conversations in the dark

on saturday afternoon, we had our first vision quest...looking at the schedule for the weekend, i thought, well that will be my chance to have a moment with the professor....ill just take 20 minutes at the beginning and have it out with her, find out what is real, because i dont believe either of us were rational at the time, and i thought, maybe she will be upfront in person more so than email

it did not turn out that way, as the vision quest was to be done in silence....and i will tell you more about that at another time

anyhow, saturday night, i found opportunity to talk with her, in the dark, which worked much better for me....there is something about the dark that lowers the intensity for me.

ive been doing alot of work aroun energy, and am learning that i often become overwhelmed by energy, like i have no way to protect myself from an overload, a surge...it was going out to camp wise that showed me that...there i was with oneof my closest friends, in a place that was full of love and comfort for me, and still i was so overwhelmed by the energy- the love, the excitement, the reconnecting, the sounds the smells, that it took me well over twenty minutes to acclimate to this high energy and become an active part of the shabbat celebration.

anyhow, so i found an opportunity, walking the half mile up to the outhouses from the camp site (there was a little tent with a whole right at the site, but i suck at squatting and whats a half mile anyhow), she was heading back down on her own, so i abandoned my co-walkers, who called after me "molly?! where are you going?! what are you doing?! hey! molly?!" and caught up with her

and i told her i wanted to talk about what happened and she was confused at first, thought i wanted to address something that had happened that weekend, but i caught her up to where i was, and in the dark, we had our first real conversation....where i wasnt overwhelmed and we were able to complete a topic in real time, not seperated across emails.

so there we were, and we sat with the misunderstandings, not just the confusion over romantic feelings....and we did not agree on everything, she says everything she said was rational, her truth in the moment (and i believe it was the moments truth, but i still dont think it is rational), and i csan still feel that she didnt tell me her truth, but instead told me about myself (and it has alot to do tith her not using "i" ststements and instead saying "you" are needy "you arent special)...

somethings were surprising to me as well as to her. i told her about my disappointment when i found out she wasnt gouing to be teaching my gestalt...she was surprised by that, and told me how she cant imagine tat she has anything else to teach me, i am so competent, which surprised me, because i see these huge holes (wholes) in who i am that will cause great problems in my work

one theme over the weekend was that something must be knowcked down (a structure, a relationship) in order for something new to grow up, and os we make a fragile attempt at starting over, from our ashes