Tuesday, June 26, 2007

sea salt in the wound

i got a wolf creek email this morning, about astrology and sending the professor energy....and its like, the minimal amount of hard found healing was all to waste with this naturally occuring irritant to my hurt...i really hope i manage to build some sort of defense that will allow me to fulfill my desire of attending wolf creek without being overwhelmed by my feelings of embarrasment, guilt, loss, anger,hurt and bewilderment that one misunderstood interaction could cause such a big break in a relationship, because i am sobbing again thanks to this email.

ive made it through the "blame it all on the other guy" phase...i feel stifled though...everytime i try to talk about my responsibility in the situation with friends, they point out the professor's poor boundaries, say shes not really as sincere as she'd like the world to think, etc.etc.

well, ok, i would agree she has unclear boundaries, that is true, but theres nothing i can do about that....you know?

as for me, i am realizing that i dont want to take responsibility for myself, that is definitly part of the gestalt here- its a part of the gestalt of my life...i can see how that plays out in many different places...

i realize that i am not willing to let her (or anyone else for that matter) get away with hinting because i deserve to be told to my face....then im told to my face, but it wasnt said in the right way, with no intention of kindness and learning....she did give me hints (or maybe redirection would be a better word than hint), i see that looking back, and im a smart cookie, so i prolly had some idea of it in the moment as well but my stubbornness won out and i became pressureful- its really hard to sit here with the dichotomy of this feeling that the professor did a great disservice to me by not letting me know that i was getting too personal or whatever as time went on (her directness is what i most appreciate about her), and the need for me to take responsibility for myself, for demanding to know what was up, for pushing so much.....

it really is about me, and my inability to take what i am given without demanding something different or more (at least, i can find some sense of control by focusing there

Song of the day: shadow on the wall- band de soleil


Anonymous said...

I read your blog and it almost broke my heart! I am sooo sorry to her about how things have gone
with Jackie. I know how much you were sitting with anxiety and not knowing what the relationship
must all be sticky with Wolf creek and stuff... it gives me a little knot in my stomack so I can
only imagine what its like for you.
Thanks for sharing how you are doing. You pop into my thoughts a lot.
Continued healing my turtle friend!

molly said...

...its all still really raw, but i eeded to be reminded that i have always found this relationship confusing, and she was never clear and this is not all me....smile

Anonymous said...

Oh no, definitly don't take all the stuff on as your own! Let me know if you need to process anything. I'd be happy to listen and muddle things around.

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