Sunday, April 29, 2007


i have made the decision that it is time for a "sabatical", and will be pretty much putting this blog to bed for a month or so.

if i post i will be posting on sundays, so monday is the day to check and see whats up with me

i also will be checking email much less frequently

this is a strange time in my life, i feel like i am hitting a rock bottom again, having depression, and my life is way too crowded with "addictions": to electronics and junk food and misery.

i am going to withdrawl from caffiene again, eat only fresh foods, and spend most my free time outside. i am shutting the tv and computer off and opening books and hand journals

i need to get healthy, and it is a struggle right now......see you in june

Saturday, April 28, 2007

ms walk: a photo journey I

After Enlightenment 2007
sarah, michelle, tonya, nolan, me, diona, robin and the kids are in front

ms walk: a photo journey II

Song of the day:

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


im relearning my body again....all my talk about being fired, and i went and resigned my position during supervision today (so easy to disown things and make it about THEM, right?) numbness started re-escalating at school today, the room i work in is a sauna, and theres nothing to be done about it

this is the kind of social work i wanted to do once upon a time in the land before diagnosis, but i really dont think i physically can-i really want to be kinder to self instead of getting self annoyed for having limitations....and for me, its head first and hard when i decide on something, so to draw back....i am not used to giving up on things, not getting what i want, so this is new too

but there is a possibility i can be transferred to outpatient, and should hear from my supervisors supervisor in a few days....i just need to do social work in a stable environment thats airconditioned, not at an agency and an uncooled inner city school and by doing home visits to the projects- especially in the summer.....and i do still work at the hospital and maybe someone will be close to ready for a vacation soon if the outpatient thing doesnt work out

this is a very different side of me emerging, not bolting when embarrased or "in trouble", which is in total paradox with my tenacity and yet it makes total sense...if im gonna quit im gonna quit as head first and hard as i would work

Song of the day: return to innocence- enigma

robin's turtle

i love it that this creature now comes to you too

Song of the day: happy together- the turtles


the people around me,they see me having made leaps and bounds,i really want to quit this job,i hate feeling embarrased,like a failure,and i am there,but i am strugglingmovingforward

see,bad times hit us all, and we fight and turn and cry and live...

thats what ill keep on telling myself....and if i get fired at my three month point in 2 1/2 weeks, well, i already knew this wasnt really for me...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

i am here

was the theme of the gestalt weekend really, though i had a lot of trouble being anywhere but in my left leg...

there was alot of attention paid to how difficult it is to stay in the present moment in the present place....if you pay attention to where you are, you my find that often you are in a memory or stuck behind folded arms or sitting on the ceiling, and not in the "right here right now" and missing many opportunities to have meaningful contact....

Song of the day: Stay - Maurice Williams & The Zodiacs

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Crocodile Hunter Meets His Match

i saw this on havecoffee willwrite and find it so funny i have to carry it forward

Saturday, April 14, 2007

gestalting: i-thou vs. i-it and contact/boundary

those are the things that were approached in the workshop yesterday...

i-thou: with no set definition yet, the idea of i-thou seems to imply the idea of my authentic Self (i) meeting your authentic self (thou) at the point of contact (see gestalt cycle ) where as the "i-it" then implies that atleast one person is not being authentic, whether it be the i stereotyping a person or the i reshaping self to meet the needs of the thou, if it is not the true self for all participants then an "i=-it" contact has been not entirely clear on that yet, so let me get further into the weekend and do my reading after...

as for contact/boundary, it is the skill we worked on in practicum yesterday...practicum is where we break up into dyads (well actually my practicum is normally a group of four) and have opportunity to be both facilitator and client....well my client had to miss this weekend, so i had a new client and my new client had me as her new was strange and interesting....

the last time we met, back in february, the gestalt staff we had told me i had raw talent for this work....and that was empowering, but in real time, my real life, i dont see this talent playing out at all.....yesterday, i was told that my position as facilitator could have been taped for learning purposes, i was so successful in playing with the boundaries to allow contact without overwhelming either me or the client in this new pairing up (which was a strange dynamic on its own.... this was our fifth time meeting as a group, but really it was day one for me and my new client, as she and i had never built any field for some reason....and i am definitly not good with boundaries in real time, so it is strange to me that i am this successful in the learning environment with modulating contact and boundary, but cant seem to carry it over into my life...though one interessting thing that came up in the lecture part on contact/boundary is the difference between contacting with peers- often an "i-thou" experience and connecting with the gestalt staff, which many identified as feeling more like an "i-it" connection.

Song of the day: i write the songs- barry manilow

Thursday, April 12, 2007

i dont get to set the time frame

one thing about having MS, i dont get to choose how long i am sick for, and i have limitations in health, let alone in illness, and i just feel like i cant be good will be a full month since this period started on saturday, and i feel bankrupt! the depression is setting in

i cant find the prescription for neurotin that my doctor wrote, and i didnt have the energy to take care of it last week, so i borrowed some neurotin from a friend, and on tuesday called the mellen center, leaving the number of a i went to pick it up but it had never been called in, so i called the mellen center again, and the nurse had told the secretary that she had given me the prescription, but no one had informed me of the nurses refusal to call it here i am, owing my friend neurontin, and still needing it myself, and so i called back and asked again, and we will see if she actually does it....i am the patient, i am the sick one, and they are supposed to help me, not make life harder (atleast it feels like an unnecessary road block)

my therapist just left town for almost three weeks, so there goes one of my biggest support through an episode and my next gestalt weekend starts TODAY -i am woefully unprepared(a...nd let me add that she has been gone every single gestalt weekend so far for two weeks after or more- talk about unlucky- )oh, and the woman who i process my gestalt weekends with when my therapist is out of town just lost a family pet and i hear an introjection of "SHHHH!" coffee buddy had to change his routine due to financial issues so im on my own in the email has all but stagnated, nothing incoming, morning after morning of and pfaw announcements and noone just randomly saying "good morning molly, try to have a great day" now that i dont have the energy to do that for others...i do have one friend who has remained consistant in keeping in touch through this though, and my godfather ofcourse...(wow, is my depression obvious!)

Song of the day: silence again

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Crushed pelvises

you can tell that i am starting to feel a little better, getting bored in taking it easy (but when i push to hard, the episode reescalates...dont ask me how it works im not entirely sure...) anyhow...

futurama is one of my all time favorite '90s shows...another matt groenig creation, i think it speaks for my gen-x, Mtv generation better than any oither tv show, including the simpsons, which will always be an '80s, sneaking out of bed to watch tracy ullman cartoon....this is one of my all time favorite scenes

my "neice and nephews" (as i am an only child but their mother is one of my oldest friends, shes more like family) playing a conga line in panama city....

Song of the day: kokomo- beach boys (with john stamos on drums, lol)

sophie may consider putting this on mute, as i sound kind of like a know it all and the conversation is silly, but what a sweet dog memory

Song of the day: no woman, no cry- bob marley

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

finding an old friend

i should be doing work, and i havent gotten a lick done, but i did find my old friend chris on myspace (and i want to point out that the picture-her face- looks like its newer, but shes wearing the same damn green mr. rodgers sweater that i was highly jealous of over a decade ago), and i am hoping she will log in (something she hadnt done since march 7) and write me back....i really miss knowing her

Song of the day: wish i- mary fortune express

american facism: IMPORTANT

Andrew Sullivan links this morning to a post concerning one Walter F. Murphy, proud Marine Corps veteran of the Korean War with 5 years on active duty and 19 years in the reserves. All that time and dedication to his country went down the sewer, however, the moment Murphy disagreed with President George Bush.

“On 1 March 07, I was scheduled to fly on American Airlines to Newark, NJ, to attend an academic conference at Princeton University, designed to focus on my latest scholarly book, Constitutional Democracy, published by Johns Hopkins University Press this past Thanksgiving.”

“When I tried to use the curb-side check in at the Sunport, I was denied a boarding pass because I was on the Terrorist Watch list. I was instructed to go inside and talk to a clerk. At this point, I should note that I am not only the McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence (emeritus) but also a retired Marine colonel. I fought in the Korean War as a young lieutenant, was wounded, and decorated for heroism. I remained a professional soldier for more than five years and then accepted a commission as a reserve office, serving for an additional 19 years.”

“I presented my credentials from the Marine Corps to a very polite clerk for American Airlines. One of the two people to whom I talked asked a question and offered a frightening comment: “Have you been in any peace marches? We ban a lot of people from flying because of that.” I explained that I had not so marched but had, in September, 2006, given a lecture at Princeton, televised and put on the Web, highly critical of George Bush for his many violations of the Constitution. “That’ll do it,” the man said.”

This is what we’re being protected from. Not real terrorists who threaten our lives, but political dissenters who exercise the rights guaranteed in our most precious document: our Constitution.

“I have a personal stake here, but so do all Americans who take their political system seriously. Thus I hope you and your colleagues will take some positive action to bring the Administration’s conduct to the attention of a far larger, and more influential, audience than I could hope to reach. “

I’ve done my small part here. Pass it forward.

Comment by Michael

I think I’ll pass this along and post a link to this in my blog. Thank you for sharing this.

Comment by Jeff Hess

Shalom Michael,

You’re very welcome. And thank you for passing it forward.



Song of the day: burn all the letters- indigo girls

Monday, April 09, 2007

im going to prom

i just got asked to gay prom!!ive never been to a prom....

but considering this is not the healthiest period of my life and i have a gestalt workshop this weekend, i said that i would love to go, but i have to leave by ten thirty because my fairy godmother said id turn into a pumpkin at half past ten......its all so ann-margret!!

Song of the day: dancing queen-abba

Sunday, April 08, 2007

the same roof the next morning

this morningas for the roAads...i know that odot is saying its prepared and doing its best, but i live on a main road, and you cant reallt tell the difference between the street and the sidewalk...

oh, happy snowy easter

Song of the day:

Saturday, April 07, 2007

blizzard in april!?

aaah, gotta love cleveland
april 7, 200

Song of the day: winter wonderland- bing crosby?

knesset vs. congress

i think its interesting how the knesset(equivilant of us congress)union leader views the congress....really i think we should be taking lessons from MK Cohen(equal to congressman or senator)at the end of the story.... if my congressman made herself available to a public forum in cleveland 3 times a month, id be thrilled...bbut truthfully, ms. tubbs jones is much more interested in her national recognition that what her constituents actually need or want, plus i think most our politicians are more interested in pork then bills...atleast, thats how i feel about it...
Apr. 5, 2007 3:22 | Updated Apr. 5, 2007 9:40
Itzik hopes to put public within a dial tone of their MKs

...According to the initiative that is still in its planning stages, dozens of MKs will man telephone lines together in a large room at the Knesset, receiving calls from citizens asking for help with their problems. Ordinary citizens would be able to request any specific MK or an MK with a particular background or expertise....
She also wants MKs to be required to visit schools once a year, either where they live or where they themselves were educated.

National Union MK Benny Elon, who is the incoming chairman of the Knesset Public Complaints Committee, praised the telethon idea. He said that while many MKs were
already doing a great deal to serve their constituencies, MKs could learn much from congressmen in the United States.

"In the US, they have districts and people know that their representative will help them," Elon said....

United Torah Judaism MK Ya'acov Cohen agreed with Elon that holding a telethon once a year was not enough. He recently proposed a bill requiring MKs to meet with their constituents no less than 30 times a year in locations across the country.

Cohen personally makes a point of meeting with his haredi constituents more than 100 times a year. He takes out advertisements in the haredi press informing the public what city he will be in and when he will be available for meetings with ordinary citizens.

"I think the least we can do as MKs is meet people at least a couple of times a month," Cohen said. "The public has lost its faith in their elected officials and in most cases, it's not justified. Many MKs are working very hard and are honest people. This is a better solution than instituting regional elections, and it's the perfect thing to do to restore the public's faith in the Knesset."

Friday, April 06, 2007

meaningful coincidence: another poem

i found this very interesting...i was reading through "the language of life" by bill moyers yesterday while waiting on the doctor, and came across a very short but appropriate poem bye naomi nye, and i meant to post it last night, but didnt get around to it...well this morning i stopped by "have coffee will write" and low and behold, there was the poem, posted by hess...i love meaningful coincidence
Walk around feeling like a leaf.
Know you could tumble any second.
Then decide what to do with your time.

From The Art of Disappearing by Naomi Shihab Nye

Song of the day: sahara groove- hossam ramzy

Thursday, April 05, 2007

poem-excerpt from: "It Started" by Jimmy Santiago Baca

To Richard and Rex
an epicenter of originality, companionship,
pain and openness,

For some
the first time in their life writing,
for others the first time saying openly what they felt,
the first time finding something in themselves,
worthwhile, ugly and beautiful.

I think of you and me. Last night I was
thinking of you. I am your friend. I don't want you
to think otherwise.

I was thinking, when we first wrote to each other.
I remember instances, of tremendous joy
when receiving your letters,
what cells I was in,
what emotional state, under
what circumstances.
Your letters always fell like meteorites
into my lap.
You were my first friendship
engendered in this state, perhaps,
all my past life.

sometimes, its the only thing i can do, paying it forward...i just feel so powerless right now, and maybe it seems so simple, what you have given, what i have given ...
but i'm finding strength in it

Song of the day: stay human- michael franti

check-up with the neurologist part II

i forgot

she also said i need to rest more
and she wrote a letter to my employer
recommending flexibility
and made it clear to me
she'll write a three page letter
explaining the situation
but she doesnt want to talk to them
over the phone
in person

....i think she's really bashful and overwhelmed (hmmm, no wonder i feel a connection with her)

Song of the day: a chair in the sky- joni mitchell

a check-up with neurologist (finally)

swinging steroid swinging, still... it started with a twenty minute waiting room wait after the beginning of my appointment...late and late somemore, right

the nurse comes out, its a new nurse, the regular nurse -who has been an on and off nurse since '99, has apparently left for good, moved away to florida with her husband...

the new nurse, kathleen, was nice enough. she checked my walking (my left sided unbalancing act was hilarious, jumping all around to stay up right)checked my vision (which always returns to 20/20 for a couple months after steroid treatment, astigmatism be damned)

she checked strength in the arms, strength in the hands, legs feet (all fine...i could have told her that) she pointed out the physiological tremor in my right hand in the finger to nose to her finger to nose etc... i said, oh no, thats not ms, my grandpa has the same thing

she did not check my reflexes (which sucks, cause its always been my favorite part of the exam, almost tickle like) she asked a ton of person al questions, made sure i wasnt the victim of domestic violence, etc etc

then the doctor came in, very unhumorous and disheveled, she commented on my mood swinging, she commented on my impatience...we bickered a little about steroid dosing- i wanted three days of 1500 milligrams- a dose of 1500 kicks the healing straight up...she said that its practically malpractice to give that much...i said "well, ive had it three time at that dose before....i would have signed a waiver" and snorted...i dont think she'll ever give me my way again

she did make a few preventative suggestions including
1. take the steroids BEFORE you have problems situations- i do know that systematic change seems to be a vulnerable spot of mine and starting anew job that involves involvement with two new systems (beech brook and the school) is a trigger
2. get back to eating well and exercising regularly
3. become a quaker....i think that one was a joke though

all in all, just what i i just need to be patient for the next month or so and let the steroids do their work

Song of the day: allergies- paul simon

donating to a worthy cause: understanding heifer international

Our Work
How Heifer Does What it Does
Behind our success is the hard work of our field staff exerts, so that projects function effectively with the best environment for project success. Scroll down to see our step-by-step process.

The steps are as follows:

1. Community groups approach Heifer International for help in setting up an animal or agriculture project.

2. Country program staff meet with applicants to make sure the group's goals are compatible with Heifer's mission and that they have the capacity to carry out the project successfully. Heifer staff and project participants go through a careful planning process to decide which animals or crops would be most beneficial.

3. The project plans are submitted to the Heifer International headquarters for approval.

4. Before receiving their animals, project participants must first undergo rigorous training to learn about Heifer's Cornerstones such as gender equity and sharing and caring, which will guide them toward just and sustainable development. For many participants, the training is as important as the animals they receive.

5. Families build shelters and other facilities needed to keep animals healthy. Often, families build zero-grazing facilities - airy pens with elevated floors that keep animals with destructive grazing habits away from valuable crops. They also may plant trees and grasses to be used to feed their new animals.

6. Once families receive Heifer animals, they put their training to use. Soon, eggs, milk and meat improve nutrition. Extra eggs and milk can be sold to improve income, while animal manure fertilizes crops. Bees produce honey, and trees, vegetables, fruit and other crops begin to produce food, fuel and fibers. Water buffalo, oxen and camels provide draft power that makes farming and transportation much easier.

7. It's now time for project partners to pass on the gift of self-reliance to others. Heifer recipients pass one one or more of their animal's offspring, training and skills to another family in need. The new recipients agree to pass on the gift as well, creating a chain of giving that can touch thousands of lives.

8. Heifer project partners share stories of their successes with other groups. Project participants encourage others to seek Heifer's help so that they, too, can become self-reliant.

a poem for strength and renewel

Miriam's Well

By Barbara Holender

Due to the merits of Miriam, a mysterious well, created on the eve of the first Sabbath, accompanied the children of Israel in the desert.

It followed her everywhere
like a lover, easing us to rest,
springing from hidden places
in our wanderings.

Always, we were thirsty. Angered
by our wailing, she'd stamp her feet.
Even from the pools of her heelprints
we drank.

Once in anguish
she beat the rocks with her bare hands
again and again, weeping.
Water gushed, cleansing her blood,
soaking her hair, her robe.
She cupped her hands, rinsed her mouth,
spat; she splashed, she played.
Laughing, we filled our bellies.

She was the one we followed,
who knew each of us by name.
Healing rose from her touch as drink
from the deep, as song from her throat.

She was the well. In our hearts
we called her not Miriam, bitter sea,
but Mayim, water.

-thank you, jackie

Song of the day:Pas De Chance - Sahraoui

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

ok, have to admit, i left work left back is spasming in a way that makes me need to sit in strange positions and i just was too uncomfortable sitting that way in front of the i came home.

i came home to this email from barack obama....and while i am sure everyone has heard this news already, i wnat to underscore it....

he is very much like me in raising money for what he believes...for the ms walk the last two years, i raised close to $1000 per year with hundreds of one and two dollar donations....i would end up with about 300+ donors a year this way... visit my page to sponser me this year...i intend on walking, spasming and numbness or not....anyhow

and so obama has created differnce through 100,000+ smaller donations, $10-$25 donations...and instead of the nra or corn lobby (damn that high fructose crap) having their mitts on our politicians, the People- not the rich people (democrat and republican alike- but the People- you and me-are finally having
opportunity to support something we believe in without needing to worry the tune will change once a guys in office to please the BIG DONORS who believe their money should influence the job
Dear molly,
Ten weeks ago, on an icy day in Springfield, we launched an audacious campaign to change our politics and lift our country.
Today, I have some exciting news to share about the phenomenal progress we've made. And I wanted you to hear it first.
I'm proud to tell you that, after the first quarter of the campaign, we've exceeded all of our hopes and expectations.
In less than three months, a staggering 100,000 Americans have contributed to our cause -- tens of thousands more than the number reported by any other campaign. That's on top of the hundreds of thousands who have attended rallies, started groups and shared their ideas and energy.
It's been a truly historic response -- a measure of just how hungry people are to turn the page on this era of small and destructive politics and repair our American community.
And because of that extraordinary base of support, we were able to raise an astonishing $25 million -- $23.5 million of which can be used to help us in the upcoming primary contests.
What makes this achievement even more noteworthy is that we did it without taking any money from PACs or federal lobbyists. Instead, we're counting on you; on folks across America who want to take their country back and steer us to a better course.
You've sent an unmistakable message to the political establishment in Washington about the power and seriousness of our challenge.
But for all the impressive numbers by which pundits will judge this campaign, we know that every step of our progress happens one person at a time.
One person sharing their story of why they decided to get involved in the political process, one volunteer deciding to have a conversation about the campaign with their neighbor, one donor owning a piece of this campaign for as little as $5.
I've been struck by how personal this campaign experience has been for so many of you.
You heard last week from Rashed, a veteran and father who made his first-ever donation to a political campaign because of his hopes for his daughter. This campaign is the story of hundreds of thousands of people like him -- people participating because they believe that politics can mean something again.
We've put together a small presentation about all we've accomplished together so far, and links to a few of the personal stories from people who donated to the campaign or hosted a community get-together this past weekend. You can see it here:
I want to thank you for all that you have done so far. This milestone for our campaign proves something I learned as a community organizer long ago: that together a whole lot of ordinary people can achieve something extraordinary.
And we're only just getting started.
Thank you,
Barack Obama

Song of the day: Kaloui Alik Anasse - Cheb Tarik

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

dragons and things

so, things have kind of taken a turn for the worse....started at work yesterday..alot of muscle cramping/ my feet, left hip, left waist and rib cage, and i can feel when things relax for a second...and then it kicks in again

so ive been up since 3 am, and i was in so much pain i figure "well, you may as well clean up some" as the apartment had entered a state of disaster over the past few weeks, and got everything done except for bedroom/laundry...

i am also planning how to stay active through all this, and will hit target around eight, buy some comfortable loose fitting frocks (forget fashion) and paper plastic eating materials to make my life more managable through this- oh, throw away litter boxes (and organic food? do i really need to be worried about purina one?)

...i believe in saving my earth, but my internal energy is top priority right now, and i will support myself any way i can

i really wish this was no longer the main focus of my life, my head space, my weblog, my heart, but its one of those times, i have to admit, this isnt like having a cold, this is a pretty serious dragon i need to face...

Song of the day: can't you see- marshall tucker band

Sunday, April 01, 2007


welcome to the world, my friend, i saw my first turtle of the season the day you were born, there was a whole group swimming and this one large, turtle swam back and forth in front of where i was sitting, and it would lift its head periodically and look of fin the distance behind me....i think you are going to have a very creative, interesting, bilingual time of it

matayis "te"
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