Monday, August 16, 2010

sorrow waited, sorrow won


dad, pregnant (with me) mom and cousin aimee


i have things to say again, things i want to be witnessed but unsure whom to say them to...

my dad died this january...it was always a difficult relationship...no it wasnt difficult when i was under three, from the pictures i can tell we enjoyed and loved eachother...

but when i was three he left my mother for the first time,and after accidentally being exposed to nova's 'the miracle of life' after sesame street one morning lounging on a yellow chair with my bankie in hand, sitting there trying to process what i was learning about how i came to be (so very different then the books i'd read at the library) and at this moment...

at that moment, my mother decided to tell me that my dad was sterile and that my father was an anonymous sperm donor, but that i was born out of love

but my father didnt want me to know, hadnt told his family and this move on my mothers part forced him to make it public knowledge

i mean, he didnt really have a choice, cause i was running up to everyone-perfect strangers at the bus stop even- and saying to them...

"my mommy was artificially inseminated!!"

i came across a blog by a woman whose profile begins with the line "i am the daughter of an anonymous sperm donor"....

but me, i am the daughter of a man born in a displaced persons camp whose best wasnt as much as i needed and who happened to have a very low sperm count...and even if he was also my biological father, i'd still have very little knowledge of my genetics as the war wiped out the majority of his family and the rest of them...

well they dadn't talk about the past at all

Song of the day: sorrow-the national

12 comments:

KMS said...

Hi there,
I saw your post on that other woman's blog and I must say that I am SO thankful to have read it. I just recently found out that my parents used a sperm donor in 1975. I have been so desperate to find other people my age who KNOW. I just haven't been able to relate to the younger folk whose blogs I have found.

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I have an estranged relationship with my own dad and I wonder if it was because my parents used a donor?

Anyhow, if you have any resources that you have stumbled upon, I would love to know of them.

Thank you for sharing!

Kristy

Anonymous said...

good morning kristy
i unfortunatly do not have time to respond appropriatly right now, my grandmother (actually step grandmother, but again blood seems less important then the relationship i had with her as i was 6 or 7 when g-pa married her) died last week, but i did want to say i got your comment
keep breathing while you process this information and i will be in touch
molly

KMS said...

Hi Molly,
Ah, it is so great to find another person who is processing this experience in a more peaceful manner. I am always struck that I was so incredibly wanted that my parents took to fairly new procedures. I am struggling to understand why exactly people would be so angry. I worry that I am missing something, but mostly I think that I am surrounded by folks that use sperm to help make their families that it seems, well, normal.
I found out like this: http://caffeinatedlove.blogspot.com/2010/06/happy-fathers-day.html
Crazy, eh? My mom passed when I was 13 and I was estranged from my dad at 16.
I would love to continue to email rather than comment? :) My email is: bookfreak at gmail.
I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I hope you are able to delight in fond memories.

Kristy

Anonymous said...

hi there kristy
ive been trying to email you, but i recently found out most of my emails are not being received if i write them first as opposed to responding. aol recently aol bought out my server and i am wondering if thats why. i will be getting a new email soon and i will be writing
hope we can connect
molly

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