Friday, December 08, 2006

weakness vs. numbness: the things i dont want to talk about

something that came up in my discussion with the mellen center nurse yesterday that i really didnt want to talk about was the introduction of the word "weakness". i addressed my concern about my ankles only in terms of numbness, but jennifer said (more then once) that while i have no history of weakness of the feet, its good that i am watching for changes

its amazing the way we can push things out of conciousness (well, atleast until i dream about it, which i did last night). at this point in the course of my illness, the biggest block i come up against is my not wanting to have to change the way i do things in order to meet the needs of my condition and bringing the word weakness into the conversation changes things. physical therapy can address weakness, not numbness...only things like neurontin can address sensation, but i would never remember to take a pill every four or six hours...not to mention im not quite sure how a malaria drug can reduce sensation occurances in a neurological disorder.

anyhow, i mentioned my little tumble at jackies in the last post about ms, and its true, i did fall while standing completely still, and while i did not hurt myself in that instance (i think i just was on ice and slipped) jackie brought up the idea of independence, and ive been thinking about the way i push support away (and i do), and i think that if there really is something wrong with my feet (weakness or sensation wise) that i will have to make a change, and learn that support from others can strengthen every one involved, and that dependence does not always have to be the only other option besides independence

Song of the day: wild women do- natalie cole


Jeff Hess said...

Shalom Molly,

Growing up as the eldest in a family where my parents separated when I was six, I went through a period where I had everything given to me as a substitute. Then I rebelled from that and didn't want to accept anything from anyone; if I couldn't get it myself, I didn't want it.

It wasn't until I was in my mid 40s that I learned to accept assistance with some grace. And it's still something I struggle with.



molly said...

you so totally get it...thank you.

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