Tuesday, June 27, 2006

roseanna's garden

on sunday's i face my multiple sclerosis head on-sunday is medication day. i take avonex, a once weekly intramuscular injection and while it is something i can and have administered to myself, my friend andy usually does it right now. this week, i was joyed to find out his wife roseanna was at home and gardening and i quickly left andy to read his book on the porch to go join her. she took her time introducing me to the product of her green thumb.

the most impressive plant in the yard, for me, is the grape vine roseanna brought over from italy, where she has family and land. i love it that there is a grape vine growing on east 130th street! only the birds eat this fruit though

then she made me look at her brocolli even though cabbage makes me gag (and it was funky looking broccoli to top it off)

she showed me her pea...and when i say pea in the singular, i mean there was one little pea growing on the the thin stalk tied to her porch with twine...but it tasted really good

lastly she showed me her lettuce, and decided i needed to take some home for supper

washed the lettuce for me in the driveway, and after eating a piece fresh off the ground to quiet my protests of tire tread marks and car grease

she sent me home with a healthy dinner

Song of the day: sowing the seeds of love- tears for fears

Monday, June 26, 2006

camera regulational

ok, so i love my new digital camera, incase you can't tell, really like taking pictures, uploading them, sharing them...

i am taking alot of pictures of wild animals, my self and my pets and things because i dont know what it is ok to post. can i post a picture of the two kids having an ant massacre at the park or could that be problematic at some point (not that anyone reads this thing, but what if...)

maybe there are no rules at all, but it seems to me that i am putting these things in public space. jeff hess told me that as long as it isnt private property, you can do what ever, and that basically only includes backyards, inside peoples private homes and (i add thi on my own) any situation where there is some expectation of confidentiality.

here's to hoping i keep getting braver and taking more liberties on this endevour

Song of the day:wooden ships- csn&y

Saturday, June 24, 2006


september 1994- just for rebellion's sake, i was only seventeen
done on john hilliard's couch with indian ink and a needle by my friend keith (aka, ms. vivian), sally got one on her hand that same evening

December, 1994- got two days before an indigo girls show right where amy ray has her tattoo- the left forearm...but i actually first saw on a camp counselor and had been planning this for years before i fell in love with the indigo girls.

March, 1997 - my diagnosis tattoo

bracelet with dreamcatcher in center, turtles on both ends, crescent moon in center of spider webbish part (my night), does not connect in the inner wrist

October 26, 1999 -my 23 birthday present to myself
located in the center of chest

hand towards heart represents openness to life, eye is the analytic eye, kudzu is what i fight and the sun rises and the sun sets.

...and in case you didnt notice, the sun is prevalent in my story

Friday, June 23, 2006

forgiving the teeth marks

this is a digital picture
taken of a regular picture
that my friend just sent
of me making up with the horse that bit me.
(SEE http://afterenlightenment.blogspot.com/2006/06/horse-bitten-and-sometimes-shy.html )

i had no idea she had taken this!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Ok, I think it is time to throw some public humiliation into my life. I really need to address the fact that I have not gotten a full time job yet. I feel like I have been sitting in this place for too long and while I may have reason enough (as some of you know), I need to start moving on, and I am having trouble finding myself. Oh, and unless you have seen me naked, please feel free to encourage or pressure me into working.

Truth is, beyond three electronic applications for inpatient psych work and posting my resume on monster.com, I haven’t even looked for employment. I buy the paper every Sunday, but I never remember to read the jobs section and everytime I start to feel like I cant get enough work staying prn status at marymount, a nice chunk of days get dropped into my schedule, and I am back to having enough to live on, and this dreadful feeling of complacency scares me.

I am not a complacent person in general. I am the type that when I want something or I become interested in something, I just want more and then I want change and then growth and then more again (though I have to work on lowering the level my anxiety reaches with the change part). There is not much room for these things where I am in psyche, professionally or personally. Only more of the same.

i dont believe in laziness, not in the american sense, which is based on the protestant work ethic and connected to morality and sin. i think there is always a reason for an aversion to working, being tired, or depressed, even not being able to achieve the education to do work that has meaning, but i can't seem to muddle my way through what is causing lazy behavior in me

Song of the day: bang on the drum- todd rundgren

Friday, June 16, 2006

customer appeasement

to give credit where credit is due, metro toyota took my complaints seriously, sent a runner to pick up my car for the third trip out there, fixed it, gave me a certain amount of discount, washed the card, brought it back to me and provided me with a ten dollar gas card. this was more then i ever expected.

i will continue to take my car to them for service and can once again recommend them as a dealership.

Song of the day:sunny came home-shawn colvin

sometimes, i wish i was a housecat...

this is a typical day in neitzche's life

... my days resemble my cats days entirely too much right now.
Song of the day :yes i will-michael frenti

Thursday, June 15, 2006

the truth

if you can afford to spend twenty million dollars on a house.... YOU ARE TOO RICH and it is probably corrupting you.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

then and now

-"a German image of a portly Jewish tycoon peering lecherously at a young Christian woman." from: http://www.fpp.co.uk/.../ caricatures_collection.html

and one that is a little more obvious

"Buy from the Jews, betray your people." from:www.calvin.edu/academic/ cas/gpa/sturm28.htm

Webb's flyer of harris miller, the democrat he defeated in the primary race in virginia (see previous post and link)

...antisemetism always starts simple, and while there are more obvious examples of it in both german and american society, it is most dangerous in its subversive nature... NEVER AGAIN

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

is this how it starts?

from: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060614/ap_on_el_ge/primary_races

Webb wins Senate primary race in Va. By BOB LEWIS, Associated Press Writer

....Webb, 60, referred to Miller in a televised debate as "the anti-Christ of outsourcing," claiming that Miller, as a lobbyist for a major Internet-industry organization, helped drive technology jobs overseas. Also, a Webb flier contained a caricature of Miller with a hooked nose and cash spilling from his pockets. Miller, who is Jewish, called the brochure "despicable"; Webb said it was not anti-Semitic.....

hmmm...and that doesnt even touch the surface of this article about a republican turned democrat

customer disservice

so i hit a curb last thursday and flattened my front right tire as well as destroyed the frame.

it happens, no big deal. i call the dealer and schedule an oil change and tell the guy "i have a scion xa, bought it from you in february. i hit a curb, flattened the tire and bent the frame". he tells me that the tire will cost $98, etc. itll only take an hour or two and we set up an appointment for saturday

on saturday i drive from shaker square to brookpark and w. 137th on the service roads since i only have a donut and not a full spare. they tell me that they can't do it til mon. (apparently the guy who set up the appointment forgot to put the order in) but that they have a dealer's frame that costs $25, which i take and acceptingly set up an appointemtn for tuesday.

so there i am this morning, and the guy says to me "well, i just found out the frame i told about is for an xb and so you will have to pay full p;rice (i am not annoyed at this point, it happens)but we wont have the correct wheel until tomorrow. sorry but its not anything i did"

then i was mad. this man works for a company. when he speaks to a customer, he represents every worker who played a part in this. and this experience is costing me time and money, the trip is close to thirty miles round trip (close to one hundred miles to have my dealer put a new tire on my car when gas is $3?!!) and also when they told me they had a frame for me that was for the wrong car, that was entirely their responsibility.

i understand i understand that this specific man was not entirely responsible (though i am mildly suspicios that he is not only the man who set the appointment, but also the one who was careless when looking frames up on the computer) and that it is difficult to be a representative for a large corporation such as metro toyota and to sometimes have to do the "mea culpa" for others, but whatever happened to taking responsibility for error. had the guy just said, we messed up and offered me a ten dollar gas card (for over $400 worth of a tire replacement including my milage) or something that instead of saying "i didn't do it!" like a kid who just broke a vase, i would have had no problem here...can i blame wal-mart for this one too?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

shame on new york...again

if you didnt know who kevin aviance was before, there's a good chance we will here alot more in the future


"look outside the window, there's a woman being grabbed
they've dragged her to the bushes and now she's being stabbed.
maybe we should call the cops and try to stop the pain
but monopoly is so much fun, i'd hate to blow the game
and i'm sure it wouldn't interest anyone
outside of a small circle of friends"
from "outside a small circle of friends"-phil ochs


it's the bravest (and one of the best)things i ever did!



welcome to the world, my friend

lucas james 6/7/06

The Invitation - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow; if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

-Excerpt from The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

thank you, alisa, i will remember you

Friday, June 09, 2006


my friend qiyu (pronounced she-you, but i just call her chi)calls her self ugly and fat often. she tells me i am beautiful because i look like an american (meaning i am white, and have lighter hair then her).

we were just hanging out on a friend's porch this evening, and i took these pictures

i am overwhelmed by her beauty

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

leaping into the future

meter yourself-
save this as a draft.

suddenly out of my confused fog, i slowed myself down enough to realize that i want to be doing diversity work! you know, i couldn't figure out a word for this feeling of needing to be talking about diversity all the time-diversity (race, culture, religion, disability, preference) and how it interweaves with economics, society, gender, etc., it's always there. it always was. for awhile, i was only interested in jewish/black relationships, the decaying of, ways to rebuild an interactive community, but it just keeps growing.

diversity came up this weekend. it was interesting, and i cannot really talk about it (that darned confidentiality issue), but i can say that the word negro was used, and there was such a charge in me, trying to hold the dicotomy of my anger at the word and understanding for the different age and times.

meter yourself- breathe
always back to the breath

i am getting dizzy, trying to think where i need to head to be able to do what i am driven to do...i am really not very good at planning. maybe this is enough for today, this and to keep breathing.

Song of the day: saharan groove

turtle walk

not that i mean to over turtle you, but these are the things i experience, it is not intended but a blessing.

Song of the day: watershed- indigo girls

"you'll never fly as the crow flies,
get used to a country mile
when you're learning to face the path at your pace,
every choice is worth your while"- emily saliers

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

living among giants

so the first thing to be spit out of my processing machine was a discussion had during sunday's session of my workshop.

one of the facilitators told us how carl rodgers came to him for an ear while he was training with rodgers (i couldnt believe he didnt panic), and brought up the idea of full human potential, and how there is a giant in each of us, whether a Giant or a giant, it is there.

this is yet another one of those things i remember that majickal professor brought up somewhere along the line, and i just didnt get it. i think alot of that is because there is no time to fully appreciate the metaphorical interaction that i also experienced this weekend in the ways i have known her. but there i am on the last day of this thing, and i am finally putting all the pieces together.

and i realized something else....she is one of my Giants, and i panicked (am panicking, will panic?), and i fear my giant, and i think that's what she was looking at.

Song of the day: luck in my eye- kd lang

Monday, June 05, 2006


and so the future is here. i had my first gestalt workshop this weekend, and it is right for me....now i just need to find more work because i need to bring in about three hundred dollars more then i am right now working my ten or so prn days each month... but i am taking care of a lot of housekeeping in this period, so atleast i am productive?

i will share more about my weekend at some point, when i am ready, but not today.

Song of the day: 32 seconds- michelle malone

Thursday, June 01, 2006

horse bitten and sometimes shy

i was bitten by a horse.

it was my mistake. i was waiting for my friend to get off her cell phone (which she was on for over half an hour), so i was just wandering along side a fence around the horse ring. one of the horses followed me. i went in the other direction and the horse followed still. i just stood there. the horse stood there. then the horse began to walk in the other direction on the inside.

i was curious if this was really a game or coincedence (i don't really speak horse), so it was my turn to follow around (it really did seem to be a game). then i was bored so i patted the horse on the head and went to walk away, but the horse nipped the hood/shoulder of my sweater and gave a gentle tug in his direction. "alright" i said "i'll play a little longer". we repeated this pattern for a little bit, following eachother, my trying to make an exit, her little tug.

the day progressed and the sun got stronger. i decided to take my sweater off, yet the game stayed the same. once again i went to walk away and once again Horse nipped at my sweater but got my arm instead.

i told everyone it was a love bite, what does a horse know of an arm from a sweater, and it didnt hurt. but it was ugly, and people seemed delighted and shocked that i had been bitten by a horse. what makes this most interesting of all, however, is how the bruise faded

it looked like a heart! that horse must really like me (blush).

Song of the day: i'd like to live in a wigwam-cat stevens

grad photo

i am the tall redhead for those of you who dont know me

my brain-choice mri shots 4/06

these are two pictures from my last mri. i circled some of the myelin damage in the mylen on the first photo to make clear what is the ms. the white areas are "lesions" where the myelin has been attacked and then scarred over. the black areas are the ventricles, but in general, what you mostly see is called "gray matter"
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