Thursday, June 21, 2007

unforgivable


so i am technically still supposed to do wolf creek, despite what happened with the professor....

only i dont know what comes next...i have no idea how to move forward in this relationship.

am i supposed to just go to the wolf creek night she said she would run for us to meet eachother since the first weekend was cancelled and pretend that nothing happened? can i sit there, knowing i have my own side and feelings, and not sharing it?

i feel like ive been a bad girl and i should just keep my mouth shut (in gestalt, that is called an introjection)...but everything is different now. i am so angry at her for not setting me straight sooner, and from a place of kindness and learning instead of....well i dont know what she was feeling, but i would guess anger, fear, grief, overwhelmed, exasperated.....it kind of feels like a betrayal.....i have trusted her ever since i heard her tell this guy julius that he has less power because he talks so much...i thought she would be real with me like that, and now i dont know what was true and what wasnt

i know i messed up, her mother has just died, and i can now see how inciting the word "crush" was (everyone keeps telling me i must have scared the crap out of her concerning legal stuff as she runs a self-help business) and i think some of the other words also could have been taken in a different way then i meant, and i hate that i pushed because i couldnt sit with ambivilance...

but i was struggling with my own need, still am...i really wish she had just told me what was straight up before i ruined everything (and im sure this is an exaggeration, but it feeld like that right now)...

i sent a little solstice card to her, and for the first time she said nothing back , confusing, as i figured this would be the type of communication she would want in this new world, and not the personal stuff....anyhow, i was not looking for an invite to her solstice, i am not ready to see her, i was just trying to keep things friendly...

i feel so much shame and have so many tears

Song of the day: silence

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