Tuesday, December 19, 2006

closure; always the hardest part


when i was a child, a camper to be exact, i remember dreaming and dreading over that very last night of the summer get-a-way, when the cabins appeared half empty and suitcases stacked the cubicle spaces where hours before had been clothes and toiletries and cardboard travelling drawers. we would all meet in the chadar (dining hall), from eight year-olds all the way up to old "mean jean" the nursing queen who had us gargle with saltwater for any ailment you can think of (it never did do much for a sprained ankle or bug bite).

we would sit in front of big, wax covered logs with holes drilled into it periodically and shaped into "C W" (for camp wise) and a candle would be placed in each hole to represent each cabin. hours would pass, filled with laughter, and music and finally tears ('bless this house' always made me cry- this link is to a different camp as it is the only copy i could find), and i remember the evening wouldnt end until after midnight...its the only true experience of closure (as in a successful completion of the gestalt cycle) i think i ever had..

this sunday, i didnt think i would care, i thought i would be relieved to be free from the overwhelming experience of a gestalt weekend. i was wrong

the weekends end with a kind of 'check out' circle, where everyone shares a departing thought...the chair of the program spoke last and she said unto us "i am aware that the bowl is full, filled with the uncontrollable laughter, growth, connection, with our tears...", and i felt one fat wet drop roll down each cheek, hopefully wiping them away before anyone saw.... another experience of closure, one that will occur every two months, and i think i am somewhat afraid of that, as i dont know how to share what i feel in that open a space.


Song of the day: bless this house- no idea and not the christian song

10 comments:

Sorriah42 said...

I think closure of any kind is difficult. Closure also means change and change is scary. It means that you won't see people in the same manner again (both physically and emotionally).

Were you at Camp when Jared Wool was there with his crying. The counselors made fun of it, but we also loved it so much.

molly said...

i think for me, that type of closure is more about the fear of loss, but also change, as loss IS change.....as for jared, i think i remember, i was in eighth or ninth grade (as you were on staff, but i was older) and he was a year younger? but i didnt know his last name was wool... and i keep seeing jared rothkopf in my head when i try and remember it

Jeff Hess said...

Shalom Molly,

I much prefer to put distance between myself and the past rather than closing doors and burning bridges. That way if the past ever really wants to catch up with me it can, on my terms.

B'shalom,

Jeff

molly said...

hmmm, i hadnt thought about closure in terms of burning bridges etc., but more in the sense of being able to be intimate with people who i am about to leave, who are leaving me...i want to give the idea some thought as it definitly has a place in this conversation

melissa said...

Your words touch me. You write them well.
I am feeling happy and curious as we get to know one another over the next months together.

molly said...

thank you melissa,
do you mind if i add your words (anonymously ofcourse) to the comment section of my post?
i look forward to getting to know you better as well
joyfully

melissa said...

I've now gone back and looked at other entries from the weekend. Wow, your pensive, thoughtful musings capture several of my "learning points" too. Thank you for sharing ~ and for letting me share.
You can use my words - with or without my name...
M

PS I had this "clever" idea that I was going to start this message to you in email and finish it on your site...but then thought, sheesh - how would I even go about it?? Have a good week.

molly said...

i love how you are open to being creative and playing with me on the different mediums we can use to communicate with eachother- do what you feel is best for you and feel free to experiment in different ways to go about it

Jeff Hess said...

Shalom Molly,

One of the best lessons I ever got on closure was BJ's decision in the final episode of M*A*S*H.

I think he got it right.

B'shalom,

Jeff

molly said...

um, jeff, i was like ten when the RERUNS of mash went off the air, so i have no idea of that which you are referring to

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