unforgivable

so i am technically still supposed to do wolf creek, despite what happened with the professor....

only i dont know what comes next...i have no idea how to move forward in this relationship.

am i supposed to just go to the wolf creek night she said she would run for us to meet eachother since the first weekend was cancelled and pretend that nothing happened? can i sit there, knowing i have my own side and feelings, and not sharing it?

i feel like ive been a bad girl and i should just keep my mouth shut (in gestalt, that is called an introjection)...but everything is different now. i am so angry at her for not setting me straight sooner, and from a place of kindness and learning instead of....well i dont know what she was feeling, but i would guess anger, fear, grief, overwhelmed, exasperated.....it kind of feels like a betrayal.....i have trusted her ever since i heard her tell this guy julius that he has less power because he talks so much...i thought she would be real with me like that, and now i dont know what was true and what wasnt

i know i messed up, her mother has just died, and i can now see how inciting the word "crush" was (everyone keeps telling me i must have scared the crap out of her concerning legal stuff as she runs a self-help business) and i think some of the other words also could have been taken in a different way then i meant, and i hate that i pushed because i couldnt sit with ambivilance...

but i was struggling with my own need, still am...i really wish she had just told me what was straight up before i ruined everything (and im sure this is an exaggeration, but it feeld like that right now)...

i sent a little solstice card to her, and for the first time she said nothing back , confusing, as i figured this would be the type of communication she would want in this new world, and not the personal stuff....anyhow, i was not looking for an invite to her solstice, i am not ready to see her, i was just trying to keep things friendly...

i feel so much shame and have so many tears

Song of the day: silence

weight loss

yeah! the scale actually read under 190 pounds for the first time since early march....guess i finally got all the steroids out!

....now, to just reduce the weight of my spirit...

Song of the day: i want you (shes so heavy)- beatles

...but dont go talking my want in the wrong way now, like some other people...

turtle

what a cute turtle!!

Song of the day: turtle blues- janis joplin

orange crush- snapdragon

couldnt think of any other words to say
i dont know you well enough to feel this way....
but i felt you looking at me yesterday
and when i looked at you you turned away
how am i supposed to know the things im supposed to say

because i dont want tt tell you that i love you
i dont want to promise you tomorrow
i just want to tell you that i think of you
and it makes me feel all right

sometimes when the words come out to heavy
they can run you over like an eighteen wheeler
if your not looking, if your not ready
it can hit you harder than a freight train

i dont like the way it feels to be afraid
i dont ever want to scare you anyway
guess ill never say the one thing that i meant to say

i dont want to tell you that i love you
i dont want to promise you tomorrow
i just want to tell you that i think of you
and it makes me feel all right
i dont want to hold your hand and shiver
i dont want to hear you say my girlfriend
i just want to tell you that i think of you
and it makes me feel all right

Song of the day:orange crush- snapdragon

for you, and our different meanings

the problem with chinese merchandise....

is that china is much less restricted then america in both labor laws and health and safety guidelines

yes, its cheaper to buy when the products made in china but....

from the businees section of todays cleveland plain dealer, since april 11, 2007 almost two million chinese products have been recalled. this does not include the poisoned pet food that caused terror for pet owners, or the toxic colgate (hey jeff, doesnt a fourth of americans buy their tooth paste from walmart-where else can you get it cheaper)the recalled products include none other then....

1.95 million of these products were child toys containing high levels of lead or posing chocking or fire hazards-and not just any toys, but 1.5 million were thomas the train toys (lead paint)...a friends oldest son is a die hard fan of thomas (well, atleast he was until he discovered the teenage mutant ninja turtles)...he is not yet five and lead is most dangerous to children under six. the thought of him being exposed to lead is enraging...and i think of the kids i work with, and the massive behavioral and learning challenges they struggle with.....and maybe the cheap toys from china did it?

its time to go back to buying american- reduce the ever increasing gain of the ceo's and stock holders, provide appropriate living wages as well as above standard materials...we say its important to keep kids safe, well then, give their parents good jobs making safe toys ....

i know its just a fantasy, i dont know if that would really work at all, but come on, china is not only getting the jobs, their hurting our kids...

Song of the day: battle in seattle- the no wto combo

private embarrassment, difficult learning

it has been a rough week, learning about myself....

it was started by a misunderstanding with that majickal professor of mine, where my words were taken in a wrong way-im blushing shy around her in person, and this chick says to me while driving me home "there sure was a lot of weirdness when you guys hugged, but i know its hard to not be intimidatred by her" well, im not intimidated by her, and i certainly didnt want her thinking i was intimidated by her so i told her i have this little crush, which in mollys world means that i admire her so intensly i go straight to my head and feel dizzy and shy. i had just learned about a new defense mechanism in gestalt-it actually is a concept i think could work for my shyness-which i feel is real important to get over so as to fully take in what she has to give. but she heard crush and took it as i was hot for her...well, her exact phrase was "romantic feelings", which i took as a classier way of referring to sexual feelings, but its not about sex at all. its about spirit, and admiration....actually its funny, if you think about it, the woman is older than my mother- dont get me wrong, shes very attractive, but...

anyhow, she pretty much told me i wasnt special, not in class or in that early recognition we both had, and that im not a good friend of hers.....also interesting, as i never really considered us friends, let alone good friends...i did try to look at it that way, i didnt know how to know her if i rejected the idea of friends, but when people asked, my general response was "i guess you could call us friends, but i would say we are more strange and undefined"....shes a guide, a teacher...i feel like im supposed to know her, and powerful things will come from it (though i really wish this interaction had changed that for me, then i could just walk away, like i always do).......she told me i was too needy, needed to much time, energy, attention....i know i take alot of energy, i know im needy right now...ive said from the beginning to tell me to back off if i get to be overwhelming(i was hoping for nicely), give me a boundary, and she didnt until this whole crush thing.....

then my mother came to town. i needed help (needy, indeed) i needed help getting my life back together after having been so sick this spring. i was at work while she attacked my closets....i came home to so much storage space i said, "oh, no. now im going to have to fill it!!"

mom said "why is it, molly, that youve always needed (another appropriate use of the word) why have you always needed to fill any empty space you can find?"

very insightful of her, as its true, whether closets or relationships...its part of what happened with the professor...she kind of ignored the word crush, but i had to know where she was...i couldnt sit with my concerned curiosity so i had to push her....i had to fill the space.

gives me alot to think about, thats for sure

Song of the day: i do- edie brickell

"...and im filling in the negative space with positively everything"

talk about a great way to create a cold war...

Bush ready to meet Putin to improve ties
By JENNIFER LOVEN, Associated Press Writer

HEILIGENDAMM, Germany - President Bush said he hoped to convince Russian President Vladimir Putin on Thursday that their dispute over a U.S. missile defense system is not an issue "to be hyperventilating about."

ok, can we say that this is one of the most patronizing and dangerous things our president has ever said...

there was this "for better or for worse" cartoon my mother had hanging in the kitchen when i was a kid where the mother and son were fighting nd the son says to the mother "DONT GET YOUR PANTYHOSE TIED IN A KNOT!!"

to me, telling the president of Russia not to hyperventilate over a missle system that he will give no explanation for (and to be honest, ive been wondering what his intention is as well) is the equivillent of the sons statement to his mother....the son probably only ended up grounded....i wonder what the consequence of this inappropriate and uncalled for comment will be....


Song of the day: back to the ussr- the beatles

changes

wolf creek-a five weekend camping/commnity/personal workshop run by that majickal professor of mine (if you remember anything about her...and if not read how my blog got started)was cancelled for this weekend, and will be rescheduled....i wasnt ready to really say much about it until now, but....

the weekend was sposed to start at 10:00 am on friday, but the majickal professor's mother died at six am that morning.

for me, it really works out best. my left thigh and waist have again contracted,though thankfully the numbness is mild (knocking on wood). i started having problems on thursday, and was almost going to cancel myself, though i got to a place inside where i accepted i could still go, but would have to sleep inside as well as sit out many of the activities.

i received a notice with information on the funeral and shiva...it wasnt for me specifically, but everyone involved in wolf creek this year....i am going to the service but not the shiva, and that decision is based on a few things:
1. iwant to support someone who has been very supportive of me
2. i have never been to a shiva and dont know i want to
3. this is also my therapists aunt that has died and i need to make sure we both feel ok, and i think that shiva is a little too personal and private

i am definitly going to go though, in a bright dress and a supportive mood...

...i would email her in the middle of the night while i was sick, about my pain, my inability to sleep, about my loss (feeling loss, job loss etc...), and she always responded with her positive words, she never pitied me, she stood out from the soft eyes and sympathetic apologies so many people gave me (actually, r, you and k also were positive through my difficulties, not pitying me, and i appreciate it)


poem of the morning: runner at twilight-grace butcher

i move, shining, over dim hills.
the grass unwinds a blur of rivers
on the bottom of the night;
i cross with no bridges.
my hair is heavy with fog,
and my breathing is the force
that spins the universe.
there is more to the spectrum
than i suppesed:
beyond the violet are endless miles
of impossible colors.

-travel well, mrs. schloss

this is a plus sized model?!!!

thisa is an advertisement for "the avenue", a store for larger women sized 14-32 (im sitting between 16 and 18 myself right now), but would somebody tell me how its possibler in a reasonable world that this woman could be considered "plus size"? she looks porportionate and healthy, not an ounce of fat anywhere...i bet she is tall, and muscular

i really believe that something needs to change...no wonder we have people intentionally starving themselves, even to death, when looking heathy is considered big

Song of the day: bbig boned gal- k.d. lang

i quit smoking five ears ago today......as i sit here, struggling with depression, trying to manage the anxiety i feel about this weekend being the first wolf creek weekend (i am still not fully healthy, the weather is warm, and i just feel unsure of being able to care for self in the situation)i knoiw that this is a huge accomplishment

Song of the day: i smoke alot- k's choice

I smoke a lot.
I'm not talking weed or pot,
I smoke the regular stuff.
I smoke a lot.

And if you're a smoker too,
you've got to know sometimes it's tough
to be in healthy company.
People who always say:
'You smoke a lot,

Imagine the amount of money
you could save if you'd quit.
You smoke a lot,
by now you'd have a bike-
Aren't you concerned about the kids...

Well, of course, sure I am,
concerned a bit.
But about that bike,
I could get killed with it.
And is that what you really want,
it's not.

So I smoke a lot,
I smoke a lot.
My god I smoke a lot, and I feel fine,
I smoke a lot.

I smoke a lot,
sometimes it's great,
sometimes it's not,
I smoke a lot.

The future of advertising (Futurama)

just another futurama moment that left me smiling

shop at sears!

you know, life is not about the best deal you can find (though at times it is necesarry to bargain shop)....life is about purpose and integrity, things i feel are often lacking in our current society. so cheers to sears for putting integrity before profit....

from havecoffeewillwrite.com

Let’s All Show Up At Sears

I assume you have all seen the reports about how Sears is treating its reservist employees who are called up? By law, they are required to hold their jobs open and available, but nothing more.

Usually, people take a big pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being called up, Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and bonus programs, for all called up reservist employees for up to two years. I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and should be recognized for its contribution.

I suggest we all shop at Sears, and be sure to find a manager to tell them why we are there so the company gets the positive reinforcement it well deserves.

Pass it on.

Well, I decided to check it out before I sent it forward. I sent the following email to the Sears Customer Service Department:
I received this email and I would like to know if it is true. If it is, the Internet may have just become one very good source of advertisement for your store.

I know I would go out of my way to buy products from Sears instead of another store for a like item even if it was cheaper at the other store. Here is their answer to my email.

Dear Customer:

Thank you for contacting Sears. The information is factual. We appreciate your positive feedback. Sears regards service to our country as one of greatest sacrifices our young men and women can make. We are happy to do our part to lessen the burden they bear at this time.

Bill Thorn
Sears Customer Care
webcenter@sears.com

Song of the day:

the sire of sorrow (job's sad song)-joni mitchell

let me speak, let me spit out my bitterness-
born of grief and nights without sleep and festering flesh.
do you have eyes? can you see like man-kind sees?
why have you soured and curdled me?

oh, oh- you tireless watcher-what have i done to you,
that you make everything i dread and everything i fear come true?

once i was blessed, i was awaited like the rain
like eyes for the blind, like feet for the lame
kings heard my words and they sought out my company
but now the janitors of Shadowland flick their brooms at me

oh, oh-you tireless watcher-what have i done to you,
that you make everything i dread and everything i fear come true?

man is the sire of sorrow

ive lost all taste for life, im all complaints.
tell me-why do you starve the faithful, why do you crucify the saints?
you let the wicked prosper, you let the children frisk like deer
and my loves are dead or dying, or they dont come near

we dont despise your chastening, god is correcting you

oh and look who comes to counsel my deep distress
oh, these pompous physicians-what carelessness!
all this ranting, all this wind-filling our ears with trash
breathtaking ignorance, adding insult to injury,
they come blaming and shaming me -evil doer-and shattering me
this vain man wishes to seem wise-a man born of assess

oh, oh- you tireless watchers-what have i done to you,
that you make everything i dread and everything i fear come true

we dont despise your chastening

already on a bed of sighs and screams and still you torture me-
with visions, you give me terrifying dreams.
better i was carried from the womb straight to the grave,
i see the diggers waiting theyre leaning on their spades.

man is the sire of sorrow, as sure as the sparks ascend

where is hope while you're wondering what went wrong?
why give me light and then this dark without a dawn?
evil is sweet in your mouth, hiding under your tongue
show your face! what a long fall from grace
help me understand, what is the reason for your heavy hand?
youre stumbling in the shadow, you have no name now
was it the sins of my youth? what have i done to you,
that you make everything i dread and everything i fear come true

oh your guilt must weigh so greatly
you make everything i dread and everything i fear come true
man is the sire of sorrow
you make everything i dread and everything i fear come true

Indigo Girls: Let It Ring (Amy Ray)

its just that kind of day

amy ray says it like it is

....oh yeah, now i remember why this woman was a life teacher of mine- and i am greatful she took on the role (no matter how untintentional and brief our experiences were, intereacting with you- like you'll read this- interacting with you, both in canine arguements and fashionable admiration, always made an impact.....thank you)

Song of the day: let it ring- amy ray

Song of the day:

compare to today

this song has beenn going through my head for a day.....then i found this representation

native american, iraqi, partisan hiring and firing of lawyers....on and on

TAKE A STAND!!!

poem: Pink

How not to act out ANXIETY
flashing angry pink before the eyes
and underlined-
exclained!!!

How- it's the new question-
not why, not the explanation
but the zenned
understanding of purpose.

Shhh! Dont bemoan the misery.
Be Job- stronger,
holier- and free

haiku

walking

sitting, briefly, not
yet a three-legged advo-
cating old woman.

managing ms: beating the heat

Handling the Heat of Summer
(from the MS society)
Summer will soon be upon us. But for people with MS, hot weather often brings additional challenges.
Heat can cause symptoms to appear or make the ones you already have feel worse. It can affect walking, thinking, strength and energy levels. As many as 60 to 80 percent of people with MS have had heat-related symptoms. One theory suggests that damaged nerves may conduct electrical impulses adequately under ideal temperatures but higher temperatures can interfere with the process.
Fortunately, the effects of heat are usually temporary. With hot weather on the way, take time to assess your own sensitivity and find strategies that help you ease the effects of heat:
Stay in an air-conditioned environment during periods of extreme heat and humidity. If an air conditioner is needed to help minimize the symptoms of MS, the cost may be tax deductible if a physician has written a prescription for it.
Use cooling products (vests, neck wraps, bandanas, etc.) during exercise or outdoor activity.
Exercise in a cool environment. Pick cooler times of the day or use air conditioning or a fan to help maintain body temperature. Spraying yourself with a hand-held spray bottle may also help you keep cool. Also, exercising in a cool pool (recommended temperature of 80 to 84 degrees) is an excellent way to combat heat during physical activity.
Wear lightweight, light-colored, loose, breathable cotton clothing and wide brimmed hats.
Drink plenty of water. Icy drinks such as slurpees or popsicles can provide temporary relief.
A cool bath or shower can help reduce core body temperature following activity or exposure to heat.
Don't be discouraged by the heat of the summer months. Find the strategies that work best for you, because you can beat the heat!

i think there are many outdoor cooling plans that are feesible, but it is necesarry to be sure to have one