gestalt I: mourning truth

i guess i entered the room with expectations, or i hadnt fully integrated certain truths, but the first night after the workshop, i needed to mourn little losses of apparently still existant realities that i must not have wanted to accept

first truth- jackie will not be on my faculty. ive known that since the end of july, but there was the reallity that she was not in the room, and in some ways that is really good- i already have a set pattern with her and this will give me opportunity to be different in learning- but mostly im sad that our magic wont be a part of this, the feeling of my breath caught in my throat and yet filled with oxygen, heddy, and animated. not only was my connection to her immediate, it was a part of my history before knowing her.

second truth- no dr. phil either. i didnt have opportunity to know him that well, but he settled into me quickly, his style almost as magical for me as jackie's. he knew what to say to juxtapose my fixed reality, without hurting.... it was almost instantatnious when i walked into the room, and i was glad he was watching me, and over listening on certain conversations i had that weekend.

third truth- and the hardest of all is the absence of my friend kirsti. she is not with me on this journey for a wonderful reason...shes pregnant. i know she has her own sadness and ambivilance about loosing the opportunity to do this for another dream, and she will have chance in the future, but the one thing that is not replacable would be the chance for the two of us to do this together. just as with jackie, this has some very positive attributes as we would cling together like white on rice if she were there, but it would also give us a lifetime experience to share....maybe far down the road we will again, maybe she will do her initial training a year or two in the future and we will do advanced programs together, but its still a little loss.

Song of the day: fire and rain- james taylor