the guest house. i know I will be home for sure till 9:30 am doing horse chores.Let me know by morning e-mail or telephone, Jackie

if i had stayed on my comfortable side, i would have said great, and aimed to get there while she was busy. but i felt like she was offering a brief moment of time, it felt risky-a friendly challenge-so i wrote back i could be there early....

anyhow, at ten after nine, i pull in her drive, greet the dogs, and walk toward the stables, seeing no one, when i hear the house door open, and turn around to see her husband, who has no idea what I am doing there, and he tells me shes at the store, left about ten minutes earlier, and asks if i know where the stuff is.i said no, and he says she should be back by ten, and i say ‘so i can just wait here then? it’s a long ride out’ and he looks at me funny, but whatever. five minutes later, i remember about the mailbox, walk down the drive, but nothing in there and its starting to drizzle, so i sit in my car and study for gre. at about 20 to ten, i see her jeep pull in the drive so i work on one more math problem until she pulls up next to me.

the morning up to this point was no big deal, a little discomfort with her husband, a little boredom, a little queazy, a little frustrated with math, a little disappointed in feeling forgotten. and yet, right before i leave with my bag stuffed with books and a rag doll that looks just like me, i am feeling sicker, and i think "i feel sorry, i feel like ive misunderstood", so i apologized to her (since it was the truth of my moment) and she says, why are you apologizing? i am the one who should be sorry, not you....by the time i get home almost a half hour later, i realize the naseua was not about regret, i have an inner ear infection again....the moral of this story is just because i think a situation is one thing-whether an invite or an upset stomache-it so very easily could be another.