private embarrassment, difficult learning

it has been a rough week, learning about myself....

it was started by a misunderstanding with that majickal professor of mine, where my words were taken in a wrong way-im blushing shy around her in person, and this chick says to me while driving me home "there sure was a lot of weirdness when you guys hugged, but i know its hard to not be intimidatred by her" well, im not intimidated by her, and i certainly didnt want her thinking i was intimidated by her so i told her i have this little crush, which in mollys world means that i admire her so intensly i go straight to my head and feel dizzy and shy. i had just learned about a new defense mechanism in gestalt-it actually is a concept i think could work for my shyness-which i feel is real important to get over so as to fully take in what she has to give. but she heard crush and took it as i was hot for her...well, her exact phrase was "romantic feelings", which i took as a classier way of referring to sexual feelings, but its not about sex at all. its about spirit, and admiration....actually its funny, if you think about it, the woman is older than my mother- dont get me wrong, shes very attractive, but...

anyhow, she pretty much told me i wasnt special, not in class or in that early recognition we both had, and that im not a good friend of hers.....also interesting, as i never really considered us friends, let alone good friends...i did try to look at it that way, i didnt know how to know her if i rejected the idea of friends, but when people asked, my general response was "i guess you could call us friends, but i would say we are more strange and undefined"....shes a guide, a teacher...i feel like im supposed to know her, and powerful things will come from it (though i really wish this interaction had changed that for me, then i could just walk away, like i always do).......she told me i was too needy, needed to much time, energy, attention....i know i take alot of energy, i know im needy right now...ive said from the beginning to tell me to back off if i get to be overwhelming(i was hoping for nicely), give me a boundary, and she didnt until this whole crush thing.....

then my mother came to town. i needed help (needy, indeed) i needed help getting my life back together after having been so sick this spring. i was at work while she attacked my closets....i came home to so much storage space i said, "oh, no. now im going to have to fill it!!"

mom said "why is it, molly, that youve always needed (another appropriate use of the word) why have you always needed to fill any empty space you can find?"

very insightful of her, as its true, whether closets or relationships...its part of what happened with the professor...she kind of ignored the word crush, but i had to know where she was...i couldnt sit with my concerned curiosity so i had to push her....i had to fill the space.

gives me alot to think about, thats for sure

Song of the day: i do- edie brickell

"...and im filling in the negative space with positively everything"