Mika Brzezinski of MNSBC rips Paris report

to a truly rebelious woman

...thank you for bringing sanity back to the world

thanks jeff

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three feathers

close to the end of my class with the majickal professor, i found three feathers on the sidewalk between the mandel school at cwru and the '25 cents for fifteen minutes' parking lot at the corner of ford and mayfield.

it seemed significant at the time, and i named the three feathers after the three qualities i felt were most important in that class, for that fall (from left to right); responsibility, integrity and humility


...i struggled with humility the most, going on a dictionary hunt that brought me to the realization that both humility/humbleness and humiliation (mortification)come from the same latin root, and i hate feeling humiliated more then anything else.

so last week, i was walking around doan brook at shaker lakes and i came upon three feathers in the middle of the path.

reponsibility, humility, and integrity indeed....

Song of the day: crucify- tori amos

"every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains"

what are your hopes for cleveland's future?

even in th is country, where taxes are currently not high enough to pay for what we buy, i often feel frustrated in the choices that are made in this city reguarding taxing and business. i want us to find a way to create an equal chance for the future of cleveland citizens, instead of catering to corporations in many ways, including breaks that are detrimental to us, and we need to take a stand.

the community that lives within cleveland, however, consists of struggling neighborhoods, failing schools, and urban abondonment as not just citizens, but also local businesses (including my own family's) move out to the suburbs, taking their jobs and tax revenue with them...

i feel like, our politicians are always building some kind of center around here, saying that it will boost the city and her citizens, but in the past fifteen years weve gotten the rock and roll hall of fame, gund arena, jacobs field (and yes, i know we payed for that with a sin tax-which also highly affected lower income people, but its the same idea)...and while all these places are nice, they have mostly brought minimum wage jobs replacing inionized factory work, and lets face it, that does little to raise the living conditions for residents living with the continuing downward slide of cleveland

from care2petition (thanks jeff)

Without asking voter approval, the Cuyahoga County Board of Commissioners appears poised to approve a 0.25% increase to the existing 7.5% sales tax in Cuyahoga County, whose citizens already endure the highest sales taxes in Ohio, while at the same time, has some of the poorest and over-burdened residents in the nation. In the proposal, the purpose of this increase is to build a new Convention Center and to attract Medical Mart to the community in an unproven effort to generate revenue for Cuyahoga County. The Convention Center and its funding have been controversial from the beginning with the public, and this is just a way for the Commissioners to circumvent voter approval. Additionally, other communities around the country, including nearby communities in Ohio (Columbus, Cincinnati) and in Pittsburgh, have required private contributions from companies who stand to benefit from publicly funded construction (examples: sports stadiums and Pittsburgh's arena/casino plan). Those who will benefit most are not the citizens funding the construction through the tax. As usual, it will be a small number of corporations who benefit. Instead of exacting the entire burden of the project on the public with an increase in the sales tax, we are asking the Commissioners to look at other possibilities for Convention Center funding, including asking those who will profit most from the Convention Center (Forest City, Medical Mart) to contribute private money OR put the sales tax proposal to a public vote.

Song of the day:

sea salt in the wound

i got a wolf creek email this morning, about astrology and sending the professor energy....and its like, the minimal amount of hard found healing was all to waste with this naturally occuring irritant to my hurt...i really hope i manage to build some sort of defense that will allow me to fulfill my desire of attending wolf creek without being overwhelmed by my feelings of embarrasment, guilt, loss, anger,hurt and bewilderment that one misunderstood interaction could cause such a big break in a relationship, because i am sobbing again thanks to this email.

ive made it through the "blame it all on the other guy" phase...i feel stifled though...everytime i try to talk about my responsibility in the situation with friends, they point out the professor's poor boundaries, say shes not really as sincere as she'd like the world to think, etc.etc.

well, ok, i would agree she has unclear boundaries, that is true, but theres nothing i can do about that....you know?

as for me, i am realizing that i dont want to take responsibility for myself, that is definitly part of the gestalt here- its a part of the gestalt of my life...i can see how that plays out in many different places...

i realize that i am not willing to let her (or anyone else for that matter) get away with hinting because i deserve to be told to my face....then im told to my face, but it wasnt said in the right way, with no intention of kindness and learning....she did give me hints (or maybe redirection would be a better word than hint), i see that looking back, and im a smart cookie, so i prolly had some idea of it in the moment as well but my stubbornness won out and i became pressureful- its really hard to sit here with the dichotomy of this feeling that the professor did a great disservice to me by not letting me know that i was getting too personal or whatever as time went on (her directness is what i most appreciate about her), and the need for me to take responsibility for myself, for demanding to know what was up, for pushing so much.....

it really is about me, and my inability to take what i am given without demanding something different or more (at least, i can find some sense of control by focusing there


Song of the day: shadow on the wall- band de soleil

so now the military is using a shady little trick to deny us soldiers needed mental health treatment.....by saying there was a personality disorder in existance before they entered into service, they are trying to say the ptsd some soldiers experience is a pre-existing consition. personality disorders are considered "axis 2" disorders, and like other non-changable conditions such as mental retardation, are never covered by insurance as they are considered inherent to the individual and not as a disease or treatable condition.

as i know very well, insurance has the right to deny treatment for pre existing conditions for up to a year....

one of the most interesting aspects of post traumatic stress is that it is considered to be the ONLY mental health condition that is entirely unrelated to internal disturbances, ptsd always involves a real-life unexpected stressful situation that puts strain on the brain
A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet explains:
(by a.j. mahari

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or violent personal assaults like rape [childhood sexual abuse]. People who suffer from PTSD often re-live the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life.


PTSD is marked by clear biological changes as well as psychological symptoms. PTSD is complicated by the fact that it frequently occurs in conjunction with related disorders such as depression, substance abuse, problems of memory and cognition, and other problems of physical and mental health. The disorder is also associated with impairment of the person’s ability to function in social or family life, including occupational instability, marital problems and divorces, family discord, and difficulties in parenting.

the above article goes on to talk about ptsd and borderline personaltiy disorder or bpd. bpd often is present in individuals have a strong history of abusire and traumatic experiences....however, ptsd is not caused by the personality disorder. anyone can respond to situations with ptsd, and for each tour of duty a person spends in a combat zone, the likelyhood that the experience will result in ptsd increases....

i understand the military is broke. i understand that bush has not starved the government, but has instead traded social services for high tech highly expensive weaponry....but it is not appropriate to deny any soldier treatment for a condition they now have which is a direct result of combat in service to the protection of this country....

Song of the day: where have all the flowers gone- peter paul and mary

sadness

i cant believe how sad i am...

i dont know why i am putting this out there, i hate it, knowing that my mother will read this, but i need to be heard, and i dont think i am listening to myself right now

i fought with my therapist yesterday...nothing she said was right (a bad aspect of me) and she said "i dont know how to help you through this, and maybe it will actually be someone else who does"...and i flipped out

she pulled back, and said she was not telling me to go see someone else, but her cousin just kicked me to the curb for needing too much after denying that she wanted me to back off over and over....

but i wonder if its some kind of hint-telling me to move on, you know? (i know thats me...i hope thats me, and not real, but it seems like whats true this moment)

i also think the job loss was a bigger hit then ive been saying. i feel like i have no purpose, im bored, and lonely again, suddenly, all these friends i thought i had, they seem so far away, when in truth i can think of atleast three who would be there for me in a split second

i fear this place

i did stop taking neurontin a few days ago, and it seems like the spasticity has mostly let go though, so i will try and use that as a ray of hope, as pain has been a part of my experience for three months almost non-stop

...i met up with a guy from gestalt for lunch today (i never did get to talking about the most recent weekend, but it was the weekend that led me to the bold place i went with the professor, so i feel not too kindly about it right now).....he asked me "can you just let it be?"

but me, i have to keep trying to fill the space

unforgivable

so i am technically still supposed to do wolf creek, despite what happened with the professor....

only i dont know what comes next...i have no idea how to move forward in this relationship.

am i supposed to just go to the wolf creek night she said she would run for us to meet eachother since the first weekend was cancelled and pretend that nothing happened? can i sit there, knowing i have my own side and feelings, and not sharing it?

i feel like ive been a bad girl and i should just keep my mouth shut (in gestalt, that is called an introjection)...but everything is different now. i am so angry at her for not setting me straight sooner, and from a place of kindness and learning instead of....well i dont know what she was feeling, but i would guess anger, fear, grief, overwhelmed, exasperated.....it kind of feels like a betrayal.....i have trusted her ever since i heard her tell this guy julius that he has less power because he talks so much...i thought she would be real with me like that, and now i dont know what was true and what wasnt

i know i messed up, her mother has just died, and i can now see how inciting the word "crush" was (everyone keeps telling me i must have scared the crap out of her concerning legal stuff as she runs a self-help business) and i think some of the other words also could have been taken in a different way then i meant, and i hate that i pushed because i couldnt sit with ambivilance...

but i was struggling with my own need, still am...i really wish she had just told me what was straight up before i ruined everything (and im sure this is an exaggeration, but it feeld like that right now)...

i sent a little solstice card to her, and for the first time she said nothing back , confusing, as i figured this would be the type of communication she would want in this new world, and not the personal stuff....anyhow, i was not looking for an invite to her solstice, i am not ready to see her, i was just trying to keep things friendly...

i feel so much shame and have so many tears

Song of the day: silence

weight loss

yeah! the scale actually read under 190 pounds for the first time since early march....guess i finally got all the steroids out!

....now, to just reduce the weight of my spirit...

Song of the day: i want you (shes so heavy)- beatles

...but dont go talking my want in the wrong way now, like some other people...

turtle

what a cute turtle!!

Song of the day: turtle blues- janis joplin

orange crush- snapdragon

couldnt think of any other words to say
i dont know you well enough to feel this way....
but i felt you looking at me yesterday
and when i looked at you you turned away
how am i supposed to know the things im supposed to say

because i dont want tt tell you that i love you
i dont want to promise you tomorrow
i just want to tell you that i think of you
and it makes me feel all right

sometimes when the words come out to heavy
they can run you over like an eighteen wheeler
if your not looking, if your not ready
it can hit you harder than a freight train

i dont like the way it feels to be afraid
i dont ever want to scare you anyway
guess ill never say the one thing that i meant to say

i dont want to tell you that i love you
i dont want to promise you tomorrow
i just want to tell you that i think of you
and it makes me feel all right
i dont want to hold your hand and shiver
i dont want to hear you say my girlfriend
i just want to tell you that i think of you
and it makes me feel all right

Song of the day:orange crush- snapdragon

for you, and our different meanings

the problem with chinese merchandise....

is that china is much less restricted then america in both labor laws and health and safety guidelines

yes, its cheaper to buy when the products made in china but....

from the businees section of todays cleveland plain dealer, since april 11, 2007 almost two million chinese products have been recalled. this does not include the poisoned pet food that caused terror for pet owners, or the toxic colgate (hey jeff, doesnt a fourth of americans buy their tooth paste from walmart-where else can you get it cheaper)the recalled products include none other then....

1.95 million of these products were child toys containing high levels of lead or posing chocking or fire hazards-and not just any toys, but 1.5 million were thomas the train toys (lead paint)...a friends oldest son is a die hard fan of thomas (well, atleast he was until he discovered the teenage mutant ninja turtles)...he is not yet five and lead is most dangerous to children under six. the thought of him being exposed to lead is enraging...and i think of the kids i work with, and the massive behavioral and learning challenges they struggle with.....and maybe the cheap toys from china did it?

its time to go back to buying american- reduce the ever increasing gain of the ceo's and stock holders, provide appropriate living wages as well as above standard materials...we say its important to keep kids safe, well then, give their parents good jobs making safe toys ....

i know its just a fantasy, i dont know if that would really work at all, but come on, china is not only getting the jobs, their hurting our kids...

Song of the day: battle in seattle- the no wto combo

private embarrassment, difficult learning

it has been a rough week, learning about myself....

it was started by a misunderstanding with that majickal professor of mine, where my words were taken in a wrong way-im blushing shy around her in person, and this chick says to me while driving me home "there sure was a lot of weirdness when you guys hugged, but i know its hard to not be intimidatred by her" well, im not intimidated by her, and i certainly didnt want her thinking i was intimidated by her so i told her i have this little crush, which in mollys world means that i admire her so intensly i go straight to my head and feel dizzy and shy. i had just learned about a new defense mechanism in gestalt-it actually is a concept i think could work for my shyness-which i feel is real important to get over so as to fully take in what she has to give. but she heard crush and took it as i was hot for her...well, her exact phrase was "romantic feelings", which i took as a classier way of referring to sexual feelings, but its not about sex at all. its about spirit, and admiration....actually its funny, if you think about it, the woman is older than my mother- dont get me wrong, shes very attractive, but...

anyhow, she pretty much told me i wasnt special, not in class or in that early recognition we both had, and that im not a good friend of hers.....also interesting, as i never really considered us friends, let alone good friends...i did try to look at it that way, i didnt know how to know her if i rejected the idea of friends, but when people asked, my general response was "i guess you could call us friends, but i would say we are more strange and undefined"....shes a guide, a teacher...i feel like im supposed to know her, and powerful things will come from it (though i really wish this interaction had changed that for me, then i could just walk away, like i always do).......she told me i was too needy, needed to much time, energy, attention....i know i take alot of energy, i know im needy right now...ive said from the beginning to tell me to back off if i get to be overwhelming(i was hoping for nicely), give me a boundary, and she didnt until this whole crush thing.....

then my mother came to town. i needed help (needy, indeed) i needed help getting my life back together after having been so sick this spring. i was at work while she attacked my closets....i came home to so much storage space i said, "oh, no. now im going to have to fill it!!"

mom said "why is it, molly, that youve always needed (another appropriate use of the word) why have you always needed to fill any empty space you can find?"

very insightful of her, as its true, whether closets or relationships...its part of what happened with the professor...she kind of ignored the word crush, but i had to know where she was...i couldnt sit with my concerned curiosity so i had to push her....i had to fill the space.

gives me alot to think about, thats for sure

Song of the day: i do- edie brickell

"...and im filling in the negative space with positively everything"

talk about a great way to create a cold war...

Bush ready to meet Putin to improve ties
By JENNIFER LOVEN, Associated Press Writer

HEILIGENDAMM, Germany - President Bush said he hoped to convince Russian President Vladimir Putin on Thursday that their dispute over a U.S. missile defense system is not an issue "to be hyperventilating about."

ok, can we say that this is one of the most patronizing and dangerous things our president has ever said...

there was this "for better or for worse" cartoon my mother had hanging in the kitchen when i was a kid where the mother and son were fighting nd the son says to the mother "DONT GET YOUR PANTYHOSE TIED IN A KNOT!!"

to me, telling the president of Russia not to hyperventilate over a missle system that he will give no explanation for (and to be honest, ive been wondering what his intention is as well) is the equivillent of the sons statement to his mother....the son probably only ended up grounded....i wonder what the consequence of this inappropriate and uncalled for comment will be....


Song of the day: back to the ussr- the beatles

changes

wolf creek-a five weekend camping/commnity/personal workshop run by that majickal professor of mine (if you remember anything about her...and if not read how my blog got started)was cancelled for this weekend, and will be rescheduled....i wasnt ready to really say much about it until now, but....

the weekend was sposed to start at 10:00 am on friday, but the majickal professor's mother died at six am that morning.

for me, it really works out best. my left thigh and waist have again contracted,though thankfully the numbness is mild (knocking on wood). i started having problems on thursday, and was almost going to cancel myself, though i got to a place inside where i accepted i could still go, but would have to sleep inside as well as sit out many of the activities.

i received a notice with information on the funeral and shiva...it wasnt for me specifically, but everyone involved in wolf creek this year....i am going to the service but not the shiva, and that decision is based on a few things:
1. iwant to support someone who has been very supportive of me
2. i have never been to a shiva and dont know i want to
3. this is also my therapists aunt that has died and i need to make sure we both feel ok, and i think that shiva is a little too personal and private

i am definitly going to go though, in a bright dress and a supportive mood...

...i would email her in the middle of the night while i was sick, about my pain, my inability to sleep, about my loss (feeling loss, job loss etc...), and she always responded with her positive words, she never pitied me, she stood out from the soft eyes and sympathetic apologies so many people gave me (actually, r, you and k also were positive through my difficulties, not pitying me, and i appreciate it)


poem of the morning: runner at twilight-grace butcher

i move, shining, over dim hills.
the grass unwinds a blur of rivers
on the bottom of the night;
i cross with no bridges.
my hair is heavy with fog,
and my breathing is the force
that spins the universe.
there is more to the spectrum
than i suppesed:
beyond the violet are endless miles
of impossible colors.

-travel well, mrs. schloss