Tuesday, October 31, 2006

those darned voting machines!

quadruple check your votes, folks, demand to look at your paper receipt before the poll workerss take them, dont let this election be as fraudulenty as its looking like it will!!!!!!

Posted on Sat, Oct. 28, 2006

Glitches cited in early voting
Early voters are urged to cast their ballots with care following scattered reports of problems with heavily used machines.

After a week of early voting, a handful of glitches with electronic voting machines have drawn the ire of voters, reassurances from elections supervisors -- and a caution against the careless casting of ballots.

Several South Florida voters say the choices they touched on the electronic screens were not the ones that appeared on the review screen -- the final voting step.

Election officials say they aren't aware of any serious voting issues. But in Broward County, for example, they don't know how widespread the machine problems are because there's no process for poll workers to quickly report minor issues and no central database of machine problems.

In Miami-Dade, incidents are logged and reported daily and recorded in a central database. Problem machines are shut down.

''In the past, Miami-Dade County would send someone to correct the machine on site,'' said Lester Sola, county supervisor of elections. Now, he said, ``We close the machine down and put a seal on it.''

Debra A. Reed voted with her boss on Wednesday at African-American Research Library and Cultural Center near Fort Lauderdale. Her vote went smoothly, but boss Gary Rudolf called her over to look at what was happening on his machine. He touched the screen for gubernatorial candidate Jim Davis, a Democrat, but the review screen repeatedly registered the Republican, Charlie Crist.
[snip] A poll worker then helped Rudolf, but it took three tries to get it right, Reed said.
''I'm shocked because I really want . . . to trust that the issues with irregularities with voting machines have been resolved,'' said Reed, a paralegal. ``It worries me because the races are so close.''

the birthday surprise

was indeed going to jackies...not that i had verbalized my guess. i didnt want to say it and then be wrong....hmmm.

anyhow, it was an interesting afternoon. i dont want to share it though, at least not yet...its just, i felt connected to my friends and i want to hold on to that

in the quiet time

so ok, i am better at nature than people when it comes to recording the moment, but feel free to watch them all by double clicking the video and going to youtube then click on my name "sunlover1026"...and just so everyone knows, i have already apologized to my friend tonya for the tone i used when trying to let her know she didnt need to pose since it was video and not a still...i had no idea i sounded like that. the things we learn about ourselves! more to follow in a couple days

Monday, October 30, 2006

for robin

"i like living. i have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all i still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing"-agatha christie

thank you, robin.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

birthday stills

these are from my camera. i kept accidentally taking videos instead of pictures so there are not many, though i will put most the videos on youtube tonight and tomorrow hopefully. i am sure it will take tonya, who took most the photos of the evening, a few days to get hers up (or a few weeks depending) but enjoy

tara, me, michelle, tonya and gary behind us at dinner

jeff j. chi and ari

kirsti and nat

Song of the day: ladies of the canyon- joni mitchell

Saturday, October 28, 2006

ohio- i know i dont think its funny

"First of all, I didn't realize Ohio was laughing. I was not aware of that,"- john stewert commenting on a question asked about his up coming visit to colombus to film the daily show

i dont think cheating and meanness, the entire political arena of my state is funny at all. in fact it scares me and hurts me to think that this is what we have become, to think that this is how we are treated- how many ohio politicians or "important" laymen have been convicted of crimes while in office or had to resign over the past term? taft, ney, noe...those are the ones who came right to mind, for stealing money, taking pay-offs, dealing with abrahmoff (bribery). i dont think john stewert thinks its all that funny either. john stewert is sarcastic and ironic, and while sarcasm and irony are types of humor, they are often called wry for a reason.

i am one of those people who laughs at funerals. it doesnt mean i think its funny, its how my body responds to the overwhelming emotion of loss. when things go wrong, i find myself wanting to laugh or id be crying, and i usually would rather laugh. sarcasm is a similar phenomana (mahnamahna)in my mind, and if you didnt laugh at these things, youd prolly cry...or maybe burst a blood vessel or ten from anger at these people who take our trust and rub it in our faces!

Song of the day: one day- bjork

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Life and Death of a Pumpkin

just today did i discover that youtube has made it so that i can post to a bloggerbeta account (which is what i have).

i found this video months ago and remember hoping that i would be able to post videos by halloween....enjoy and happy all hallows eve!!!

Molly Grows Up

just thought it was appropriate for my birthday...though MY junior bacon cheesburger eating days are long over...

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

this is why i blog

got this mail tonight, and it really is reminding me, even more then revisiting my first posts, why i bother to blog...
From: Anonymous
To: goheaded06@mindless.com
Subject: [after_enlightenment] New comment on 2000 Milligrams of Solumedrol.
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2006 22:56:21 +0000 (GMT)

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "2000 Milligrams of Solumedrol":

Wow, I just found this while searching for possible side effects the doc's forgot to tell me about (sucking pennies type thing) with this IV solumedrol. my vision is about gone now and that just makes me feel so tiny. your words are so perfect a description for this experience, thanks for sharing this with me, i feel just a little less tiny.

Posted by Anonymous to after_enlightenment at 25 October, 2006 18:54

Song of the day: i write the songs- barry manilow

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

instructions for saturday

"you need to bring a jacket for sure, but you need to be dressed for warm, and you need to be dressed for hot"- so in other words, be prepared for everything?

hmmm, so i guess ill bring a change of clothes, and a bag of frozen peas for the back of my neck because if it is what i think it is, it gets hot enough for me to numb out and for the vision to blur... but then again i dont know how tonya would know about that heat...so maybe im back to square one...grrr

Monday, October 23, 2006

her sweater

i've been zipped in her sweater, wearing
navy blue and racing stripes since wednesday, an acknowledged
reminder of her.
she'll be back on sunday, i know,
filled neck-high with hockey stories,
the same old worry frown on her forehead.

it's been a wooly week with her not here,
over-heating as indian summer
crept up the heels of her departure.
soothing goosebumps in the mornings,
listening intently to some coffee-shop
soccer-moms, i realize i miss her.

patterns, patterns- i went off to that
little slice of '69- to drum an antiquated
story down on euclid, releasing
my sadness. playful on a d'jembe, itchy shoulders
swinging, i wished she was there,
with me, just being closer.

Song of the day: bluebird- buffalo springfield

speaking of birthdays

someone spilled the beans on where we are really eating dinner this saturday (with no prodding on my part, they just pulled out the invitation and shoved it at me), and now i am 99.9 percent sure that i am on to whats going on, for all of you who are involved...im not entirely sure how it will work, but it should be an interesting afternoon, to say the least, and everyone involved (yes,you) is welcome to join us for dinner, we can always add an extra chair or two at the table.

i'll tell you though, tonya offering to plan something was amazing on her part, and she definitly is a gutsy woman, and people are actually going to come- which is rare when i plan my own stuff because i always wait til the last minute and most people allready have plans... the one thing that makes me sad is my newermom friends (babies under six months, older kids with lives) are most likely not going to make it mostly due to other obligations...well, that and its gonna be cold and rainy (not my favorite combination either)...

oh, and by the way, i could care less about the number now, i was just putting up some thoughts i was having about this transition to my thirties as i imagine other people may question what the transition means

Song of the day: maggie may- rod stewart

remembering the beginning

so today is this blog's first birthday, and to celebrate, i have decided to repost my original three posts. i think this will also help remind me what i was aiming for in starting up, as its hard to always keep the objective (intention) in mind.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


i have this eastern saying stuck in my head, have for weeks now.

Before enlightenment, i chopped wood and carried water;
after enlightenment, i chopped wood and carried water

I start this blog to stop fearing my power as an individual and a voice,
and promise free poetry, political fodder, a number of tempertantrums (i'm sure)
though not on any time table.

....but i have to figure out how to do this first.

Posted by molly at 13:53 1 comments Links to this post

November 2005 Home


Jeff Hess said...

Shalom Molly,

Mazel Tov!



i think ive pretty much figured out how to do this by now, once i got one thing (like linking to other blogs)the rest followed suit

if you know me, know that i will start a post off with "do not read this so and so" if its in your best interest not to (ok, mom, so you wont have to know how mad or bad i've been)- my suggestion is that you dont read it.

...i think thats my only suggestion

never did take advantage of this clause
three: social work with groups

my change, it all started with a college class i opted to take to better understand the natural chaos inherent to working within multiple systems. sounds so scholarly, right? well, instead of being given simple textbook work that charicterizes my graduate program's curriculum, i was thrown into a boiling hot cauldron of a work load (99 percent internal and scalding) with an ecentric and majickal professor stoking the fire.

an education rarity is all i can say. following suit of 'no child left behind', our higher institutions are quickly losing the creative aspects that i thought our parents had fought to give us. and now he that giveth taketh away.

i go to higher level private university, i pay over thirteen thousand a semester (or sallie may has, for the moment), and i will graduate having taken only one course that truly stretched, twisted me as a person, moments i was willing to suffer through because i could feel that butterfly flapping her wings as my being absorbed new knowledge.

just wanted to share

Posted by molly at 15:03 0 comments Links to this post


Song of the day: closer to fine- indigo girls

Thursday, October 19, 2006

getting gestalt

not that there really is anything to "get", its not like i suddenly possess something i didnt before, but...

the workshop was kind of structured into three different scenarios
1. full group size (31 of us in total)for the morning stretch, theory stuff, etc..
2. personal growth groups (pg) of 9-10 people for a chance to process what we are experiencing with one stable and one rotating facilitator.
3. practicum groups of four plus one facilitator to practice the skills we are learning

there is also something called resource groups, which i guess will meet at the beginning of each weekend to discuss goals and at the end to discuss outcomes? im not entirelyu sure what that is about, but since i have nine more weekends to go, ill find out.

my talent lies in seeing the 'other', i am really good at that. as i learned last fall, through jackie, my weak spot is allowing myself to be seen...i even played the client first in my practicum group, telling the others that it is only that chair that i was dreading, im in therapy, i dont want to talk about me anymore.... and they pointed out physical catches and words- one woman pointed out my blush, and that is definitly a part of why i dont like to be seen.

i get that i will be seen, not only that, i have to be open in the immediacy to what is seen, as there is value and growth...there is no measure of control...

i cant believe i commited to documenting this process...its group therapy more then anything else

Song of the day: my there for me guitar- caroline aiken

voter fraud

To: "molly danzinger"
Subject: Citizens in the Dark
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 07:50:27 -0700


Forward this e-mail | Subscribe to PFAW Action Alerts

Please petition the Elections Assistance Commission to release its report on voter fraud!


Dear molly (or my readers),
You’ve heard the _expression, “the cure is worse than the disease.” Well that’s especially true when you don’t even have the disease in question!

Right-wing members of Congress and state legislators have been passing onerous laws that make it harder for citizens to vote. Despite erecting barriers to the ballot box and disenfranchising voters, they’ve claimed these laws are necessary to stop rampant voter fraud.

Thanks to a press leak, it is now public that the US Elections Assistance Commission (EAC) commissioned a report to find out about voter fraud. According to USA Today, the EAC’s report shows that there is no evidence that significant numbers of voters are lying about their identity at the polls, voting twice, or voting in the name of dead people. Let me repeat that: NO EVIDENCE.

While this has long been suspected by those of us who have fought discriminatory attempts to address “voter fraud” (e.g. voter ID bills that would, in effect, create a poll tax for poor, elderly and minority citizens who don’t have or need government issued ID in their regular lives), the EAC report makes it official: voter fraud does not present a health risk to our democracy. That is, it would be official if the EAC had released it. … But it won’t release it.

Please petition the EAC to release the report at http://www.ReleaseTheReport.com!

Across the country, states have been introducing legislation requiring voters to show identification before voting, preventing eligible voters from casting ballots. Indeed, the US Congress has tried to pass national Voter ID legislation four times in the last four months – all in the name of stopping the one electoral cancer from which we don’t appear to be suffering. Worse, the mostly Republican legislators who are pushing such “prescriptions” are more like doctors who are getting kickbacks for prescribing cancer drugs to healthy people, insofar as they are keeping away from the polls voters who tend to cast ballots for the other party.

Sign the petition to the EAC urging that this report be released and that hearings be held on its findings. We deserve to know which threats are real and which threats are imaginary.


-- Your Allies at People For the American Way

Song of the day:

systems: the effect of child abuse

thinking alot about systems right now, about how our galaxy is a system, wondering the effect a missing planet (such as saturn) would have on the rest of this solar system, and on how my friend's decision (i am going to call her sadie) to keep abuse secret has eroded a system i am a part of.

if i could hear one responsible word out of her mouth, my experience would be very different. so far, she keeps drinking- this is just another excuse for her to hate herself and numb out...not that i am not guilty of this, like i said, my eating has been out of control... but i dont know how to help her right now... i dont know if i want to help her. i want to yell at her, tell her she has no right to play a victim, she is actually one of the victimizers, i told her she is forgivable -i dont really know if i believe that- i told her i am still her friend- i dont know that i can be- i love her children, saw her through all her pregnancies, except the despised 12 year old-who i dont really hold responsible, he needs help- but sadie keeps refering to him as evil... i have changed their diapers and helped them start the morning, taught them my camp songs and gave the baby girl my childhood dollhouse...

i am looking inside of myself for a place where i can meet sadie at this point. jeff tells me to support her the best i can, andy feels its time for me to contact the kids paternal grandparents or georgia's department of families and children (dfac)... which is an interesting option. sadie's 8 year old has been telling his teachers stories for years, that his bruises are from his parents- i can speak to this in that i watched the kid run right into a door, but then he seemed to forget that i was there when the bruise happened and told me later his dad had hit him- and dfac has investiated the home more then once... i think maybe they now view the 8 year old as one who invents stories

but i think he has known for a couple of years already that his parents are doing drugs in the "smoking room", they certainly teach em quite young what pot is and signs of use, but of course dfac took the smoking room as a good thing since it means the parents are keeping their cigarette smoke away from the kids...its to bad they did not look deeper.

so how does one save a system?

Song of the day: with or wthout you- u2

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

quopte of the month

from writing on the wall
At what point does being a Wal Mart Shopper become the single greatest shared human experience outside of birth and death

scary, scary, thought, huh? but its true, that walmart has spread across the globe, and the walton pocketbook just gets fatter and fatter...

Song of the day: killing in the name- rage against the machine

superceding the moment: making the personal universal

how this experience of gestalt, and meeting another who experiences his anger in his pelvis, learning my friend is taking care of herself as she ackowledges failing her children by drinking, masterbating and internet porn, reading my own words of trying to give myself a safe fertile space down at the polo fields yesterday morning to accept my groinal anger, i am turning more toward poetry.

how do i supercede the moment. when i think of poetry i have created that is successful, it has a universal quality to it, and i think i will work on crafting this piece, anger in the pelvis, as what i understand is that we are taught that sex is somehow seperate from everything else in life, and that having inappropriate sexual contact in early life can lead to a life long experience of sex being connected to the emotions of shame and anger.

years of therapy, discussing, reliving these experiences, yet running from really feeling that anger, crying from embarrasment even though no one can look at me and know i am feeling the moment in the pelvis, i think i might have finally found a way out.

unfortunately, i have tried to push it all down since the weekend, eating eating, gained seven pounds in three days- that was the first learned response to this abuse-eat and you will feel better

i ate my way to 300+ pounds and never felt any better... so i will write it this time, superceding my moment, i will try and be universal.

Song of the day: janie's got a gun- aerosmith

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

anger in the pelvis

uncomfortable warmth,
sitting here- watching
the chagrined rapids- listening
to the rain pound the car- hearing
joni's cherokee story- feeling
the professor's ghost and her smile
keeps flashing in the mind.

its not enough. not,
not enough to erase,
reduce a pulse between the legs-
this milky white rage!

hundred and thirty two miles away
liquor and porn are response
but here? here it's the frustrated
aggression-- Right-o, Dann-o?
its only anger in the pelvis

protecting those you love

last night i received an email from one of my oldest friends. in it she told me that her oldest child, who is twelve has been molesting her three other children, ages 4,6, and 8 from her marriage. her oldest is being sent to live with his grandmother, who raised him for the first ten years of his life, and that this abuse has been going on since he first moved in with the family over one year ago, and she has known the whole time.

everything else, suddenly, seems meaningless, in my anger and sadness, my love for her children. i think, if only she had told me right away, i could have helped this family get help, pointed them in the right direction even though i live 800 miles away, i could have helped them, it is after all what i do.

now i feel angry, left only with the choice of trying to lessen the blow on my friends ego after the family has been destroyed and the kids living in fear for a year. talk about feeling tied in a situation

song of the day: cherokee louise- joni mitchell

Sunday, October 15, 2006

phenomena (daa daa dadada)

within ten minutes of beginning the discussion on what "phenomenology" meant, we had said the word phenomena so many times and in such a rhythmic manner that i was stuck in the most famous of muppet skits Mana-mana
it made for an entertaining time in my head, and it helped in this discussion (which is where i felt shut down by the facilitator), but the concept is important.

phenomena in gestalt is data, pure data, based on observation and as empty of bias, interpretation and judgement as is possible. not an easy task. its an occurance. one woman was asked to look at her neighbor and tell us what she was seeing phenomena-wise, and she did fine as she said there are eyes and a mouth and... but then she said, "i see beautiful skin" OOPS! beautiful is a judgement.

the way i try and stick to phenomena is by accepting my judgement, and then trying to understand why i chose to judge in the way i did (and this is where the facilitator shut me down and said i was wrong and the other one said no i wasnt) in our culture, we value skin that has an even skin tone, clearness, no acne, etc. etc. and all of those statements would be phenomena as opposed to the judgement of beautiful

song of the hour- manamana- the muppets

Saturday, October 14, 2006

gestalt IV: unhealthy learning

arti know i am biased, but i went into this workshop experience excited to learn (as it is something i love and am good at), and with yet another expectation that i was not even aware that i had.

i expected that all the facilitators would approach the learning experience with the same thoughtful, curious and supportive toward exploration type of attitude that jackie had in the classroom. i was wrong.

i suppose this makes sense, as jackie is jackie and my facilitators now are six very different people, but i have been highly disappointed by the facilitator that appears to lead in all the theory based classroom type learning (as opposed to more intimate group and practice work).

everytime i tried to be verbal in the way i am in the classroom, i was told i was wrong, and quickly passed over rather then given the same space for exploring hat was given to others...i know that i am prolly a few steps ahead of many people in the room, but thats why jackies class was so important for me. i wasnt penalized at all for this, jackie found a way to still give me space to be advanced.

i did approach the facilitator at a break in the work and we sat down, and i asked him to please slow down a little with me- he pointed out i seem to talk real fast (which is true), i said true, but isnt that part of what we are doing here, learning to slow down. he said something about being right (another facilitator said i was during the session when i told him i felt unseen right after i had asked him a question and he had immediatly shut me down and went to move on), he asked if i needed to be right, i said it had nothing to do with right or wrong, i just felt devalued. he said i didnt need to worry, he liked me...i said its not about being liked, its about being respected and appreciated for what i can bring to the room....in other words, we still have not connected.

just needed to share


a concept! it was great to be given a concept, with worksheets then play around with the idea in the room. it was great

the figure is what is in front, what has caught attention and the ground is EVERYTHING behind, beneath, around the figure. how simple!

focus on your screen right now. that is your figure. the table, your hands and eyes, the people around you, the noises, it is all the ground.

now carry it further to the therapy room (from either end). the client brings in a fight theyve had with a spouse. the fight is the figure, and the clients own history is the ground from which they will experience the fight. did the clients parents fight alot? was there alot of violence? do she and the spouse have a history of arguements leading to seperation? etc. etc. etc. all of this will color how much the fight affects the client.

now go even further. the client begins to sob when she mentions that her parents fought alot when she was younger, and she would hide. suddenly the parents are the figure... then the clients anxiety goes up from talking about that, and the anxiety becomes the figure as that is explored, how it feels in the body, etc.

someone said that this definition of gestalt was inadequate, but i like it

"what is, is
and one thing follows the other" (or something like that)

Song of the day: buffalo soldier- bob marley

Friday, October 13, 2006

gestalt III: our flowers

our flowers, after sitting out all night it was starting to wilt, but not dead yet

too tired for anything else but hopefully ill have some time in the morning

Song of the day:

when legal rules are inadequate for the just reality

from: http://www.wesh.com/news/10059894/detail.html
CASSELBERRY, Fla. -- A Central Florida woman said the love of her life was killed in Iraq, and his death might be her one-way ticket out of this country.
She was only three months away from being a legal citizen by marriage. She could be forced to move back to her homeland, but with her son born in this country, she said she wants to stay.
Jeffrey Heard was a contractor in Iraq providing communications equipment to the military. He was killed in March in the combat zone. Dahianna Heard has a memorial to him in their Casselberry home.
But so far, none of that has mattered to immigration officials who said since he died before their second wedding anniversary, she and their 1-year-old son, Brian, have to go back to her home country.
"I don't want to go to Venezuala. It's not a good situation right now with President (Hugo) Chavez," she said. "My family is here. My life is here. Everything is here. I see my husband here. I have baby here. My family is here."
Her lawyer hopes the technicality will be overlooked. Jeff Heard had petitioned for his wife's citizenship, but that petition died with him. Her petition is seen as deficient because she wasn't married to him a full two years.
She said she wants to stay in the country her husband helped defend.
Her lawyer hopes to get a waiver on humanitarian grounds

my spin: a man, a private citizen, gives his life for our country and to repay him we are going to send his wife and american born son to live in a country led by one of our biggest adversaries because she is three months shy of two years marriage and legal status? what is immigration thinking? that rule was put into place to stop quick, green card based marraiges, which i do not believe this woman is.

Song of the day: fortunate son- CCR

gestalt II: flowers

wednesday, one of the guys from my coffee shop, lamont, gave me a white carnation. dont know why, but i accepted it happily and off i went. i forgot to take into the house with me though, and when i got to the institute yesterday, the white puff was still sitting on the passenger seat and it occured to take it into the workshop with me, feeling mildly silly but entirely myself.

well, surprise surprise, the workshop starts, and there are four stools sitting in the middle of the room, each one supporting a vase, three full of purple, yellow, orange and red flowers of multiple types, three full of flowers and one empty vase in the middle of this set up.
while two faculty read poetry, each group member had to go up in orderly fashion and select a flower to add to the first empty urn. sounds a little hokey, i know, but it worked in the moment, and as it the exersice got closer and closer to done, i reached into my bag and pulled out the white contradiction and placed into the vase.

my doubt on if this program was right for me, my doubt on if i should wait for kirsti to be able to join me, it disappeared (though i will be highly jealous should her time come and she gets both jackie and phil, i can imagine i will spend a few days crying if that becomes a reality...i cant help it that i am scorpio, and that type of response is inherent to the allignment of my stars). my doubts were alleviated by there being a place for my flower, and by my having a flower that spoke to how different i felt from everyone else in the room with me to bring to the situation.

Song of the hour: cello song- nick drake

gestalt I: mourning truth

i guess i entered the room with expectations, or i hadnt fully integrated certain truths, but the first night after the workshop, i needed to mourn little losses of apparently still existant realities that i must not have wanted to accept

first truth- jackie will not be on my faculty. ive known that since the end of july, but there was the reallity that she was not in the room, and in some ways that is really good- i already have a set pattern with her and this will give me opportunity to be different in learning- but mostly im sad that our magic wont be a part of this, the feeling of my breath caught in my throat and yet filled with oxygen, heddy, and animated. not only was my connection to her immediate, it was a part of my history before knowing her.

second truth- no dr. phil either. i didnt have opportunity to know him that well, but he settled into me quickly, his style almost as magical for me as jackie's. he knew what to say to juxtapose my fixed reality, without hurting.... it was almost instantatnious when i walked into the room, and i was glad he was watching me, and over listening on certain conversations i had that weekend.

third truth- and the hardest of all is the absence of my friend kirsti. she is not with me on this journey for a wonderful reason...shes pregnant. i know she has her own sadness and ambivilance about loosing the opportunity to do this for another dream, and she will have chance in the future, but the one thing that is not replacable would be the chance for the two of us to do this together. just as with jackie, this has some very positive attributes as we would cling together like white on rice if she were there, but it would also give us a lifetime experience to share....maybe far down the road we will again, maybe she will do her initial training a year or two in the future and we will do advanced programs together, but its still a little loss.

Song of the day: fire and rain- james taylor

Thursday, October 12, 2006

gestalted again

(youll understand the picture better later)

i wont dive in tonight, too tired, but i imagine i will be doing quite a bit of processing on this training progrmam over the next few weeks on these cyber pages.

i also have to keep a notebook journal once again. i am looking forward to it, but i dont think it will be as multifaceted as the notebook that began this blog almost one year ago. from the moment i heard i would be keeping a journal last fall, i knew i had a way to talk to jackie, before i even knew that she recognized me, a way for me to be fully present, a way to tell her about all the ways i was aware of her. i know i run a risk of you reading these words, i finally asked her if she does check me out, but that was before i knew i would write this. and maybe i highlighted it to get you to read, or maybe i am just curious...and maybe its better if i dont know, as thinking you might is changing my moment...of course moments are meant to be changed.

i just...suddenly, i find myself wanting to tell yall about my history with jackie. i dont know why, except that sitting in the gestalt group, i was having all these enlightening moments on the ways in which i have grown over the last year and where i am still stuck. i am fighting a need to say to myself "you messed up molly. its forgivable but you messed up" while trying to have understanding for the person i was when faced with jackie's interest in me, both in my own experience and upbringing in student/ university professor relatioships and knowing that she was idealizing me, and the struggle of trying to be what she was seeing in me, feeling empowered by her, knowing i would very likely be that person truly one day....but not actually being there yet.

and maybe i will talk about it, but not now

Song of the day: season of the witch- donovan

six degrees of judiasm to fashion sense

sitting in the waiting room of the therapists office, there are times you become friendly with the other regulars waiting for their hours. after about two months of inane chit chat with this one guy, he introduced himself just two weeks ago.

well, the following sunday i go out to an unnamed diner with my friends andy, jeff and gary, and who approaches my table but the guy, and he says to me "hey molly" and i say hey, and he says "so this is my place" and i say "what? you usually sleep at this table or something?" and everyone laughs at me because he OWNS the place.

so i see him again the next wednesday, and i mention how i had only been to this diner once before and had the surprise of running into an old camp (CW) counselor of mine working, and it turns out that he and this counselor, brent, have been best friends for close to 20 years, and asks if i know this other CW guy ed...and the name was familiar, but i couldnt picture his face.

so i email robin, "i met this guy who is really good friends with brent and wanted to know if i know this other guy. do you remember a village supervisor from CW named ed?" first she told me she knew this diner owner through her boss as well, and she mailed me this photo of brent (left) and ed, who i still dont really remember, but he kind of looks like keanu reeves- and looking at this photo, i realize now how i ended up being emtirely comfortable with my own wackiness, as this picture exemplifies my role models as a child.

Song of the day: history of us- indigo girls

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


did you forget about me?

17:45: you have forgotten...how disappointing.

Song of the day: eye of the tiger- survivor

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


there is energy in the world, meant to be felt, processed and shared.
each living being experiences this energy and does with it as they will.
will you listen?

you think i have visions
because i am an indian

i have visions because
there are visions to be seen
-buffy saint marie

why math kicks my behind

i actually like math, enjoy figuring things out, instead of just sensing...but only when it is clear HOW i can figure it out, otherwise, i just know the answer or i dont.

studying for the GRE's, i realize it depends less on what you know how to do, and more on knowing when they are trying to trick you by drawing pictures off scale and then you have to redraw. this requires me to read the directions and be less careless, more patient...but atleast im consistant in where i have difficulty i guess.

hess has been tutoring me, and he sees my frustration and says "molly, this should be alot easier then your job, i mean come on, math ALWAYS follows a set of rules, people are entirely off the charts" and i said "but all their rules are right there for you to see! thats easy. theres nothing to memorize, only to be open to learning about it."

i was in AP math classes up until the first year of high school where i encountered geometry and the dreaded proofs. the thing about geometry, you can have the right answer (which i did about 9 out of 10 times) and still fail the problem if you cant PROVE how you came to your conclusions as the proof is worth a full 50% of the score, and apparently, my path to the answer was never the correct way to get there, so i averaged a 50%, which is an F.

first i asked to be dropped down in math, but the guidance counselors said to stick it out, id get the hang of it. so i got a private tutor, abby, a JCU student who i really didnt like much,and we would meet maybe two or three times a week (my mom can correct me here if she wants to)but it was pointless. i failed the course and still had to take geometry the next year, where i got, holy cow, a D...but atleast i passed the second time through.

Song of the day: lodlow street-feathermerchants

Monday, October 09, 2006

vocab list three: countdown-17 days to 30

last night robin, in the name of true amity, let me know tonya called for her address. she was chary in sharing details, only saying she would make it for part of the celebration, atleast for a collation in some sort of refectory,but would be in the venerable position of single parenthood for the week while hubby dave was off working, so shes mildly limited in her free time that weekend, though i told her to just wear a decollete shirt that would make feeding luke easy and just bring him along (and that sentence is made up just so i could use a vocab word, though i did tell her she was free to bring the babes if that is what would hold her back).

so now i salaciously wait, as i was not endued with patience, knowing tonya is using nebulous speech to help keep me surprised, and i find myself wishing i were more prosaic as i am spending way too much time dreaming about what we will do, are all sposed to somehow get out to oberlin (her family has a lot of land behind the house) or wellington (tonya had mentioned some sort of retreat out there)to play outside, do i need to set up a carpool for the day (i dont mind driving my chased scion, but i hate the thought of everyone driving themselves so far! too much lucre put in the hands of the oilmen and asunder from my own beliefs).

tonya has been very phlegmatic in the face in my precipitous interest and control anxiety and i am doing my best not to disinter the scoop from my friends. i have been trying to give paean melodies to tonya, but 20 minutes before my period came, i felt immured by making sure i had all the right contact info for tonya in the correct medium, showing my entirely pedestrian thinking sometimes when it comes to meeting tasks.

and becasue i still have three more words to use so i will give tonya the appellation of sophist for her calm attitude in the face of this task. she is ingratiating herself with me and my posse, and i cant think of any maxims to use right now.

the end.

Song of the day:

Sunday, October 08, 2006

vocabulary list two: saddam hussein and the missing news article

on september 29th, i came across this article heaidng in yahoo news. when i tried to read the full missive (and yes i know i dont correctly use all these words, which may be an affront on philogy, but it is how i will remember best). the article disappeared for awhile, but now it is back.

U.S. Congress restricts Bush on Iraq spending 1 hour, 1 minute ago

Vicki Allen
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. Congress on Friday moved to block the Bush administration from building permanent U.S. military bases in Iraq or controlling the country's oil sector, as it approved $70 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

i think this is interesting, and has not an adventitious relationship to the toppling of saddam hussien. i dont really have any more to say on why the article disappeared though i can guess. i will leave it to you to make your own conclusion...

trying to collate what i had propounded about the iraqi war, which is that while our philistine president proclaimed he wanted to allow the iraqis to redress husseins inviolable dictatorship, and live in the euphony of freedom.

i, however, after reading wikipedia had decided that our charlatan leader wanted to make sure the us, and his own family could maintain control of middle east oil interests. keep in mind when reading this, that i am aware that saddam was a megalomaniac, no ghandi, but i want to acknowledge the complexity of iraqi society and address other aspects of his regime in order to have a more capacious understanding of the current war. from wikipedia :
Saddam's authoritarian rule kept the lid on pervasive tribal, class, religious, factional, and ethnic conflicts, and destabilizing forces externally, such as hostile powers like Iran and the United States. The cost, though, resulted in one of the more autocratic of the Middle East's many autocracies. Islamic fundamentalists, suppressed through classic carrot and stick tactics, and won over eventually by co-optation and coercion, tended to reject the direction in which Saddam led the country. And the region's traditional aristocracies, both Sunni and Shiite (the kinds of aristocracies that still rule the other Arab Persian Gulf states with an iron grip), rejected the populist nature of his policies which undermined and largely eroded aristocratic privilege. In short, large segments of Iraq's population tended to reject modernization even though it dramatically raised living standards in the aggregate.

In response, his efforts to construct mosques and portray himself as a devout Muslim in more recent years have been seen as measures to co-opt more religious segments of society. These measures have seemed to work, considering that Iraq has avoided the bloody fundamentalist insurgencies seen in other secular states, such as Egypt, Tunisia, and Algeria.
Since Iraq is a fragmented society and a fragile state, many have linked this to Saddam's attempts to forge an Iraqi and Arab national identity for his conflict-torn country. Saddam has espoused the ideas of the Ba'ath Party: Arab unity, the belief that that the Arab world was divided into 22 countries that should be united to serve the interests of the Arab people. But Saddam has also espoused Iraqi patriotism, expressing the belief that Iraq has played a unique role in the history of the Arab world [snip]Iraq's stance in the international community had alarmed Western powers. Iraq was the leading country in forming the Arab League, an alliance similar to Europe's European Economic Community. All oil nations would share and work together and plan their own army that would include no Europeans.

so now we are loosing the war, the declivity of the iraqi society is not only dangerous to the endemic populations (which never should have been forced into being one country, but the british goverment had no problem immolating mid-east boundaries and peace to keep the population occupied while western powers dessicated the oil supply)

the disingenuous spouting of caring about iraq has taken a westernized society and created a fallow land. since its incipient was done in a precipitate manner, and we have had a torporish response to the umbraged response of the mid-eastern world to the war, i believe we have only worsened the issue of terrorism as we aide the bush administration in their goal of maintaining control of alll oil supply. this war was to bush as being set free at a five-star buffet would be to a gourmand. he needs to go to the arctic and get run over by a floe.

i am not a pedant, i dont spend my life buried in books, but i also dont buy into the unethical reality that is currently my country with mawkish words. i dont think you have to be sagacious (though i do tend to be) to see what we have done, and i believe my words will have a sonorous affect for many. i will not be somnelent in response to the voluble talk of the government. i am by nature an obstreperous person who will torque my opinion until it is heard.

have a great day

Friday, October 06, 2006


some have called me strange for it
some have asked how i can know things
some tell me i am "thinking magically"
and only one could see me, and said so.

Edited 10/7/06- i took this down because i thought that i wrote this instead of an email that needed to be written, but by taking it down, i put away other important moments and connections and so i put it back up despite hsving sent my email with a few additives for any of you who read it in the brief moment it was up yesterday...

my friend robin used to do this relaxation technique for all us campers (she was a counselor) to fill up days taken over by the summer rain, and i would follow her voice, feel the colors she gave me in my spine, my arms resting heavily- left on heart, right on solar plexus- robin tells me how she used to dream lucidly and project astrally , and that technique was how she led herself to the seperation of conciousnous from body...i cant do that intentionally...

i never know when it will hit me, it isnt anything i can control, but i just know sometimes, when plans will change, when someone is thinking about me, etc. etc.... sometimes i am in the middle of someone elses moment, hearing the rain hit their canvas on a beached campsite while watching the snow flake on my roof... it tisnt supernatural, its just trusting Self.

keep it secret keep it secret, its what i was always told (i think mum had a similar way of viewing the world when she was young, and had a lot of trouble for it...), told to keep it secret, use it, but subtlety, dont ever approach it head on. i have friends that will read this and scoff, i have friends who will read this and nod, but i am tired of hiding things, and its on my mind.

ive been told spirituality is faith in god, or going to church, temple. ive been told that spirituality is my emotional reaction to my reality (but i dont think anxiety is all that spiritual, and that is definitly one emotional reaction i have). ive been told spirituality is meditation, or a pretty picture, or great sex.

my spirituality is my knowing, and it is also my biggest chain. sometimes i cant seperate what i believe from what "You" believe- sometimes i cant feel "You" and i panic..;..i guess all there is to do is grow grow grow.

Song of the day: sahara groove- hossam ramzy

Thursday, October 05, 2006

vocabulary list one

if "practice makes perfecct" is a true apothegm, then i am approaching the imminent occurance of GRE taking in an ingenious manner. i figure, gainsay of this truth will do me no good, as all it will do is help my avoid the encumberance of grad school.

editors note: i am a poet, so i will be creating my own words prolly, with vocabulary roots, but i promise not to be so long winded as to need cantos. i am an inveterate creature, and rather loutish when it comes to employing inchoate words,so a perfect precept for me would be "try, try , try until you succeed". however i am not so ingenuous as to think i wont need to design special sentances for some of these words.

sklipping over to poilitics and religion (there is no pecuniary gain in this for me by the way), i want to quickly bring to mind the venal quality many of our politicians possess, which is why so many are at a precipice point in their careers, not to mention the way the media tries to create a redoubtable and invidious atmosphere. they so often canvass on lies and i absolutely descry their lies. another bad political aspect right now is the apotheosis of george bush, who adulterated our government with religious idealogy. he should be acting as the laity he is, or should have become a philatelist instead. or become a monk and spout a tonsure.

anyhow, i miss the redolent atmosphere of the 90s, the smell of a successful society, natation in wealth and acceptance, where my unnatty dress was ignored

i feel like we americans are sitting at the quay, as the land is sered... we are killing ourselves...though i guess the jackie euphamism would be "we are challenging ourselves"

have a nice day

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

autumn insects

first i was but a split second from trying to suck this bee up my nose

Busiest and most useful of insects so it is time to examine your own productivity in life (mentally, physically, spiritually), shows how to communicate effectively, teaches how to carry loads and ideas to make them productive, teaches concentration and empowerment with lightness and agility. Are you reaping the honey of life by your dreams and opportunities? Are you productive in your actions?

then this guy was on my window screen

Praying Mantis:
Power of calmness, stillness, silence, time of meditation, inner reflection, stillness in healing or in creativity, teaches how to manipulate surroundings with skill, direct the body's energy to empower the body. Are you taking some quiet time for yourself? Are you being patient with those around you? Are you moving toward your goals? However slow it may take, patience and perseverance is the key. Are you allowing the time to stop and pause in between tasks? Are listening carefully to yourself, others and your surroundings - in other words are you paying attention? Praying Mantis can teach you how to balance these energies.

Song of the day:

Torture Bill- binding the supreme court?

Torture Bill States Non-Allegiance To Bush Is Terrorism
Legislation tolls the bell for the day America died, birth of the dictatorship
By Paul Joseph Watson & Alex Jones

Buried amongst the untold affronts to the Bill of Rights, the Constitution and the very spirit of America, the torture bill contains a definition of "wrongfully aiding the enemy" which labels all American citizens who breach their "allegiance" to President Bush and the actions of his government as terrorists subject to possible arrest, torture and conviction in front of a military tribunal.
The After five hours of searching through the 80-plus page bill, Alex Jones, who won the 2004 Project Censored award for his analysis of Patriot Act 2, uncovered numerous other provisions and definitions that make the bill appear as almost a mirror image of Hitler's 1933 Enabling Act.

The Enabling Act (Ermächtigungsgesetz in German) was passed by Germany's parliament (the Reichstag) on March 23, 1933. It was the second major step after the Reichstag Fire Decree through which the Nazis obtained dictatorial powers using largely legal means. The Act enabled Chancellor Adolf Hitler and his cabinet to enact laws without the participation of the Reichstag..

In section 950j, the bill criminalizes any challenge to the legislation's legality by the Supreme Court or any United States court. Alberto Gonzales has already threatened federal judges to shut up and not question Bush's authority on the torture of detainees.

"No court, justice, or judge shall have jurisdiction to hear or consider any claim or cause of action whatsoever, including any action pending on or filed after the date of the enactment of the Military Commissions Act of 2006, relating to the prosecution, trial, or judgment of a military commission under this chapter, including challenges to the lawfulness of procedures of military commissions under this chapter."

The Bush administration is preemptively overriding any challenge to the legislation by the Supreme Court.

i looked at the bill and this is indeed what congress passed! the supreme court was not invented to choose sides on abortion, though that is what we have turned them into. it exists to keep both the congress and the president from voting/vetoing in laws that give them too much power! that is why we have what they call a system of "checks and balances". this clause says it is not only against this bill for the supreme court to hear appeals by the lawyers of our current "enemy combatants", but also against the law for any court to challenge the constitionality of h.r.6166 and i cant believe that the highest judges in the land are going to take the loss of this power sitting down...

the terrosists will win because we are too placated by our suvs, cable tv and xanax to think that our ideals are more important then our utter safety. also, the commonality that exists in the united states is our support of the constitution, not religion, and the iraqi war (which we now know never had anything to do with 9/11, al-qaida had no presence in iraq under saddam, and bush used limited and faulty so called "intellegence" on WMDs to get the people's support) has been turned into a religious war, but it was really started over oil, which i will talk about when i have the opportunity to get back to saddam hussein and why he was a risk to the powers that be in this country. anyhow, life is dangerous, and supporting justice makes it even more so, but i am done being powerless in my fear...


Song of the day: go- indigo girls

eating on either side of the fast

i dont have any family in town, which works for me, especially on holidays. there is reason for this, people die on holidays in my family, my great grandfather (whose birthday i was born on in 76) died ON rosh hashana in 78, my great grandmother died ON the first night of passover in 83 and my grandmother died ON thanksgiving in 83 as well. due to this, holidays are full of yortziet and i have tended to avoid doing the family thing since i left home.

jeff hess invited me to spend the meal before the fast with him and jill zimon miller's family, and what a wonderful experience it was. i felt much more welcome in this home full of strangers then any place else i had ever gone, meaning friends or distant family. jills children are friendly and intelligent, her parents and husband are accepting and politically fun to talk with and i had pot roast for the first time and actually liked it. plus jill apparently graduated from msass with a dual degree in law in '91, and gave me a couple of contacts for employment...plus she knows my supervisor from marymount (my supervisor is not jewish but there truly is something to be said about the six degrees of judiasm...), and gave me a little gossip on her that brought her humanty a little back into light for me.

after the fast i mett my other friend jeff for pizza. it was a good way to end a hungry day....

Song of the day: dinner bell- they might be giants

on listening

there are times where i am definitly not the best listener. just ask my friend jeff hess, he'll tell you there are times that i will talk right through other people,meaning him, but jeff is a very thoughtful responder and i often think he is not going to answer me it takes him so long to consider his response... which is exactly the opposite of me.

me, i feel a need to immediately respond often, and so there are plenty of times that i get defensive, or totally go flat and show no reaction- look pretty thoughtless, as a way of buying time for me to decide what i really want to say instead of just saying "let me think about that...".

i think jeffs way is better....

Song of the day: it had to be you- frank sinatra

Sunday, October 01, 2006

after the kol nidre


i dont follow tradition on this day, though i let others think what they want, that i am at temple, or praying or atoning, its a day for me to feel connected, to explore, to find whats real...to question reality. its a day for me to be with me. it always has been.

my father loved neil diamond, played "the jazz singer" in the car, i felt that every trip back and forth from home to his house, he was already breaking his fatherly vows for the next two weeks, listening to the kol nidre in his oldsmobile with the windox up and a merit cigarette hanging from his lips.

but i feel connected on this day, already hungry (as a night muncher) knowing the morning through early afternoon will be easy, knowing every jew in temple or in bed, alone or laughing with family, walking home from schul or taking a motorcycle ride to the dairy queen tonight, even those that have converted away from our history of sadness and guilt, we know that every other jew too, is aware and thinking on the year, and trying to find their way forward...


Song of the day: "the jazz singer" soundtrack- neil diamond... i miss you daddy.
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