Saturday, December 08, 2007

a story for rumblefish


before i interned in the intensive outpatient program (iop), i used to love responding to unwanted emotions that came up in life by saying "get over it"....it was quick, dismissive, and perfect for the things that displeased me or the people around me

in the iop, i had a client, strapped by life, care taker for an aging parent,she would not take anytime for herself, no break, no vacation, no weekly church or bingo game....just her parent day in and day out.

one day during the morning check in, she told us about an opportunity she really wanted to take, but knew she couldnt due to her care-taker position in her family and she started to sob, but angrily choked it back and said "no use in crying. my parent needs me. i gotta get over it"

to this day, i remember how much it hurt to see how unkind she was to herself, and i saw in that moment, how unkind i am to myself when i dismiss my experience with a "get over it"...

that day my new motto became "go through it", and i now do my best to neither hold on to nor dismiss the parts of myself that i am not as happy with, such as my bitterness towards my father, or the strange, sad, disappointment i feel with jackie (she's the majickal professor, and the teacher....)

sometimes the outcome is good, sometimes the mess just gets stickier, but i feel respected in the ways i handle it as i know that i try my best to do what is right for me and those around me, and i try to sit with the polarities when my needs conflict with someone else's (though everyone has a tempertantrum every now and then

there is no need to try and overcome yourself, rumblefish....as you are definitly on a journey toward becoming yourself, a long scary, exciting journey that very few people ever conciously embark on and that is the best any man or woman can hope for.

9 comments:

Sorriah42 said...

Molly - I don't know when you posted this, but please remember the feeling of writing this blog and the emotions you felt after your woman's group tonight.See you Tuesday - then Sunday.....

molly said...

yes, yes, but you got me in the immediate aftermath....morning is here, and just like with every other little disappointment in my life, it fades with every waking......but thank you for directing me to myself

Rumblefish said...

Molly,

I thank you for this beautiful story. And there is so much truth which blazes through each and every word. We must 'go through' every storm that rolls our way. We must 'go through' every every trial, for the fire that burns and that water which cleanses strengthens, purifies, and brings us closer to understanding just who we really are.

In this journey, as I have explored the darkness of my own heart, I have found certain demons that lurk in my spirit. Cruel and hateful things which harm without question, injure without regret, and take without considering or asking. It is these demons that have been so much a part of me as could possibly be that I wish to overcome and utterly destroy.

But I can't help but to desperately thank you for reminding me of the importance of walking through the veils which stand between us and the next stretch of our journey. There have been so many times when I have found myself pondering ways around, or over, the veil. Like these current orders here.

Perhaps it is not a matter of 'getting over it,' but simply 'going through it.' A hope to discover what I can learn, what strength I hold, what potential I can unlock.

Thank you, Molly.

Blessings,
-Michael
(Rumblefish)

molly said...

and in your understanding of my story, i am strengthened in supporting myself...

as hess says, it's all about the conversation

molly said...

oh, and by the way, rumblefish, there is no part of you that goes by without questioning....maybe the questions dont arise until after the actions have been done, but you consider evedrything in time i have noticed

in gestaltr, they sya awareness is the goal, after all....

Michael said...

Molly,

So I have been thinking a lot about what you have said. And as much I like to think that I do "go through" things, the truth is I tend to "get over them."

I do reflect and consider, but also I push down, ignore, pretend to forget so many things because that is what I have been trained to do from the beginning.

I have, in a way, neglected my journey. I could offer excuses as to why, but truth be told, they are all just that...excuses.

I have in response issued myself a challenge in honor of you and Jeff, and the many others who have in one way or another continued to push me onward when all I wanted to do was just sit still:

Mending Wings with Faith and String

Thank you, Molly. I needed the push.

Blessings,

Michael

Michael said...

P.S.

I couldn't seem to get that link to work. The URL is www.faithandstring.com

Blessings,

Michael

molly said...

you know, i read what you wrote while i was at work today, and i had a lot of thoughts...but what sits with me right now in front of the keyboard is a certain reality to "making excuses" in life, and how to keep from doing it, and i find myself doing it alot- making excuses- at this point, but i wonder about WHY i make excuses, though it hurts and i do an awful lot of beating up on self when i do look at why- the hardest part being that the attention doesnt bring about immediate change, but there is knowledge even to be learned in the excuse- what are you saying, what are you avoiding-, and i know that sometimes our processing of new knowledge takes longer then we'd like.....but it doesnt mean your neglectful on the journey....

smile, youre just travelling along imprefectly like all the rest of us (and i change my mind, as knowing im not perfect is the hardest part for me after all, and not the lack of instant gratification)

molly said...
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