The National- Sorrow

this is exactly hosw i feel...embracing sorrow

..dont leave my hyper heart alone
on the water
cover me in rags and bones and sympathy
cause i dont want to get over you

sorrow waited, sorrow won

dad, pregnant (with me) mom and cousin aimee


i have things to say again, things i want to be witnessed but unsure whom to say them to...

my dad died this january...it was always a difficult relationship...no it wasnt difficult when i was under three, from the pictures i can tell we enjoyed and loved eachother...

but when i was three he left my mother for the first time,and after accidentally being exposed to nova's 'the miracle of life' after sesame street one morning lounging on a yellow chair with my bankie in hand, sitting there trying to process what i was learning about how i came to be (so very different then the books i'd read at the library) and at this moment...

at that moment, my mother decided to tell me that my dad was sterile and that my father was an anonymous sperm donor, but that i was born out of love

but my father didnt want me to know, hadnt told his family and this move on my mothers part forced him to make it public knowledge

i mean, he didnt really have a choice, cause i was running up to everyone-perfect strangers at the bus stop even- and saying to them...

"my mommy was artificially inseminated!!"

i came across a blog by a woman whose profile begins with the line "i am the daughter of an anonymous sperm donor"....

but me, i am the daughter of a man born in a displaced persons camp whose best wasnt as much as i needed and who happened to have a very low sperm count...and even if he was also my biological father, i'd still have very little knowledge of my genetics as the war wiped out the majority of his family and the rest of them...

well they dadn't talk about the past at all

Song of the day: sorrow-the national

reconnecting with self

good morning to all, if there is anyone at all who still pops in every now and then to say good morning

i am full of energy today...i had a ceu with jackie last friday, and it was wonderful to be back in a classroom with her...she does support the best environment for me...i can spread out in the field and allow myself to fill the room without drowning others out

this belongs here, on after enlightenment, because it is she that inspired me to start this blog, and it was something i stopped enjoying after we had a break in our connection...but have realized since that break that i can find that same inspirational feeling inside of myself without her...it just is made ten times more powerful in her presence (so interested in the energetioc aspect of things now a days)

....anyhow, i want to share the experience...and i will, but nmot right now, i have to go to target, but hopefully i will post agaion this afternoon

Song of the day: what i am- edie brickell

Song of the day:

gestalt/energy playwork assignment

"stands alone"
"downward dog"
"soldiers, 1776"
"eye contact"

Song of the day: buckets of rain - bob dylan

thinking of bear boy

remembering him brings feelings of trust, and also awareness of how much more life can offer me
and this song fits right now



There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible Giants
in the sky!

When you're way up high
And you look below
At the world you left
And the things you know,
Little more than a glance
Is enough to show
You just how small you are.

When you're way up high
And you're own your own
In a world like none
That you've ever known,
Where the sky is lead
And the earth is stone,

You're free, to do
Whatever pleases you,
Exploring things you'd never dare
'Cause you don't care,
When suddenly there's

A big tall terrible Giant at the door,
A big tall terrible lady Giant
sweeping the floor.
And she gives you food
And she gives you rest
And she draws you close
To her Giant breast,
And you know things now
that you never knew before,
Not till the sky.

Only just when you've made
A friend and all,
And you know she's big
But you don't feel small,
Someone bigger than her
Comes along the hall
To swallow you for lunch.

And your heart is lead
And your stomach stone
And you're really scared
Being all alone...

And it's then that you miss
All the things you've known
And the world you've left
And the little you own-

The fun is done.
You steal what you can and run.
And you scramble down
And you look below,
And the world you know
Begins to grow:

The roof, the house, and your Mother at the door.
The roof, the house and the world you never thought to explore.
And you think of all of the things you've seen,
And you wish that you could live in between,
And you're back again,
Only different than before,
After the sky.

There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible awesome scary wonderful
Giants in the sky!

Song of the day: giants in the sky- sondheim/lapine
much gratitude, bear boy

loofa love

love

so my friends mom had a hanukkah party last week and she gave out loofa gloves to everyonw and before i could get my pair into the shower, kitten discovered and fell in love with said gloves

so now, one glove made it to the shower and the other lives in kitty love
Song of the day: stray cat strut- the stray cats

as is- ani difranco

i know, i know, i have been very quiet, but i just find life moving faster and faster, and i just never seem to be able to blog when i want to....

life is good, good dreams last night, and this was in it


Song of the day: as is- ani difranco
thank you, daniel, for this song
you have no idea how much it meant to me

ओत much

so i started another gestalt program yesterday, working with physical process, and was feeling quite anxious, so i stopped up at the lake before i went, and the blue heron was hanging out on a little stone pyre by the bridge. i started taking pictures of him, but then saw the albino duck, and went to take a shot, when Heron flew off the pyre, and settled right in front of the duck, then i met logan at dinner (i didnt know who he was at first, but we had fun coloring together, then his dad, one of the kitchen workers at the restaurant came over, and told us he had a two day old baby sister, and they were off to see her


Song of the day: circle-edie brickell

allen raymond on bill mahr

its time to stop thinking that if the truth sounds more like a movie, so much so that we try and convince ourselves that there is no way it could be true and remember that movies are nothing but a mirror of real life

protect our vote!!
1.offer a ride to the polls for someone,
2. remind ten friends for ten days of when we vote
3. wear your "i voted" sticker
4.take ten minutes to learn a little about the history of voter suppression


Song of the day

falling-alison moyet

so lets talk about projection, understanding i was never in love with you, just professionally blown away....its true, in some ways, you and me, we are one of a kind, i did find, and being around you, finding such gratification in experiencing you (to this day), i get that what i see in you is what i hide in me.....but truthfully, it's been anything but peaceful (ofcourse, who ever said i liked peace...)

Song of the day:falling- alison moyet

autumn stroll

mum sent me two pair of ugg boots for my birthday this week, so i decided to start getting her moneys worth right away and headed out to the lake

first thing i see this albino looking duck, or its truly the ugly duckling
and then heron crossed my path
the colors arent very impressive this year, but the white duck kept showing up where i was...it was a good walk


Song of the day: woof!- snoop dog

in silence

i have done alot of moving, shifting, changing....
though i miss coming here, finding time to write
at this point in my life, i am more interested in listening than speaking
so much to learn, and only my interest in being taught to give...
this will shift, i am aware
and it exists not in all places (like with interns- there, it is my responsibility to help teach, even as i learn from the full time worker, their supervisor)

how easily done it is, to close self, be dispassionate-
find compassion for the plentitude of truths,
expereiences...from the latin root passeo, to suffer, experience, so feel passion is to suffer,
experience-

thats it for the morning




Song of the day:

workshop: brooke medicine eagle 9/08

September 12-14, 2008 in cleveland ohio...for more information, contact jackie stevenson

Song of the day: path of beauty- brooke medicine eagle

urge for going- joni mitchell

noticed how late the sun is rising this weekend, and this song has been in my head ever since...


Song of the day:urge for going- joni mitchell

old friends and horses

dreamt of this song last night, with these folks singing it...michelle and i had a friendship once upon a time, she'd open for the indigo girls and get me and missy wright backstage passes, take us "grocery shopping" in the dressing rooms after the girls left the arena (artpark
'96 was the bestest, and those chicks ate WELL!!)

anyhow, have horses on the mind, considering a cowgirl weekend, floating back and forth, and now a friend is also interested, but im not as drawn to the whole day as id like in order to spend that kind of money...but it was good to dream of this song, woke up light hearted and full of what is good in me...

not to change the subject at all, and its not really changing anything, considering the full picture, which most of you dont know, but ive been doing some "shadow work" recently, and discovering that its not the darkness i have trouble embracing, its actually something that ive heard is called thge "light shadow", and i do, i have discomfort admiring others, and realizing that what i admire, i have the potential to hold in me...and somehow, this morning, with this song, with this musical dream, everything seems all right, even struggling with this projective dynamic

Song of the day: wild horses- indigo girls w/michelle malone (but we all know its really a 'stones song)

work keys!!!

after four full years as a member of the M........t hospital staff, they have finally given me my own set of keys...one to the social work office and the "P3" key, which opens all the doors on the inpatient psychiatric uit.

i left my other job about two months ago. i didnt love the job- i was a very underpaid secretary/errand girl/driver/editor- and when my new supervisor at the hospital approached me and asked me to take on more hours, i gave my notice to my other boss...i think there was some question in my social system as to why i did this, i was told that "you cant just leave jobs because you dont like them", but the reason i left was to go from 15-20 hours a week to 25-35 at the hospital each week,depending on need....i love being a psychiatric social worker...and besides, it pays 2 and 1/2 what the secretary job did...who wouldnt make the choice i made?

anyhow, having keys, i believe that i am an important employee, wanted, and that i am slowly learning all the intricacies of working with both chronic mental illness and dementia...

Song of the day: she works hard for her money- donna summers

changing habits

sometimes it frightens me how easy it can be for me to find a comfortable (though not normally desirable) place to be in my life, and how much difficulty i have finding motivation for change....however, two weeks ago i became motivated to change my comfortable but harmful habits.

for two weeks now, i have been starting my day with a walk, going out of the way to walk to the coffee shop, i walk a little over a half mile just to get my morning wake up.

i have started eating breakfast everyday....while i cant say eating at home is saving me any money at this point, i can say that when i eat breakfast, i am not as hungry in the evenings and the likelyhood of a 10 pm binge drops by about 60%

ie been doing yoga daily again, just 25 minutes, but find i am more centeres through the whole day for it

and finally, i have been using a site called the daily plate, and can see what it is i am eating....i realize that i eat way too much protien, but that i never seem to reach daily cholestoral requirements....go figure that

i like paying attention to myself in these ways, and am glad i found a little motivation for it...

dreaming

it will be hard to capture this, as major points were lost upon waking, but it feels important to try

for some reason, i need to go to andy's house, and i am going to walk, but my shoes had been taken. i decide to walk anyhow, its a short walk, and i get there, and rosanna is there, and my mother is there, and there is another strange woman, lets call her X (as she was never named).

X is the mother of another woman involved in the dream, though i never see her, i know X has done great harm to her and i distrust her. X's husband is there as well, and it turns out he owns a boat

then we are on the boat, which is huge and it is for some kind of conference. we are supposed to meet up for a lecture at a certain time (i think it was 9) but i was being me, and wanting to do something else, and just as i was going to go off to do whatever, a woman sees me and goes "id you forget about the gathering time?" which i had, and i get onto an elevator with this woman, who spends the entire ride up praising X...

the elevator ride was in and of itself scary, it was a glass elevator, and very snug, and this woman and i sat on the railings as the elevator stopped at every floor, letting others on and off, but finally we reach the top deckwhere people are swimming ina pool

anyhow, lots has been lost in this retelling, but it was a very vivid dream

considering general clark

from yahoo news:

Gen. Clark won't back off critique of McCain
By DAVID ESPO, AP Special Correspondent

WASHINGTON - Retired Gen. Wesley Clark rejected suggestions he apologize Tuesday for saying John McCain's medal-winning military service does not qualify him for the White House. Elaborating, Clark said a president must have judgment, not merely courage and character......Despite criticism from Republicans, Clark declined to back down in an interview Tuesday morning with ABC. "The experience that he had as a fighter pilot isn't the same as having been at the highest levels of the military and having to make ... life or death decisions about national, strategic issues," he said.

Asked whether he felt he owed McCain an apology, Clark responded, "I'm very sorry that this has distracted from the message of patriotism that Sen. Obama wants to put out."

good for both of these men

this is america, and we are voting for one of the most important positions in the world. nothing in what general clark said, i feel, was inappropriate, or questioning on the goodness of mccain as a person, or importance and deserved respect as a soldier

but if we cant start looking at different ideas, and considering what we really want in a president- which for me is the ability to think, go with or against the grain of the people based on deep reflection and critical thinking, as well as courage and goodness- than we are doomed to sink lower and lower in the status of the world

Song of the day: