Thursday, October 12, 2006

gestalted again

(youll understand the picture better later)

i wont dive in tonight, too tired, but i imagine i will be doing quite a bit of processing on this training progrmam over the next few weeks on these cyber pages.

i also have to keep a notebook journal once again. i am looking forward to it, but i dont think it will be as multifaceted as the notebook that began this blog almost one year ago. from the moment i heard i would be keeping a journal last fall, i knew i had a way to talk to jackie, before i even knew that she recognized me, a way for me to be fully present, a way to tell her about all the ways i was aware of her. i know i run a risk of you reading these words, i finally asked her if she does check me out, but that was before i knew i would write this. and maybe i highlighted it to get you to read, or maybe i am just curious...and maybe its better if i dont know, as thinking you might is changing my moment...of course moments are meant to be changed.

i just...suddenly, i find myself wanting to tell yall about my history with jackie. i dont know why, except that sitting in the gestalt group, i was having all these enlightening moments on the ways in which i have grown over the last year and where i am still stuck. i am fighting a need to say to myself "you messed up molly. its forgivable but you messed up" while trying to have understanding for the person i was when faced with jackie's interest in me, both in my own experience and upbringing in student/ university professor relatioships and knowing that she was idealizing me, and the struggle of trying to be what she was seeing in me, feeling empowered by her, knowing i would very likely be that person truly one day....but not actually being there yet.

and maybe i will talk about it, but not now

Song of the day: season of the witch- donovan

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