Thursday, June 21, 2007

sadness


i cant believe how sad i am...

i dont know why i am putting this out there, i hate it, knowing that my mother will read this, but i need to be heard, and i dont think i am listening to myself right now

i fought with my therapist yesterday...nothing she said was right (a bad aspect of me) and she said "i dont know how to help you through this, and maybe it will actually be someone else who does"...and i flipped out

she pulled back, and said she was not telling me to go see someone else, but her cousin just kicked me to the curb for needing too much after denying that she wanted me to back off over and over....

but i wonder if its some kind of hint-telling me to move on, you know? (i know thats me...i hope thats me, and not real, but it seems like whats true this moment)

i also think the job loss was a bigger hit then ive been saying. i feel like i have no purpose, im bored, and lonely again, suddenly, all these friends i thought i had, they seem so far away, when in truth i can think of atleast three who would be there for me in a split second

i fear this place

i did stop taking neurontin a few days ago, and it seems like the spasticity has mostly let go though, so i will try and use that as a ray of hope, as pain has been a part of my experience for three months almost non-stop

...i met up with a guy from gestalt for lunch today (i never did get to talking about the most recent weekend, but it was the weekend that led me to the bold place i went with the professor, so i feel not too kindly about it right now).....he asked me "can you just let it be?"

but me, i have to keep trying to fill the space

3 comments:

Sorriah42 said...

I don't understand what you're feeling right now, but if you need to vent, I have an ear. (As you know, since I know I'm one of three - why is it that I'm always one of three?? he he).

I think it's funny that you're telling your therapist "you're not right". Maybe you guys should change places? I'll expand more in person.

Richard said...

Every once in a while I go to cleveland.com blogs, and invariably wind up looking at yours. It is quite special, as I'm sure you know.

If you can get to a place where you can give yourself permission to feel the sadness, it will clear a lot.

I went through most of my life avoiding feeling sadness or any other "negative" feelings. Or I should say, resisting those kinds of feelings.

For completely other reasons, I took this workshop (Avatar), and part of the process was to feel all feelings. Of course this was my least favorite part, as well as the most difficult. Eventually, I had a breakthrough, and now I am able to do it.

One of the things I notice is that I appreciate most of my feelings now, including sadness, which has its own beauty. Yes, I think it would be fair to say that now sadness is a beautiful experience.

This probably sounds kind of crazy, but I hope not. You are close to a breakthrough. You can take the final few steps when you choose.

I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.
Richard

molly said...

thank you richard.....you make absolute sense to me, totally rational....i know there is much to learn in this sadness, loss, anger that is my experience right now....

thank you for taking the time and interest to know my story...and mostly, thank you for letting me know youre out there....
molly

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