visiting the kiddies

i love visiting my niece and nephews, though not related to me by blood, their mother and i have herstory that excedes many blood connections

jason is the oldest, he's twelve. he likes to skate board and play guitar, his mother's guitar, the guitar i bought her many moons ago. he also likes to say he hates his mom when ever she says no or tells him to go clean something... thank god thats a phase we only have to live through once....well, except for any therapy regressions one might experience.

Jacob is a matter of days away from eight. he loves video games and plays soccer quite well. Jacob, as an aries, has a wacky temper, and often self-sabotages, ruining his belongings or loses opportunities due to his attitude. he is also very loveing and exceptionally shy. when he was little, he would make disappearing glasses by making his hands into O shapes in front of his eyes, and he would burst into tears if he thought you could see him

Sammy, sammy is six and as big as his brother. he is rough and tumble and highly sensitive. he likes to hug and tease, but often bullies other kids. his dad makes him play soccer with Jacob even though he doesnt like it, so he purposely lost his soccer shirt on saturday. he had a cold while i was visiting

Ginny is four, and the sweetest little thing i've ever known and mad about anything princess. as a baby, she disliked almost everyone besides her parents...and me. we immediatly bonded the first time i met her infant self. she also had a cold last weekend, and fell asleep curled up in my arm friday night.

and so it is no wonder, then, that i again am sick with a cold and i actually am working both days this weekend. i thinbk i better just take it easy this week....i mean, i even have a temperature of 100.2

2000 Milligrams of Solumedrol

I have another thouseand to go.
Three days, an I.V. drip,
dripping steroids- the eye muscles
twitch with anticipation.

Yesterday, the needle
It isn't a needle dear, it's a catheter
Yesterday, the catheter felt wrong wrong.
I said, Harriet
I'm Madeline dear
I said 'Madeline, my arm hurts, aches' so she slowed the drip down.
You're such a slow drip, a dragger
Why can't you handle you're sauce
I apologized, closed my eyes. The friend who drove me,
she wanted to play rummy, she said she was bored.
I hate rummy so I told Madeline to speed the drip up again.

Today it was a little easier.
Madeline pierced me
I'm Harriet dear, Madeline has the day off
Harriet pierced me at the elbow, my hand
bruised over the night so she couldn't go there
How's the copper taste, would you like some candy?
Harriet had chocolates in her pocket to counter
that metallic steroid taste, like sucking on a penny.
There was no ache, no fear this time,
and I think I like Harriet better
but I am still blind despite it.

...the last thousand milligrams were the hardest.
They had to poke me three times, Harriet and Madeline
together, searching for a vein with access.
The doctor came in, said Don't be nervous,
it usually takes a week to kick in. Ofcourse,
it might not come back at all.
Your vision I mean.
I told her she wasn't funny
But I am serious
I know, I know, I reply- but me,
I am only twenty-four, and that's young.
Certainly too young for this to be my permanant reality
and I refuse to believe it.

Nice

---"You're so nice.
You're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice.
I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just right,
I'm the witch, you're the world."
- James Lapine, from ' Into the Woods'


You stopped wearing my favorite outfit
I noticed.
You say, "I thought it was too seductive,
I thought I was being nice."
I sneer and wring my hands anxiously,
feeling silly and sad.

I talk about my discomfort.
I wiggle in my seat, wishing
I'd worn my oversized overalls,
hidden my body from you. Always
hiding, it's what I do and you say,
"But you wanted to take me dancing!
I thought I was being nice!"
I look out the window and pretend
I am the red-breasted pelican,
or maybe a man.

For Danny, In Explanation

Beautiful is the word I use to describe her,
though it is a terrible beauty,
romantic in a way I don't understand and colder
then my own frigid being, as she stands slumped
over in the corner hiding from me.
She thinks I cannot see her, that I am innocent,
unaware of the little glances thrown my way
but I know and I see her grace.
Her fingers tap, tap, tapping against the dark
wood make me smile. They are spidery in their movement
pulling sharply away from the table as if it were a fragile
antique before swooping back to again caress
the warm surface. Sometimes,
I wish she'd touch me that way.
She smiles back at me, a silly
Charlie Brown grin. You'd think I'd said
something clever from the look in her eye
and pretty clefts appear in her moon cheeks when i look
up to the sky. I laugh to break the moment,
I know these moments all too well, they frighten me
and when she changes the subject to help me
relax, I love her more then I did the minute
before, and I hand her the joint we are smoking on
and give her one of those pouts of mine and laugh again
as I turn to bask in celebration around us.
She disappears then, off to sleep in my bed I guess and I falter.
Two thousand miles she travelled just to be with me, to have me
lay down beside her and tell our secrets in the dark,
but the comfort I could receive from her is too real.
Instead, I drink a beer with my most talkative guest,
a creepy guy with a definite obsession with death, how fun,
and i can only crawl off to bed when I need to pass out
and hope she isn't angry with me
in the morning.

Otherwise- Jane Kenyon

I got out of bed
on two strong legs.
It might have been
otherwise. I ate
cereal, sweet
milk,ripe, flawless
peach, It might
have been otherwise.
I took the dog uphill
to the birch wood.
All morning I did
the work I love.

At noon I lay down
with my mate. It might
have been otherwise.
We ate dinner together
at a table with silver
candlesticks. It might
have been otherwise.
I slept in a bed
in a room with paintings
on the walls, and
planned another day
just like this day.
But one day, I know,
it will be otherwise.

a year later

This morning i woke and played with the cat,
with his green fluff and jingle
bells on the end of a stick
he'd dragged to the bedroom,
his sole purpose to arouse me.

I used to play with the dog this way
(a lick to my nose the signal),
used to tease her up on the bed
and we'd have a morning-glory love fest.
She always rolled orangely over for me,
i'd rub her belly and her tongue would hang
purple on the patchwork quilt.

I had to push the cat away and stand up,
it was time to take a shower anyhow.

since i have nothing to say

and i really dont, i will just give you some poetry.

my overwhelm

house guests and travelling both throw me very off schedule. genise left back for london yesterday, i have a 7:30 am flight to georgia tomorrow and my house is wrecked so i guess i know what i will be doing today...

then when i get back it is time to start looking for a job... yes, thats right, i have not worked in one and a half weeks now and way overspent while genise was here and still have presents to buy for four wonderful children (this is a moment where i will have to give in and go to target).

when i get back to town, though, i am sure there will be plenty to talk about. by then, bush's announcement that troop withdrawl can be the next guy's problem will have sunk into the american unconcious i am sure....



Song of the day: well, some enya song is on the coffeee shop stereo and she is hard to ignore

house guests

i had a friend in from london this weekend .....more later

GET YOUR LEGISLATIVE HANDS OFF MY BODY

talking to this older woman i know, she says to me "i think the reason more people your age arent angry about south dakota's abortion ban is because you don't remember what it was like not to have reproductive rights".

and she is right. i grew up in a world where my right to make well informed decisions about all aspects of my sexuality and sexual health were a given. now i am thinking about these rights, as if (gasp) they could actually be taken away... oh wait, they can be!!

i wonder about this new "culture of life", and how just existing again became more important then having a certain level of satisfaction.

i began looking up the individual representatives that voted yeah on the issue. i am interested in how many children they all have because we know that a lower birthrate signifies a trend of being financially better off, and often law makers will have two children or less- likely meaning some form of protection... and i bet especially the women who voted yes on this issue practice some sort of birth control. i wonder if this was racially motivated as well, seeing as it is the white birth rate that has been lowered the most (can't you hear them thinking 'damn all those people of color')

finally, the human population has nearly tripled in the past 55 years. in the 1950 census,the global population was about 2.5 billion (http://www.census.gov/ipc/www/worldpop.html) in 1970 (www.ibiblio.org/lunarbin/worldpop/index.html)the global population was 3 billion, 912 million and some to spare, currently the global populaiton is 6 billion 601 million people, and we are running out of space and natural resources (and no matter what anyone says, we know for sure that the oil is running low and the weather patterns are signifying global warming). i think it is important to note that the growth rate in the fifty years preceding this (1900-1950)the poulation did not quite even double, and that the growth rate before even that was even less drastic....

and the right wing still thinks that we need to stop doling out birth control and is against allowing women the right to make the decision if they can emotionally, physically and financial have a child due to this culture of life.

having a family is about more then just god and love within marriage. sex has no bounds, any @#&Y% can be a "parent", but if we are not more contemplative on how an abortion ban (and add a lack of access to information and protection methods...walmart, its a good thing your changing that policy of yours) will affect the women and families of our country, society will be left with children who have no one to care for them and women who are maimed or dead due to extreme measures to not bring a pregnancy to frution.

embracing who you are

one thing about spring, it causes me to be active again. i spent monday outside in the warm rain, not minding the dampness at all

so then comes tuesday, too cold for me to play outside (it's just my personal preference)but entirely antsy so i went to bally's and walked on the tread mill.

i don't tend to think about my appearance at the gym, and i went in my street clothes, walking the machine in my overalls, no make-up, just comfortable.

in the row in front of me, i noticed a woman i had gone to school with when ever i was living in cleveland (we moved around alot), from grade school up. it's hard to believe it is the same person.

i still felt somewhat jealous of her tiny figure (but i can't shrink myself down seven inches, and i will never be what you could call fragile) but i felt this profound pitty for her.

her hair had been straightened, which even i have done, but curls wash in or grow out. it was her face. she had more then one surgery. her jewish nose replaced with a snub, her chin built up...she had not been an unattractive girl either, just very jewish looking.

there is so much pressure to be perfect. we talk about the self-esteem of girls while at the same time providing plastic role models. i mean, even lindsay lohan got to thin.

acknowledging my herstory

i don't think i realized how much healing i still needed from my diagnosis.

i started off this project to help myself stay active through these memories. it is my habit to shut down in late february, cut classes, call off work, ditch friends and dates. i like to say that i am just storing up for spring, but in reality i am overwhelmed with flashes of the story i just told. i am very aware i have ms. the logic was that if i wrote it, i might very well be able to contain my difficult feelings in the story.

by the middle i was embarrased that i was laying out my personal crap...but that is also the point in the story where my humor goes down and things start to feel real serious (as it was).

thanks for staying with me through this... i had an active productive week that i enjoyed.

Song of the day: rural faggot- amy ray
....... it just wants to stick tightly right now.

diagnosis part VI: march eleventh, nineteen-ninety seven

i never knew if i was actually clausterphobic or just afraid my extra weight would get me stuck, but i answered yes when the neurologist asked if i was affraid of small spaces. this answer was rewarded with a tiny little pill- an ativan.

when i get nervous, i feel like an insect. i imagine that my non-stop speedy chatter must sound like a high pitched humming. i just don't shut up. my mom says watching the ativan take effect was similar to turning the tv off, one second, an entire show is taking place and then nothing. i dont remember feeling any different after then before. the rest of the office however, was probably quite pleased with this sudden silence.

i don't really remember much about the mri. it was a tight tube. it was loud. the ativan had me making up little stories about being stuck in a jeffries tube on deck 25 of the uss starship enterprise (ncc-1701-d). it was alot easier then the spinal tap.

i was pretty fed up with the process of getting diagnosed by this point.

***************************************************************************************************************************

finally, finally-finally dr. kinsella tells me i have ms. he tells me the spinal tap was normal, he tells me the mri showed classic signs of ms (i was kinda fuming inside that they didnt bother to do the mri before the lumbar puncture), he gives me the name of neurologists at the dekalb medical center on north decatur road, which was really close to the house i rented.

and that was it. sitting here, writing this, i once again have that saying in my head "before enlightenment, i chopped wood and carried water. after enlightenment, i chopped wood and carried water". nothing was different . while in the long run, getting diagnosed greatly altered my entire life, it would first take a couple more years of my wayward days and a very unpleasant night in jail to get to that point...but thats a story for another night.

diagnosis part V: march tenth, nineteen-ninety seven

if you ask my mom about my spinal tap, she will tell you about our humor in the waiting room, and her attempts to keep things as upbeat as possible (surprising for someone who avoids disappointment by expecting the worst, a trait i seem to have inhereted).

me, i remember the body, laying on its left side, torso straight and knees bent, as if a straight back chair was holding it in place. i remember feeling fearful, being so bad at sitting still, knowing there was this needle protruding from my back, sucking out my spinal fluid (hoping mom didnt ask them to check for any illicit substances while they were at it), i remember a tingly numb sensation that began early in that spread through my lower half and the nurse trying to relax me, telling me that once the needle was out, i would be fine. i remember it feeling like an eternity, but i think it was only 5 to 10 minutes in real time.

i remember having to lay still for another twenty minutes once the procedure was over. mom sat with me, i think the nurse explained that if i moved before a little healing could happen my spinal fluid could leak out (or maybe that was just my fear, i dont know, maybe it was more about the dizziness i felt after)

diagnosis part IV: march ninth, nineteen-ninety seven

nothing happened on sunday.
i suppose this is a blessing
everyone needs a day of rest.

....things can happen when nothing is happening though, if you know what i mean. mom told me in the early afternoon i was going to have to have a spinal tap. i have no idea who told her this, or when she set up the appointment, but it sure was set for the very next day

and i started to cry, i cried and i screamed and i paced around the house, i think i even threw a thing or two. nothing could console me, i was scared out of my mind. a spinal tap!!!!!! are you kidding me!

the only place i had really ever heard of a spinal tap before was in those cheesy pre-teen cancer books you buy at the elementary school book fairs, you know, the ones where the popular sixteen year old homecoming queen gets leukemia, loses her boyfriend, loses her hair, and has a multitude of long, thick needles stuck into her bones.

my uncle david called in the middle of this freak out. he could hear me in the background and asked my mother what was wrong. she told him i was having a spinal tap and was scared of the pain. he inquired if i knew i would get novacaine.

mom asks me, did you know you'd get novacaine and my tears stopped immediatly. no i didnt know i would get novacaine, but i sure was glad to be informed of such. novacaine is just not that big of a deal.

dianosis part III: march eighth, nineteen-ninety seven

i dont know how the subject came up, maybe the er nurse had tuned her gay-dar into me, but this sweet, perky and very obviously homosexual (as my mother said to me later) rn began listing all her favorite lesbi-bands in between taking my temperature and weight (damn any scale that tells me i weigh over 200...glad that hasnt happened in over seven years now). anyhow, all her favorite lesbi-bands, melissa etheridge, odd girl out, melissa ferrick, tribe-8, kristen hersch (who is not gay but much beloved by those who are...and now that i think about it, i dont think mellisa ferrick is either), disappear fear, indigo girls...

"you like the indigo girls!!" my mom blurts out "really, you know, this kid here knows them" she adds with pride throwing her arm around my shoulder. i blushed, embarrassed, thinking about that time i came to town for a concert and my friend shanna told every cute girl that i knew the girls so they would talk to her.

"mom, really" i said. "i dont know them really"
"yes you do" she said
"that is sooooo cool" the er nurse said "how do you know them" she was pumping away on the sphygoptemeter or whatever it is that the thing that takes your blood pressure is called.
"i used to be a gohead" i said "you know, kinda like a deadhead, only i followed the indigo girls so i was called a gohead. a friend of mine opens for them alot" i could hear the bragging and i wanted to pull back, but this really was a nice distraction from thinking about brain failures, and sometimes it's nice to feel special like i did at the moment
"yeah, who's your friend" that cute little nurse asked as she set up the chart for the doctor.
"michelle malone"
"EEEEEEEEK i love her!" cute nurse shrieked. i realized that she had run out of chores to complete, but wanted to stay
"molly has known her for years, she had a roommate who worked with her" bragged my mom. it was true, i had known her for years, i met her in akron when i was 17, long before missy worked with her, but i did not correct her, she was just trying to lighten the mood for me.

so hours wasted, sitting waiting, chatting with the cute nurse, seeing another opthamologist, going to another area with a different nurse, they send me for a CT scan....finally, they have me see the neurologist...no, scratch that, the neurology intern.

the neurology intern was a tall, thin black man with bottle-lensed glasses and a great sense of humor. my first experience with a neurology exam, i was greatful that he was aware of how silly it must make a person feel to have to do these tiny little physical challenges, such as touching a finger to my nose then to his finger from a multitude of angles.
"now pinch your fingers together and take them apart as fast as you can" says my intern and so i do but i cannot resist a "kids in the hall" moment. just like that troop of canadian comics, i had to, had to do it....
putting my hand at eye level, i put my pinching fingers in front of my left eye and started "squishin' the head. squishin' the head" i say with my right eye squeezed shut and my intern just lost it. he laughed so hard the tears ran down his face, and i think he almost had to excuse himself for a moment
"i'll tell you" he says "i have never had so much fun doing this job before." and i smiled and nodded "but we have to get serious now. the CT scan is normal" and mum and i both sigh with release "and since you are showing no other signs of a neurological issue, i will not keep you in the hospital" (i did not even know they had been thinking in this diraction and my heart speeds up) "but we will need to set up an mri to rule out some things..."
"like what" says mom "what are we possibly looking at?"
after hearing a list that was as serious as a brain tumor or as simple as a migraine, mum took me home so my friend liz could pick me up and take me out for disco bowling.

thirty idling buses all in a row...

i had a ceu class with that majickal professor today, and she asked me an interesting question at lunch. i could not help much with her dilemma, and so i pose the question to everyone out there, and if you are unaware of an answer, maybe you can pass this on as well.

anyhow, i guess she had been up at university circle, and outside of severance hall or the art museum, i dont remember which, thirty school bus drivers were patiently waiting for their charges, each in their own idling bus.

now, i would not have personally noticed this, the idea of it is so commonplace, i see it all the time (which now that i DO think about it is horrible as well), but jackie's point was that the pollution released by the buses and the gas wasted during these hours of waiting was avoidable and changable.

the question, then, is, who can she talk to about this. i guess she had read an article about something similar to this issue over the weekend in the pee dee (as hess says) and she considered contacting the author, but she didnt remember who it was

i believe each school system owns their own buses, and i am unsure who she could talk to in order to change this behavior and get the drivers to shut the buses off and i figured that since this was a space to say things when unsure of who to say them to, i would post this up and see what i got in return, even if it's just more questions

song of the day: jelly roll- charles mingus

dianosis II: friday, march seventh, nineteen-ninety seven

"you've had a stroke" says the opthamologist
"excuse me!?" says i
"true, this is rare in a woman your age, but you are a heavy smoker, and taking the pill (birth control) seriously increases the likelyhood of a stroke" says he
"i don't take the pill" says i
"yes you do" says he
"no i dont" says i
"there is really no other explanation" says he
"i have never taken birth control, i'm gay" says i (and i was, i have since relaxed my self definition to i connect with people, and sometimes the connection is sexual, regardless of gender)
"cramps" says he
"i have never taken the pill" says i
"all the same, you are experiencing a bilateral loss of vision in the lower right hand quadrant of both eyes. classic sign of stroke" says he "is there anyone i should call?"

*******************************************************

"i got you on the nine pm flight here" says mom
"i still dont see why you won't come here instead" says i
"because cleveland has some of the best medical care there is, thats why" says she (besides, you're too afraid to fly, i think)
"i already talked to dr. deuley, and she said we should go to the emergency room first thing tomorrow morning" says she
"is it really safe for a person who's had a stroke to fly" says i
"it'll be fine" says she
(yeah, just like the sun spots are fine, i think)
"do you have a ride?" says she
"yeah, stacey will take me" says i,and hung up on her and smoked some pot then packed my bag (i am a light traveler) for this glorious trip home.

save what little we have left....

i received this email today, and need to spread the word, as mike dewine is one the senators involved and the vote is on wednesday the eighth
NASW Government Relations Action Alert

Contact Your Senator Now to Oppose
Destructive HIMMA Bill (S.1955)

March 3, 2006

THE ISSUE AT HAND
President Bush and some small employers are putting strong pressure on the Senate to pass health insurance regulatory changes to benefit selective employee groups. This new initiative is known as the Health Insurance Marketplace Modernization and Affordability Act (HIMMA, S. 1955). This bill is part of a larger health agenda to enact Association Health Plans (AHPs) that have already passed the House as H.R. 525. NASW is concerned that the Senate bill could pass under election-year pressure, enabling negotiations with the House over its AHP bill and producing a very destructive regulatory framework for all commercial health insurance.

ACTION NEEDED
The HIMMA bill S. 1955 will be voted on by the Senate HELP (Health, Education, Labor and Pensions) Committee this Wednesday, March 8, 2006. One of your Senators, listed below, sits on the HELP Committee and will vote on this bill at that time. NASW needs you to contact your Senator now and tell him or her that this bill is too destructive of essential insurance protections for vulnerable beneficiaries and it must be entirely rejected.

BACKGROUND
S.1955 is a highly complex bill that makes sweeping changes in the health insurance regulatory environment by federalizing many key aspects of insurance regulation that are currently state responsibilities. One of the goals of the bill is to "harmonize" the regulatory environment, making it easier to sell insurance products across multiple state lines. These products would be cheaper because they would not conform to state mandatory benefit requirements, provider choice laws or consumer protections. They would in most cases be "bare bones" insurance products marketed across state lines. NASW is highly supportive of increasing access to health care coverage for working people, but we oppose S. 1955 because it would eviscerate behavioral health and most other mandatory health benefits, preempt over 30 social work "freedom of choice" laws and eliminate basic consumer protections, all the while producing a different premium structure that will make it much more expensive for higher risk groups and individuals to afford any insurance.

Sample Phone Message
Members of the Senate HELP Committee must be contacted now to hear opposition to S. 1955. Phone calls are necessary because of the short notice given for Committee consideration of this new and poorly understood legislation. A sample phone message follows:

"My name is _________ from (city, state). As a constituent, professional social worker, and member of the National Association of Social Workers, I am calling to ask Senator (last name) to oppose the Health Insurance Marketplace Modernization and Affordability Act (HIMMA, S. 1955). This Act would exempt many new health plans from critical state laws and regulations, thereby gutting existing consumer protections and coverage requirements and increasing insurance premiums for those left behind. I urge the Senator's strong opposition to this bill during HELP Committee consideration this week. Thank you.

Call your Senator through the Capitol Switchboard: 202-224-3121, and just ask for the office by name.

TIMING
It is critical for opposition to be heard immediately, since S.1955 will undergo committee consideration on Wednesday, March 8th.

HELP COMMITTEE ROSTER
Republicans:
Enzi, Michael (WY), Chairman; Gregg, Judd (NH); Frist, Bill (TN); Alexander, Lamar (TN); Burr, Richard (NC); Isakson, Johnny (GA); DeWine, Mike (OH); Ensign, John (NV); Hatch, Orrin (UT); Sessions, Jeff (AL); Roberts, Pat (KS)

Democrats:
Kennedy, Edward (MA), Ranking Member; Dodd, Christopher (CT); Harkin, Tom (IA); Mikulski, Barbara (MD); Jeffords, James (VT); Bingaman, Jeff (NM); Murray, Patty (WA); Reed, John (RI); Clinton, Hillary (NY)


THANKS FOR YOUR ADVOCACY!

You have received this e-mail as a member of NASW. If you would like to be omitted from future e-mails regarding federal legislation, please send and e-mail to advocacy

diagnosis part I: thursday, march sixth, nineteen ninety seven

i had gotten back to atlanta two days previous from my cousin aimee's engagement party in miami and a quick jaunt to disney world on the drive home. my uncle robert was dying of lung cancer and would not make it to the wedding the following year, so february 28th, my grandparents threw a gala like none i had ever seen...(and to think it was preceding a highly expensive wedding too.)

i hadn't felt good all weekend, in the engagement photos i look sweaty and flushed, uncomfortable, and while at disney world...coming off the "jourey into imagination" ride to be exact....with musical notes still leading the ride's lyrics through my mind "two little wings, eyes big and yellow. horns of a steer, but a lovable fellow. from head to tail, he's made of royal purple pigment, and there, WALA, you've got a figment!" i noticed purplish yellow spots in both my eyes.

these spots spread as the day wore on. i said to my mother, in my 20 year old's littlest girl voice "mummy, i think i was staring at the sun too long or something" and she said it would go away, not to worry.

we drove the rest of the way back to atlanta on the fourth of march, both of us concerned but pretending not to be, she dropped me at home and continued on to ohio. but by the sixth, i could no longer deny something was very wrong. i could not read nor drive due to this confusing visual effect i had going on in both my eyes. i made an appointment with the eye doctor for the next day

a moment

La Vie Defined in Womens Terms- A. Jacobs

I will grow old in the shelter of others
I will eat fallen apples from the tree
I will learn to take a chance on love
I will tell you my stories and you will tell me yours
They will be enough
and I will be enough
and we will have enough.
Amen.

found at this tri-c exhibit

from: http://womenscircles.homestead.com/ScheduleofEvents.html

"In association with Ursuline College's Art Therapy Counseling Program:
Women's Circles: Creativity in Community
On display Febraury 28- March 31, 2006 at
Cuyahoga Community College Gallery East

change for the season

it's march. spring is in 21 days.
i had to change to something alive,
and green
not abstract and spotty,
spotty like my brain.

how will you spend the equinox?

even the coast guard is worried

from the burlington freepress:
Coast Guard warned of intelligence gaps in ports deal

Published: Tuesday, February 28, 2006
By Liz Sidoti
The Associated Press

WASHINGTON -- Citing broad gaps in U.S. intelligence, the Coast Guard raised concerns weeks ago that it could not determine whether a United Arab Emirates-based company seeking a stake in some U.S. port operations might support terrorist operations.

i knew i wasn't over-reacting! i think there is also a down play of the socialist nature of the uae (i dont mind socialism, by the way, but it is a very different set-up then the capatalistic nature of our agreement with the PRIVATELY owned british company that currently is still in control of the ports... and i dont really like that reality either, but it doesnt frighten me, just makes me feel a little indignant, and i dont think it addresses what having another government own the port actually means. does that kind of make the ports an extention of uae? are they free to do what ever they will with the ports (keep in mind, the deal made by the bush administration allowed them to keep all their records off american shores where we would not be able to monitor what actually occurs...a rather unusual concession i think)

results to fill in the down time

at work with very little to do so i thought i would write.

this post is informational to anyone who wants to know more about ms, and for the people in my life, who might want to know how i am doing. if it seems like this is too personal, i apologize, but i want to educate and end stigma around many different things, and this is part of how i do that. my mri turned out pretty decently. there are three things that are being looked for to understand how the illness is progressing.

first, there are lesions, which show up on the mri as bright white spots or streaks in the brain. this shows where the myelin coating the nerves has been attacked by the immune system and shows either an acute, active attack where it is exceptionally bright and large, or shows where things have basicly scarred over, and the spots are smaller and less bright.

i took the mri home with me and compared with the mri from sept. 1999. there are not that many newer lesions, mostly a largening of existing lesions, and the neurologist stated that the damage was located where connections are made, which explains why alot of my episodes are bi-lateral (like both hands going numb). she also said it may have something to do with mixing my words up (i say things like upload instead of download, etc..

second, there is the concern of atrophy, or shrinkage, of the brain. ms has this problem in common with other brain illnesses such as schizophrenia, and is not a good sign

i have no atrophy...YEAH!!!!!!!!!

third, there is the problem with holes (my swiss cheese comment of the last post) which show up as black spots on the mri. i think this is the most important aspect to go over with a medical provider, because some parts of the brain, such as the ventricles, show up as black as well. these are areas where the myelin is not even attempting to repair itself anymore, i believe

my mri showed only two teeny-weeny little black dots that i would have entirely missed if the neurologist had not pointed them out, thats how small they were (but i imagine i would have panicked if i had gome home and looked for them on my own, because i easily could have thought a ventricle was damage)

all in all, a good report, but i dont think i had ever understood why my first neurologist had been so concerned by existing damage at the time of diagnosis. there are quite a few lesions, but atleast i can feel relaxed by the very minute changes over the past six years, as compared to the amount of damage that already existed in 1999.

brain scan

i am about to have the first mri i have had in six years. this is rather abnormal for someone with ms. the woman i work with who has my same illness ends up getting an mri every six months (a little silly if you ask me, since all an mri can do is tell you how scarred your head is, not lead to any cures, but i suppose her doc wants to make sure her meds are working) but due to a combination of my doctor saying that maybe we dont really want to know what is going in this cabesa, and the fact that braces and electronic imaging dont go so well together, no new photos have been taken since september of 1999.

now the braces are gone (but i need to remember to take out the retainer), and so we will finally see how swissed my cheese really is after nine years of illness awareness (actually, my nine year anniversary is march 7).

medical stuff is unpleasant and a little frightening. i really wish i had an atavan for this, mri's are loud and cramped and take quite awhile, but i will just have to make it through without being on valium (bummer)

the shady deal

from yahoo news:
Documents Reveal White House Deal on Ports By TED BRIDIS, Associated Press Writer
1 hour, 14 minutes ago
WASHINGTON - Under a secretive agreement with the Bush administration, a company in the United Arab Emirates promised to cooperate with U.S. investigations as a condition of its takeover of operations at six major American ports, according to documents obtained by The Associated Press. The U.S. government chose not to impose other, routine restrictions. In approving the $6.8 billion purchase, the administration chose not to require state-owned Dubai Ports World to keep copies of its business records on U.S. soil, where they would be subject to orders by American courts.


----see what i mean about some shady deals? why don't they have to keep records here? did the british? and by the way, i had missed that fact previosly, the whole british thing, and i am not sure how i feel sbout it yet.

i also read that these six ports get 26% of all port business. thats an awful big chunk of change, right?

i will not change my mind

suddenly, there are a number of news articles on the web trying to say discomfort with this port issue is phobic, and that this attitude may keep out investors from the middle east. want to know what i have to say to that?

FUCK THE INVESTORS, WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE!?

this is not about arabs or money for me, it's about war and polotics and shady governments and proven facts (which i dont feel like writing about but are available at havecoffeewillwrite i believe) and i resent being called phobic of arabs because i dont want another country, especially a country known for supporting my enemy financially, to have contol of u.s. ports. nope. and i'm not sorry at all for it either.

hanging tough...or just plain idiotic, shady and unreasonable

from yahoo: Bush Says Ports Deal Will Stand
By TED BRIDIS, Associated Press Writer 2 hours, 19 minutes ago
WASHINGTON - Lawmakers determined to capsize the pending sale of shipping operations at six major U.S. seaports to a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates said President Bush's surprise veto threat won't deter them.

---ok, isnt this the president who did not even seem aware that he had something called veto power? now he chooses to veto? now?

this man is too stubborn for his own good. i have yet to talk to a single person who is comfortable with this situation, and i wonder what kind of shady deals our government must be in on with uae in order to stick to this plan so strongly. this is not about commerce, the business is "state-owned" and its about flooding more money into arab government. are there no americans capable of doing this job?

i truly believe at this point in time, if the bin laden threat is really a threat and not just a convenient ploy on behalf of the bush administration (which more and more i am beginnning to feel, as bin laden is m.i.a. except when it is helpful to bush for some reason...) then our national guard should be guarding the ports...oh, wait, are they all in iraq right now too?

bill mahr: better than chocolate?

i cried when politically incorrect was taken off the air. seeing bill each evening was like chocolate after a bad day at work and i would force myself to stay up every night, no matter how early the wake up (this was afterall, prehistorically pre-tivo)

thankfully, cable forgave bill his move to network, and took his laid off ass back from tv to the world of hbo.

real time with bill mahr was like coming home again. there are so many favorites for me. new rules; the continued use of a (smaller) panel but adding other things into the format; the way they divide up the season so you dont go almost two years sans bill (ahem, the sopranos could learn from this...i dont even remember why i ever watched, now that i lost touch with all charicters)

but my absolute favorite thing about bill is that his opinion does not tow anyone's line but his own. utterly liberal in so many ways, bill always voices his differing views without unsurity. just this week, he seemed to not be very outraged by the whole spying issue, and though he did bring up how easy it is to get a warrent, he sees merit in the spying.

ok, that's it.

an objection

i am not okay with outsourcing port duty to an arab nation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://thinkprogress.org/2006/02/17/ports-uae/

hummer birds

from http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060218/ap_on_bi_ge/suvs_tax_breaks

"Federal tax rules that took effect last month allow a credit of up to $3,150 for anyone buying a hybrid car. The credit is the same regardless of tax bracket.

However, owners of small businesses who buy a Hummer, Ford Excursion or other SUV weighing more than 3 tons get a deduction of up to $25,000 — depending on tax bracket — if they use the vehicle exclusively for work.

The benefits don't stop there. Once they subtract the $25,000 from the cost of their 3-ton SUV, small business owners can deduct the depreciation on the remaining amount. Someone who bought a $60,000 SUV, for example, can claim the remaining $35,000 over six years."

ok, does this strike anyone else as insane? they are getting free a car that will use more pertroleum then any other car- no wonder bush felt so confident in talking about alternative energy sources. afterall, what corporation would want to buy a hybrid for seven eighths of full cost when you can get a big bad meanie for nothing? (and yes, some say its worth what you save in gas, but come on...a $60,000...for FREE)




Song of the day:

told you

see, i told you i could smell spring coming!
unfortunately she is toooooo early, and this weekends freeze is going to make me so sad after this tease!

by the way, spring kind of turns me into a pistachio.



Song of the day: one good reason- wendy bucklew

birkenstocks

i am wearing birkenstocks!
i am wearing birkenstocks without socks
i am wearing birkenstocks without socks and i keep hoping some mud will find its way onto my foot.
i love it when my feet are earthy.


Song of the day: rural faggot- amy ray

social work and creativity

truly, social work and creativity are not enemies. as a profession, social work often employs ingenuity and creativity in order to meet increasing needs in a society with dwindling resources (cause all those rich guys need to have bigger bank accounts). it's a very left brained creativity though. atleast, i cant really think of a better way to describe it. i have heard writing called a left brain act as well, and all i can think is that the more cerebral, the more left brained, the more artsy, the more right brained. i don't adhere to this opinion, but it is something i have definitly heard, and i think it can provide a vocabulary for my post.

i bring this up because at work today, for all my ingenuity and creativity (and there sure is plenty), i found myself becoming slightly frustrated in response to my inability to meet a clients need. ..ok, a little frustrated is an underwhelming description of my little series of cloud bursts. my right brained creativity is highly tuned into the world right now though, and if pretty words could provide me a case manager, psychiatrist, medicaid number and clozaril, i could have won the nobel prize for creativity...is there one, by the way? but alas, that is the wrong kind of creativity for this profession, atleast in my role as inpatient psychiatric social worker.

i wonder if there is something about working with people, and in some instances their lives, that leads to my inability to think at work. i mentioned perfectionism in my muse post, and i know this is playing a part in experiences such as what happened today, and it is not helping. but think about it, sometimes, a person's actual and literal life is in my care. there is nothing between us in those moments. i have to be present, and aware, and real... not the easiest things for me to be.

working with poems, there is paper between me and a person, flowery verbosity, tricks of a trade.



song of the day: yes i will-michael frenti

working blues

my friend tonya, who just graduated with me, and i were talking about how lost and detatched we both feel since grad.

both of us are currently working good jobs and making decent money, she's salary, im hourly, and yet i know that i am very disatisfied, and i get the feeling she is too.

almost everyone who has been here before me, my mom, my shrink, my gaggle of middle aged men (no offense meant), say that this is what everyone feels like at this stage of their lives, but that does not make it any better.

i am thinking about going back to school, get a doctorate, but the deadline to apply for fall is march 15, and i am doing horribly on those practice gre's, i dont know how i could pull that all together...

Song of the day: five oclock world-the vogues

more about my muse

not that i have called her muse before this, first she was that majickal professor, then jackie, but now i realize that a creative spark has been lit up again. i don't even know that i was entirely aware it was gone

this spark died out somewhere along the line. it used to gush and gurgle, poetry and music mixes, plans and parties, connection and seperation, but it's been gone for moons, maybe a few dozen moons even, and now it is nagging me to let it out. but perfectionism is in the way, and a doubtful respect shushes me.

we had to keep a journal in that class. an outlet for me, nourishment, and i suckled and nipped at it. i changed. i began this blog. but the journal ended, and i can't seem to figure out where to get fulfillment now. my muse, her energies supported me.

today, the sun was awake before i was, a first for this side of the solstace. even though the noreaster hit, and there was some lake effect after a winter above freezing, i finally could smell the spring coming and all i can think of is a continuing ed. class i have next month, to fulfill my ethics need and to find the muse. i had hoped she would have time for me before i was once again apart from an adoring crowd, but that is not to be.

i had fear i would lose what was found under her weekly attention. the class was eight, but i got more then an eighth of her mind, her time, and i flourished, creating the perfect blush on this golden apple cheek. it was fine.

i miss her.


Song of the day:falling- alison moyet

economic huh?

last night, macs backs and and policy now presented tamara draut, author of "strapped: why america's 20-30 somethings can't get ahead" and bakari kitwana, author of "why white kids love hip hop".

while the entire evening was interesting and full of interesting ideas on economic difficulties my age bracket is facing, the evening was somewhat dominated by the older members in the audience, turning the conversation away from the four main econmic challenges identified by tamara to a more "my generation had it just as rough but we still turned out better..." based spin. i can only identify one question an audience member posed to the author that was truly relevant to the topic at hand, and not a distraction.

this was truly disappointing. i will read both the above mentioned books, but i think an opportunity to have an indepth interactive understanding on how i can approach our own economic futures was lost. but one thing ms. draut mentioned which was not lost to me was an aside comment on investor's fear of decreased unemployment levels and increased wages. from:http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060211/ap_on_bi_ge/wall___main

"NEW YORK - In the good-news-can-be-bad-news world of Wall Street, recent data showing growth in employment and wages have worried some investors. Their fear: More jobs and higher wages could spark inflation and prompt the Federal Reserve to continue its march of short-term interest rate hikes.

But the strong employment and pay numbers have become a source of contention on the Street. Some economists and strategists believe the employment and pay picture is less inflationary than the data would suggest...

Among the data at issue is January's unemployment figure, which sank to 4.7 percent, its lowest level since July 2001. The four-week average of jobless claims on Thursday fell to its lowest level in six years, according to the Labor Department. Then, there are employees' average hourly earnings, which trailed inflation for most workers last year, but rose to $16.41 in January, up 3.3 percent from a year ago.

The January employment report "began to rattle the cozy consensus that has been expecting just one or two more rate hikes from the Federal Reserve in 2006," Bank of America strategist Thomas McManus wrote, saying the drop in the unemployment rate and indications of wage pressure were "particularly troubling."

--Tamara pointedly stated that one reason job security is so low in this market is the importance on putting money into the stockholders portfolio, not having a reliable workforce. i unfortunatly do not really understand how interest rates work, or, therefor, what this article says beyond the rich would rather have people out of work and working for slave wages then a healthy society for all.






Song of the day:

Oh, Coretta...

i have been unready to talk about my experience of coretta scott king until now. i am pretty sure that this was due to my jewish soul which is uncomforttable dealing with death until a body is in the ground (i believe in the three day until burial limit we jews work with, and you cant imagine how hard it was for me when the pope died and it took over a month to get him in the ground), but she was put in earth yesterday and i feel i can now respectfully talk about her.

i had the priviledge to see coretta speak at PRIDE in atlanta in 1996. she was a even tempered speaker, somewhat soft in tone, but powerful in content. for those unfamiliar, PRIDE is the yearly glbt festival, and atlanta's is pretty much the big one in the south, with over 350,000 attendees that year, and her words of civil rights were greeted by deafening cheers.

i know for me, coretta's ability to see past her own religious beliefs, her acceptance of this wacky rainbowed crowd of dykes and drag queens, her insistance that each individual in peidmont park that day was as human as herself, and deserved rights as much as herself, and her willingness to put herself on the line for MY rights, changed my being in so many ways.

i wish everyone had an opportunity such as i did to experience a woman of history in the present. to have one of the primary civil rights leaders of the fifties and sixties (and yes i know, it was technically her husband, but imagine coretta's sacrifice during this time) say to them that there is still a struggle, and that she will not stop fighting for equal rights just because her segment of the population is doing better then before, nor will she leave anyone behind because of personal disagreement with the lifestyle (and no, she did not verbalize any feelings of disagreeing, but she was, after all, a preacher's wife).

thank you, coretta, for your energy, your commitment, your caring, your belief in justice....
i promise, i will never leave anyone behind either

song of the day: Kadish-jewish prayer for the dead yet
the Kadish is not a mourning of the dead, but a praising of life in honor of their years.

jcar

i am beginning to think that jcar is conducted on a state to state basis. i have included an example of how jcar works by adding michigan's version in this post, but also found one for illinois and florida. i did not find ohio's, but i know we have one. i dont know, it just seems to me we should be aware of this committee. they do, afterall, get to set the rules...literally

from: www.paaonline.com/1999/111299a.html

SENATE PASSES REVISED J.C.A.R. AUTHORITY LEGISLATION

On Wednesday, the Senate adopted a package of bills (Senate Bills 877-879) that change the manner in which the Legislature oversees the drafting of Administrative Rules.

Under the compromise reached with the Engler Administration, once notified that rules were about to be promulgated, the Joint Committee on Administrative Rules (JCAR) would have 21 days to consider the rules. If JCAR does not favor the rules, it could issue a notice of objection. Once filed, a bill would have to be introduced and passed by both the House and Senate within 21 days to stop implementation of the rules.

The Governor, however, could veto the rejection bill, leaving the two chambers seven days to muster the votes for a gubernatorial override.

Democrats accused the Republicans of rolling over and giving up its legislative authority.

Governor Engler has challenged JCAR's authority in the rule process. The challenge is currently pending before the Michigan Supreme Court.

the cost of mental illness II

from: www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/burden.cfm

The Impact of Mental Illness on Society


"...the burden of psychiatric conditions has been heavily underestimated..."

The burden of mental illness on health and productivity in the United States and throughout the world has long been underestimated. Data developed by the massive Global Burden of Disease study conducted by the World Health Organization, the World Bank, and Harvard University, reveal that mental illness, including suicide, accounts for over 15 percent of the burden of disease in established market economies, such as the United States. This is more than the disease burden caused by all cancers.

This Global Burden of Disease study developed a single measure to allow comparison of the burden of disease across many different disease conditions by including both death and disability. This measure was called Disability Adjusted Life Years (DALYs). DALYs measure lost years of healthy life regardless of whether the years were lost to premature death or disability. The disability component of this measure is weighted for severity of the disability. For example, disability caused by major depression was found to be equivalent to blindness or paraplegia whereas active psychosis seen in schizophrenia produces disability equal to quadriplegia.

Using the DALYs measure, major depression ranked second only to ischemic heart disease in magnitude of disease burden in established market economies. Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder also contributed significantly to the total burden of illness attributable to mental disorders.


The projections show that with the aging of the world population and the conquest of infectious diseases, psychiatric and neurological conditions could increase their share of the total global disease burden by almost half, from 10.5 percent of the total burden to almost 15 percent in 2020.

the cost of mental illness

from: www.mhlg.org/business_3-03.pdf -
Coalition for Fairness in Mental Illness
Coverage



EMPLOYERS SHOULD SUPPORT MENTAL HEALTH PARITY

Mental health and physical health are inextricably linked. Mental illnesses can affect a person’s
productivity and health as much, if not more than, a physical illness. An employee with an untreated or undertreated
mental illness may add to employer costs via: absenteeism, turnover and retraining expenses, poor morale and lower
productivity, injury and compensation costs, conflict among employees and increased medical costs. Investing in
mental health parity provides a return of productivity and economic gain.




UNTREATED/UNDERTREATED MENTAL ILLNESS COSTS EMPLOYERS

• The 1999 Surgeon General’s report on mental illness estimates the direct business costs of lack of parity
coverage of mental illness treatment of at least $70 billion per year, mostly in the form of lost productivity
(absenteeism and “presenteeism”) and increased use of sick leave. Other studies have show that employees
with inadequate mental health coverage resort to increased use of general health care services.

ß An MIT Sloan School of Management report showed in 1995 that clinical depression costs American
businesses $28.8 billion a year in lost productivity and worker absenteeism.

ß Depressed workers have between 1.5 and 3.2 more short-term work disability days in a given thirty-day
period than other workers. The average salary equivalent disability costs of these days range between $182
and $395 per depressed worker (Health Affairs; Volume 18, Number 5; 1999).

ß Of the 11 million individuals who suffer from depression in any given year, approximately 7.8 million are
found in the workplace (American Journal of Psychiatry; 1996; 145:1351-1357). The annual cost per
employee is $4,200 (Journal of the American Medical Association; 1997; 277:333-340).

when society falls behind: future changes in payment for nursing homes

we had a minor scare at work this week, but it truly could become a large crisis in the future.

on wednesday, a nursing home representative came in to talk to my co-social worker, terry, about some new rules in medicaid/medicare payments for convalescent stays. a convalescent stay, for us, means finding an available bed in a suitable nursing facility (NF) for a patient ready for discharge (which often means they are no longer suicidal so insurance is giving a payment limit), but are not stabalized enough on medications to be returned home.

the new rules would insist on a medical diagnosis, and state that a psychiatric diagnosis will not meet criteria for a short term convalescent stay (30 days or less), which is truly all that alot of psych patients need

luckily, it turns out that while it is true that this is what jcar (ithink it was jcar at least, i could be wrong though, so if you are truly interested, you may want to do research, and i will post it if i find anything to the contrary) wanted to do, they were not able to get it in place this year. jcar, by the way, is the "joint commision on (get this) administrative rules".

this makes me furious. mental illness is mostly a BRAIN illness. schizophrenia can be seen on mri's. we know that atrophy (shrinkage) occurs in the brain's of people who suffer from schizophrenia. we know it is a chronic illness. unfortunately for my patients, the symptoms are psychiatric, and we as a society still have a huge stigma around mental illness. it is no different then having cancer or anemia, down syndrome, MS..... filling out the transfer forms at work (which need to be done to allow for payment during a convalescent stay), i have no problem saying that my clients need assists in some of their daily stuff. i can think of one man who is perfectly able to get himself dressed...so long as someone says "you need to get dressed" he is also able to do his own laundry, as long as someone tells him what to do (and he definitly needs someone to remind him to use soap).

and except for PTSD (which is entirely externally based), all mental illness has an organic MEDICAL aspect, an imbalance of chemicals of some sort. and to better define my terms, mental illness is not going to therapy, it is not about the "walking wounded" at all (though they do give drugs to anyone who wants to go in that direction pretty much, and even encourage it sometimes even though there are very obvious psychosocial issues). it is about continual struggle to learn how to incorporate this aspect of yourself into your life, as any chronic illness is.

and then, this morning, bush wants to put another 440 billion in the pentagon and then make more cuts to medicare. we are not only losing the war, we are loosing our security despite going to war, which was meant to make us feel more secure....right?

i would blog about it, but....

so my miserable day, the one where my hands went numb (they only stayed numb for about ten days by the way), and found out my grandmother had breast cancer (it hasnt spread anywhere, which is great news), the day on which i wrecked my car (i picked up the scion yesterday, and i do like it), i also blogged on that day that my boss was making me miserable, and that i hadn't heard from jackie.

i actually heard from her that day, and became unsure if it was synchronicity in action (more on that some other time), or if she read my blog. even now, i am nervous about typing her name, but it is censoring me to think that way. a big part of who i am, how i write is to use my life to lead to political or professional points. a strange egomaniacal type of imagery maybe, but all my favorite writers lay themselves out to be flayed, and i want to be as powerful as them.

i do think, however, i maybe should have used an alias for her.

Song of the day:

without thinking

drinking my morning coffee, it was so hot the first sip burnt off the tip of my tongue.

i thought, just blow on it, as most would think about hot things they are about to put in their mouth.

i had asked for a styrafoam cup this morning (naughty, i know), and now i closed my lips around the raised mouth hole before i blew, thinking that it would work better that way

and i succeeded at shooting myself in the forehead with a stream of hot coffee that erupted from a tiny little pressure hole on the opposite end of the lid.....

i need to think things out more before i act. my life would be a lot less painful if i did.

blog stealing

some guy copied my hillman post and reposted it twice on his own website without citing me. Jeff Hess says i shouldnt respond to the person because he is just trying to create traffic on his site. i am sooooooooo mad about it...but atleast someone was interested in the lecture i guess.

i had no idea that even in blogger world ethics have gone out the window....

i would add that just like in most professions, the majority of bloggers are good honest people though. i am just really mad that someone took my words, as i am sure many of you can appreciate.

you just cant rely on a girl to stick to her mind

and so i bought a scion xa instead of the kia. the kia dealer scared me, he couldnt drive stick but he insisted on driving the car (manuel) across the street to the gas station (terrifying), and he was a little too eager for my business. besides, the scion looks a little too much like the mini-van version of a teacup poodle to not... and, there are stereo controls on the steering wheel

Song of the day: mercedes benz- janis joplin

car shopping

i smashed my car to smithereens last week. it was my fault, i was making a left turn and didn't see the other guy (though i also think he was going way too fast). now i have to get a new one.

i have never gone shopping on my own for something so large before. i keep asking my friends for advice, and ask if they will come with me, but i notice that each time they try to give advice, or put up a new idea for which car, i become exceptionally prickly. especially when someone mentions a hybrid, which i would love, but i really cant afford that at this point in my life.

my mother, she was not the type to install gender stereotypes in my self image- she was single the majority of my life, but even in her relationships, she often took on what is kind of considered the "guys" jobs-and yet, somehow, i dont feel competent enough to buy a car.

i knew which car i wanted, i did alot of research, and while a kia rio is not the top of anything (except for warranties maybe), it is a good enough car and i can just pay for the thing upfront with the insurance price for my deceased bug without having to entiely wipe out my savings. i just dont think now is the time to take on another monthly bill, as my student loans are coming up this month

i am pretty sure this is the best choice for me, i like the way it looks, and it somehow feels like having my geo metro back, i loved the little economy car then, and i think i would love it now- and i am also really at a place where I can buy it for myself. i know that the car i wrecked was a present from my mom, but it was mine, and i know my mom would cover the payments until i had a permanent source of income, but i want this car to be mine, all mine.

so i am going to gather my courage, not feel overwhelmed, and take myself out to the kia dealer.

time to heal

i forget how rushed the society i live in is sometimes, but as i finally start to feel better physically, my depression and extreme anxiety goes with it. i realize now how a series of choices on my part kept me sick for so long.

but life is a rush, go see your family, go back to work, dont cancel on friends, don't stand anyone up keep moving.
sometimes, i need to sit down. sometimes, i ignore my need to take time to heal.

as for all those things out of my control, those haven't changed, but it is amazing how much easier it is to manage once you have started to feel a little stronger.


Song of the day: yield-indigo girls

hillman lecture at cia: dreaming or lobbying?

yesterday i went to hear dr. james hillman speak at CIA. he is a psychologist, and was one of the last directors of the C.G. Jung center in zurich while jung was alive. i have heared dr. hillman lecture in the past and found him lively and interesting. he spoke on dreams, adressing many of the different purposes of dreams,from anxiety to predictive. this time i was under the impression, from the advertisments and the blurb written in Scene, that he was going to talk about how people are born knowing their purpose, and dreams are messages that will lead us to our futures. the specific imagery had been the idea of the oak tree looking into it's own acorn.

unfortunatly, i left disappointed. first, the sound quality was not great. it had a fuzziness that seemed to make the words incomplete. then, to my suprise, he ended up talking about religion and polotics and imagination. some of it was interesting. the verb "to dream", says hillman, never appears in the new testaments and the word "dream" is used only three times. being an old testeament jewish girl, i was shocked. someone is constantly dreaming, joseph and his predictive dreams etc. in the first five books of the bible. a phrase he used often was "the causaisin (spelled as he pronounces it), christian way". he discussed the lack of imagination in government, often referring to "the cheney, wolfawitz, rumsfeld, rice" making this team one entity. his two main political points were that the war in iraq and the horrible environmental policies we have show a lack of imagination from "the cheneyl, wolfawitz, rumsfeld, rice". personally, i think they have been very imaginative in their use of government for increasing their own personal wealth and stature, infact it has been phenomenal what a good job they have done at creating a country in which their imagination has become everyone's reality and only their best friends truly come out on top. hillman seemed to equate imagination as something that only existed if it agreed with what he sees as the right thing to do (like pull out of iraq or create environmentally friendly policies), and that the thought that went into existing policy was unimaginative because "they didnt think about the importance of, say art, in the places they were bombing". no, they were imaging about themselves, and their own beliefs, but it is still imagining. what started as a dream lecture became a bit of a democratic rally.

then i got tripped up by the semantics of the lecture. "don't interpret, be interested" in the dream. well, what is being interested? "asking questions of the dream, for you dont have the dream, the dream has you" well, no wonder my therapist gets annoyed with me when i come in having had a dream conversation with myself, positive i understand the meaning. no wonder she always tries to take me anywhere then my own interpretation- and i dont think i agree with it. hillman refered to people's lack of knowledge as innocence, i would call it ignorance (it's the difference between not being able to really understand and not being educated in my mind)

and really, while i appreciate Dr. hillman's view on the world, and even mostly agree with him, i felt tricked into this lecture, persuaded by dreams.

and he never once mentioned the acorn.

big brother

from yahoo news: SAN FRANCISCO - Google Inc. is rebuffing the Bush administration's demand for a peek at what millions of people have been looking up on the Internet's leading search engine — a request that underscores the potential for online databases to become tools for government surveillance.


Mountain View-based Google has refused to comply with a White House subpoena first issued last summer, prompting U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales this week to ask a federal judge in San Jose for an order to hand over the requested records.

The government wants a list all requests entered into Google's search engine during an unspecified single week — a breakdown that could conceivably span tens of millions of queries. In addition, it seeks 1 million randomly selected Web addresses from various Google databases.

In court papers that the San Jose Mercury News reported on after seeing them Wednesday, the Bush administration depicts the information as vital in its effort to restore online child protection laws that have been struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court.

Yahoo Inc. (Nasdaq:YHOO - news), which runs the Internet's second-most used search engine behind Google, confirmed Thursday that it had complied with a similar government subpoena.
HOW DOES THE INTERNET ACTUALLY WORK? BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT IS BEST TO TRY NOT TO SUPPORT WHAT I AM AGAINST, AND I HAVE ALWAYS USED YAHOO OVER GOOGLE, I THINK I NEED TO SWITCH NOW (THOUGH SWITCHING MAIL ACCOUNTS IS DIFFICULT). DOES YAHOO MAKE MONEY OFF OF ME SOMEHOW? I DONT PAY ANYTHING FOR MY EMAIL ACCOUNT, AND NONE OF THEIR ADS HAVE EVER CAUGHT MY ATTENTION, BUT ALL THE SAME...AND ALSO, I DONT LIKE THE THOUGHT OF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION DIGGING THROUGH MY SEARCHES TO OVER RULE THE SUPREME COURT, WHETHER I AGREE WITH THEIR RULING OR NOT!

whoopdie

so if my car survives this wreck it will be a junkie for sure, but i am fine and thanks to those who have helped bail me out, jeff has your cash

peace, love and gratitude,
molly katherine

escalation

and the day just continues on. i had a patient jump out the window and get some pizza (not good, not good) and if i had the constitution, i would go into a tirade about hospital measures, security and staffing ratios but i am too tired and sad.

i then found out my grandmother has breast cancer again. i am a positive person, and willl keep my hopes up, but i am not sure how much more anxiety and disappointment i can take at this point. my life is just starting, and i am not liking what i get to reap from the seeds i sowed right now.

if only i could have faith in the nature of the world, you know, let go, and things will come out as they should, hold on to qualities like patience, and trust, but i dont know that i know how to do that.


Song of the day: none

numb hand

my left hand was numb when i woke up this morning. usually, an ms episode can vary, it can stay where it is from the first moment i notice a problem to up to three days of continuously increasing intensity and/or it can spread throughout my body. i hope it stays where it is

so far this year, i have gone from a cold to laryngitis to bronchitis and just as that cleared up on sunday i got my period and now i am numb and its only january eaghteenth...and my horoscope said i was going to have a good year

my boss at work likes to throw nasty comments my way, in the name of "keeping it real" she critisizes everything i do and then calls me manic. the same energy jackie called amazing, energy that with nourishment could be so productive, make a huge difference in the world, she calls manic.

unfortunatly jackie has not been communicating with me (but i sure see my boss everyday), and i am beginning to think i imagined the whole thing, while also telling myself i am just impatient.

Song of the day: there is no music, only silence, which i have heard can be better then an answer, but it feels too ambivilant for me.

good morning! have a thoughtful MLK day

trying to remember that everyday is a gift, despite colds, work loads, cranky doctors, people being non-responsive to emails, geting my period, waking up to early, typos on my brand new diploma, having to pay five hundred dollars to the guy whose car i scraped....
just because i am an anxious freak does not mean that the world does not care about me
there is a moon out there, and the sun will rise in less then an hour and the days are definitly getting longer

Song of the day: american tune- simon and garfunkel

iran

"Sanctions
In March 2004, President Bush extended sanctions originally imposed in 1995 by President Clinton for another year, citing the "unusual and extraordinary threat" to U.S. national security posed by Iran. The 1995 executive orders prohibit U.S. companies and their foreign subsidiaries from conducting business with Iran, while banning any "contract for the financing of the development of petroleum resources located in Iran." In addition, the U.S. Iran-Libya Sanctions Act (ILSA) of 1996 (renewed for 5 more years in July 2001) imposes mandatory and discretionary sanctions on non-U.S. companies investing more than $20 million annually in the Iranian oil and natural gas sectors." http://www.eia.doe.gov/emeu/cabs/Iran/Background.html

i decided to do a little research on american interest in iranian oil. its kind of in the forefront with the un threatening sanctions. i wonder what influence this sanction will reallty have when any foreign company investing more then twenty mil a year is already sanctioned by the u.s. my guess is that these sanctions are already keeping a majority of big players out of iran, which may be a part of irans casual attitude towards this threat.
ofcourse, i am not that knowledgable on the subject and it would require much more research on my part to really say anything that is of much merit.

i am black!

in my groups class, one of the guys, rayshawn, tried to tell me that because i was jewish, i was black, citing the middle east and israel as part of africa.

well i, ofcourse, denied this, saying that i am ashkenazi and therefore of european descent, talked about priviledge, blah blah blah

but according to yahoo news:

"Ashkenazi Jews are a group with mainly central and eastern European ancestry. Ultimately, though, they can be traced back to Jews who migrated from Israel to Italy in the first and second centuries, Behar said. Eventually this group moved to Eastern Europe in the 12th and 13th centuries and expanded greatly, reaching about 10 million just before World War II, he said."
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060113/ap_on_sc/jewish_descent

and since my mama's jewish, and her mama was jewish, and her mama was jewish and i also know for sure that her mama was jewish and i cant really believe that anyone would CHOOSE to be jewish (even though i know a number of americans who have)....

Song of the day:rayshawns song (i dont know the title)-BDP

thanks rayshawn. you're right,
i really am black!!

dumb, dumb, dumbing down

From Yahoo news:

HOUSTON - Houston became the largest school district in the country on Thursday to adopt a merit pay plan for teachers that focuses on students' tests scores

By a 9-0 vote, the Houston school board approved a plan that offers teachers as much as $3,000 in extra pay if their students improve on state and national tests. The program could be expanded to provide as much as $10,000 in merit pay for teachers.

so now they are going to bribe teachers to make sure that they stop fighting the "teaching to the test" approach. this is the last hope. if teachers are willing to sell out their beliefs in true education- teaching children to think through and about things instead of just memorizing facts and other people's (mostly white men's) thoughts and ideas- then there is little left to work with.

our chbildren deserve more then this!

sarcasm

from yahoo news:
LOUISVILLE, Kentucky (Reuters) - The White House said on Wednesday that Iran has made a "serious miscalculation" by clearing the way to resume uranium enrichment and that intensive diplomacy was under way with European allies and others about what to do now.
White House spokesman Scott McClellan, traveling with President George W. Bush on a brief trip to Kentucky, told reporters that if the European-led negotiations had run their course, then there was no other option but to refer Iran to the U.N. Security Council for possible sanctions.
'
what? mr. bush, are you saying were not gonna go and kick their asses too? ....oh yeah, i forgot almost, no men, no money, no support (damn that iraqi quagmire)

a plea

please, just don't forget about me, that would be the worst.

Song of the day: let me go easy- indigo girls

B-U-S-T, THAT IS WHAT TOM BE

SO THERE IT IS, THE AP SAYS THAT DELAY PUSHED TO HAVE A CASINO CLOSED THAT ABRAMOFF WANTED CLOSED NOT LONG BEFORE ONE OF THESE DONATIONS.
AS MY FAVORITE CAMP COUNSELOR MAXINE WOULD HAVE SAID BACK IN THE DAY, MR. DELAY- YOU BUSTED. WHAT? WHAT? YOU BUSTED!

truly reaping what he sowed

from yahoo news: FORT SUMNER, N.M. - A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.

"I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," Mares said from a motel room Saturday.

Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.

No was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed.

Unseasonably dry and windy conditions have charred more than 53,000 acres and destroyed 10 homes in southeastern New Mexico in recent weeks.

"I've seen numerous house fires," village Fire Department Capt. Jim Lyssy said, "but nothing as unique as this one."

FROM ME: talk about sweet revenge. cheers to this mouse for refusing to put up with this kind of treatment! animals are thinking, feeling creatures, and how anyone can so thoughtlessly dispose of a harmless creature in such a painful, pointless way (its not as if the mouse was being cooked for dinner or anything), i will never understand.

this is a true example of karma, and getting what one gives

LARYNGITIS AND BODY ARMOR

LEAVE IT TO ME TO CATCH COLD JUST IN TIME TO HOP OFF TO JERSEY TO SEE MOM. I DONT LIKE BEING SICK AWAY FROM HOME, AND NOW IT HAS TURNED INTO LARYNGITIS AND ITS LIKE "ME, NOT TALK?" ONE THING ABOUT BEING WITH MOM WHEN YOU'RE SICK IS ALL THE CARE YOU CAN GET. NOW MOM IS SICK TOO, AND I DON'T REALLY WANT TO CARE FOR HER (SO SELFISH, I KNOW, BUT I AM NOT A PARENT AND THAT INSTINCT JUST DOESN'T KICK IN FOR ME).

ANYHOW, BORED AND STUCK IN A HOUSE THAT IS NOT MINE WITH CATS THAT ARE NOT MINE (ONE OF WHICH WOKE ME UP THIS MORNING BY YANKING ON MY HAIR REAL HARD) IN A BED THAT IS NOT MINE, I HAVE HAD PLENTY OF TIME TO CATCH UP ON THE NEWS. READING A PRINT COPY OF THE NEW YORK TIMES THIS MORNING (I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THE LOCAL WAYNE NJ NEWS), I BECAME ENRAGED BY THE PENTAGON STUDY ON BODY ARMOR. APPARENTLY, WHILE VERBALLY TELLING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE DOING THEIR BEST TO PROVIDE SOLDIERS WITH WHAT THEY NEED, THE PENTAGON DID SOME STATISTIC CHECKING AND THE FACTS SHOW THAT 80% OF DEATHS DUE TO TORSO INJURIES COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED THROUGH BETTER ARMOR THAT PROTECTED THE SIDES AND SHOULDERS AS WELL AS THE BODY CORE.

NEEDLESS PREVENTABLE DEATHS. AND IT'S THE DEMOCRATS THAT ARE UNPATRIOTIC AND AGAINST THE SOLDIERS? WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THE MILITARY? HUH? WHO CHOOSES WHERE THE MONEY IS SPENT (UPPER LEVEL INCOMES, HALIBURTON CONTRACTS, ETC.)? WHO TOOK US TO WAR AND WHO IS DENYING ALL THE DIFFICULTIES AND BAD MANAGEMENT PLAGUING THE IRAQI CONFLICT? THESE PEOPLE IN CHARGE, THESE ARE THE REAL TRAITORS, AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY LYING AND CHEATING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE IS NOT CREATING HAVOC AND SCREAMS FOR IMPEACHMENT REACHING FAR BEYOND THE LIBERAL LEFT (OH YEAH, I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THOSE PESKY PSYCHOTROPICS, VIAGRA, AND VICODEN FOR A MOMENT).

AAAH, THAT WAS A GOOD VENT. THANKS FOR HEARING ME, SINCE NO ONE CAN HEAR MY VOICE TODAY

macking

so having dropped and killed my lap top last monday, i have recieved an ibook for getting my masters and i am loving it! anyhow, happy to be reconnected to the world

overshare

i am tired of only having personal stuff to talk about.

i mean, it is not as if the world has stopped, and yet i have. i find no interest in the news currently. i am tired of hearing more and more about the subversive realities our government is involved in. it's not as if knowing these things is making any difference, causing change. but ofcourse i have my own theory on why this is that involves decaying school systems as a tactic to keep the people down and the use of psychotropic medications, starting with ridalin in elementary school, to keep our children complacent and create adults that are dependant on drug companies for happiness.

but my personal stuff, now that is about growth and change, the growth and change of my own individualized self. i wish the story could be more interesting then it is, maybe full of blatant drug use and uncensored sexuality- but it is not. it is about me and my shadow, and our introduction to jackie, a cataclysmic woman (almost sounds racy, huh?) who is better known around here as my "majickal professor".

we have purpose for each other, and the only thing i am interested in anymore is the long, slow journey towards understanding this purpose. and yes, she is willing to go there with me, but time and convenience slow things down, and i am hesitant to face my future, so add my size ten clodhoppers dragging across the pavement and snow covered grass to the list of challenges facing us. and no, i don't know where we are going, but i sure am excited to find out.

...oh yeah, and in the middle of all this, i need to find a job, with benefits and everything, so if anyone knows of a good social work position that would allow me to receive supervision by an LISW, feel free to let me know.

song of the day: "closer to fine"- indigo girls
thank you, mandy, for this song of the future
said in my language, congradulations to us both on graduating

heifers and chickens

this year for christmas, i bought my friend sally's kids donation gifts of bees and fowl from http://www.heifer.org. they are all quite young, and when i called sally and told her, i thought she might be annoyed by these gifts, as i figure the kids won't like it. but sally surprised me with her response, saying that she has no problem talking to them about how much they have and how i am showing my love for them by trying to increase the quality of life for children that have less. she also told me jake, her second oldest and a wonderful almost-8 year old, would love the gift. i wish i could be there with them to talk about it, but due to graduating, i had to work this year PRN on the inpatient psych unit.

yes, i am jewish, and christmas means nothing to me, but i am honored to have my friend's support in reaching for what i understand to be the true meaning of this holiday, which is not about getting things (though hasbro would disagree with me i am sure) but about caring about things and changing the world.

Song of the day:

solstice

so today will be longer then yesterday was. last night,
the change in nature was guided for me by an invite to jackie's community celebration, with many free spirits, two bonfires, four horses, two dogs, one cat, and a timberwolf. there were drums, there was food, there was love

i can't think of a better way to pass the darkest hours of the year


Song of the day: laugh as the sun-rusted root
thanks to myself for this one
for believing in the power of us all

a different nature

i dont know how to change the nature of a relationship, move from student/teacher to colleagues. but class is over, i believe i have passed all my classes (now that i come tofind what i thought may not even be a C in my research class was an A), and i know that amazing professor does indeed see more in me. right now, though the grade is in, i am waiting to get back my final paper and class journal, then i will take risks in moving forward, but i wanted to share that transitions can be uncomfortable and akward, and i always feel threatened, like i can ruin something if i am not careful

Song of the day: what i am-edie brickell and the new bohemians

-thank you, Vanessa, for this song of self-acceptance
though not your first choice, it was an important reminder

tzedaka

The Meaning of "Tzedakah"
"Tzedakah" is the Hebrew word for the acts that we call "charity" in English: giving aid, assistance and money to the poor and needy or to other worthy causes. However, the nature of tzedakah is very different from the idea of charity. The word "charity" suggests benevolence and generosity, a magnanimous act by the wealthy and powerful for the benefit of the poor and needy. The word "tzedakah" is derived from the Hebrew root Tzade-Dalet-Qof, meaning righteousness, justice or fairness. In Judaism, giving to the poor is not viewed as a generous, magnanimous act; it is simply an act of justice and righteousness, the performance of a duty, giving the poor their due. (http://www.jewfaq.org/tzedakah.htm)

Song of the day: Imagine-John Lennon

Thank you, Debbie, for this reminder
of humanity and possibility and justice

double bubble

right now i am sitting in an adascc training, and chewing the first piece of bubble gum i have chewed since i started with a retainer in november of 2003. it is amazing. it is like being six years old again. i suggest that everybody get a piece of double bubble, and remember how determined you were
to chaw it into mushiness,
the exhileration of tongue pressing goo to ready position,
the push of air as you blowwwwwww,
the deflating or popping sound as bubble ends,
the glorious bumby slurp back to cheek,
licking strands of sweet off your lips.

Song of the day: scarecrow- melissa etheridge
thank you, lawanna, for your song of truth and love
you are so much more then what you believe you are

endings and changes

class is boring me boring me, and since we are allowed to take notes on our computer, i figured i'd look like i was taking notes but i would really be blogging ;)
school seems so mundane now, here, one paper and a learning contract shy of a degree. this is a time of transition, college ending, employment status changed, no job security- all those adult concerns like health insurance and purpose- i am terrified!

and ok, maybe your thinking, ' thirty may be a little old to just be starting to have these concerns', but i had other concerns to take on first-i am non-linear-i think i am done with this entry, but i am thinking about the gratitude i feel right now, and that should be a post of its own sometime.



Song of the day:#36- dave matthews band
-thank you, Brad, for this expression of connection and relationship
i can't speak for everyone, but absolutely, i'll dance with you.

so jeff says...

mr. hess told me my blog entries are too vague in my time of anxiety and so i will say,

female circumcision is the gender issue that disturbs me so (though it is illegal in senegal, talking about it is still unnerving).....
i dont remember what else he said was lacking

Song of the Day: Sometimes-Spearhead

-thank you, jackie, for this joyous song,
in all my anxiety i had forgotten to acknowledge the joyfulness.

a truly secular country

i had the opportunity to hear a man from senegal speak today. he is here getting his PhD in social work, and discussed a number of social issues that social workers in senegal deal with. i had some difficulty when he discussed gender, it can be really hard for me to see from a different enough perspective to not feel the feelings i felt, like some anger, lots of discomfort, and a feeling that must be akin to how a guy feels when his best friend gets kicked in the groin...

that aside, i was impressed with senegal's ability to deal with the HIV/AIDS crisis. i had already been aware that the french discovered the virus (saw 'and the band played on' at least ten times), but i was not aware that a sengalese? sengolian? sengae (like it would be in latin) anyhow, a doctor from senegal had been involved. he immediatly flew home and addressed the government. warned them about the possible crisis and said 'we have to take action!', and so it was .

two things above all are amazing in this man's story. first, this is the PREVENTION approach. imagine how many lives, and how much money were saved by taking these measures (take a look at the other areas of africa). second, despite the heavy influence of religion in the country (95% muslim, the iman's play a huge role in community decisions), there was no resistance when the government made the choice it did. its as if they know that not everyone believes in god, and understood that denying children, teenagers and adults access to affordable education and protection (and they do make these things available to anyone who wants or is having unmarried sex) was signing their death warrant.

i am going to look into this more.

Song of the day: i am still sad and it is still Cedar Tree

the end of something wonderful

my class, you know the one with the majickal professor, ended today, and it was the loss of so much more then just a taste of education (yeah, like i feel kind of naked without my notebook that i carried and loved for the past fifteen weeks-but the notebook is now just a frozen moment of time to be looked back on, not added to) i dont think this ending treated everyone the same-poor L. couldnt even get it together to get to class, but i believe that each of us has had our world changed by this experience.

my heart hurts today, but i am so excited to see what the future holds.

Song of the day:Cedar Tree- Indigo Girls

so sorry

the anxiety of finals is getting to me, i am feeling at risk of not making it through the semester, so i will be silent for another two weeks mosxt likwly

imprisonment

i am locked in my apartment right now, have plans, have calls to make, but my cell phone is in the car and my door knob jammed and then i tried to take the door handle off which only made things worse. so i called the emergency number, and the on call maintenance is on his way. only i am at shaker square and he is on the west side and it is snowing like mad, so it appears that i am not going out nor talking to anyone (since my land line has no long distance and all my local numbers are not memorized but on my phone).

looks like a long boring night of waiting thats in store for me tonight.

news?

From Yahoo News: AUSTIN, Texas - Attorneys for Rep. Tom DeLay are hoping a judge will dismiss the conspiracy and money laundering charges against the former House majority leader so he can regain the powerful seat.

Duh! if i was his lawyer, that's exactly what i would want too.

Song of the day:

a question for anyone

"And the question in my mind is how many additional American casualties is Saddam worth?" Cheney said then in response to a question."And the answer is not very damned many. So I think we got it right, both when we decided to expel him from Kuwait, but also when the president made the decision that we'd achieved our objectives and we were not going to go get bogged down in the problems of trying to take over and govern Iraq."

i found this in a yahoo discussion on al-zarqawi's status. it was supposedly a comment cheney made in 1992 about decisions that were made about iraq the first time around. was wondering if anyone knows the validity of this quote or the actual source or maybe even remember anything about this.

Song of the day:

clear message on iraq for once

"our troops have become the primary target of the insurgency. they are united against u.s. forces and we have become a catalyst for violence. the war in iraq is not going as advertised. it is a flawed policy wrapped in illusion"- Sen. Murtha.

and so where we are, people get hurt. what i really like about what senator murtha said is the clarity in it. he has a belief that we should withdrawal in six months, and he supports his belief with sound logic- that our presence in iraq is what is leading to the high level violence and iraqi civilian casualties (catalyst for violence). and i say this knowing that something can be logical without being "true", though i think it's a sound theory.

i dont know that i agreee with the senator, but i do know that i would like to have some alternatives to it that clearly state both what is disagreed/agreed with and why keep something or what they would like to replace something with so i could make a sound decision on what to support. but nobody really says anything. they squabble and fight... like this attacking of murtha for having a different and viable opinion/alternative.

i am tired of my government treating me like an eight year old, when the world was still black and white, and your father (president) spouting that old cliche "because i said so" was enough to make you tow the line.

gestalt?

suddenly, out of my fear and confusion, all these options for the next phase of my life are being thrown at me. my mother left a message on my machine this morning that pretty much said that if i want a doctorate i can do that next with her financial help.
just last night that majickal professor of mine suggested the gestalt institute, which i would love at some point.
my field supervisor recommended getting a job as a mental health case manager through center for children and families....

but still, the question remains, what about the health insurance?

Song of the day: theme song to reading rainbow

the blue cross/blue shield blues

so here i am, only four weeks from grad and the "you mean i have to get a real job?!" panic is starting to set in a little.

now don't get me wrong, i am really looking forward to heading into my professional life, but i am afraid that i will have to base my life decisions on what kind health insurance i can get.

i was diagnosed with MS when i was 20. at that point i had insurance through my mother, and about a year and a half after i was diagnosed, they found something my mother did wrong in her application, and we were kicked off the insurance

enter the "pre-existing condition". when i reached my cobra limit later on, and had to get insurance, i had no options. there is a clause in the HIPAA (health insurance portability and accountability act) laws that requires companies to insure you so long as you were insured at the time of diagnosis and have had continuing coverage since (which i was and did). this is the pre-existing condition" clause. not every state has one, but the state of ohio does have a pre-existing condition clause, so i was guaranteed the basic minimum plan (20% coverage after deductable). that is the only coverage available to me.

i know my anxiety is a little premature, i do not know much about how it works through employment as opposed to individual plans, but i feel limited by needing to think in terms of "what states have no pre-existing clauses?"


Song of the day:

targeting a self-indulgence

so this morning i got some very sad news. i found out that target superstores have a policy that allows pharmacists to refuse to fill birth control prescriptions. the consequence is that i will no longer be able to spend my saturday afternoons shopping for affordable home decorations and cheaper cat litter.

oh oh oh, my class is starting so i can't go into my tirade on how miserable it makes me when my integrity is at odds with my frivolous self-comforts - after all, i am all ready off to a bad start to this class having been late the first day and forgett ing to take me name tag with me despite explicit instructions to take it and be sure to bring it bask

Song of the day: "as is" by ani difranco

a vote of reason

cheers to voters in pennsylvania, who showed the true power of the masses when they failed to re-elect eight of the nine school board members who added intellegent design to the science curriculum. here's to the seperation of church and state!

read the story at:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20051109/pl_nm/election_usa_evolution_dc

i, torturer

when i read that our government would not allow the UN to interview our prisoners, i felt angry and thought about blogging, but i was busy, and blah blah blah.
but then i caught Bill Mahr, and heard about the 'black sites' and found this:

from Boing Boing:
Black sites, reports of torture by US overseas Snip from the big Washington Post story today:
The CIA has been hiding and interrogating some of its most important al Qaeda captives at a Soviet-era compound in Eastern Europe, according to U.S. and foreign officials familiar with the arrangement.
The secret facility is part of a covert prison system set up by the CIA nearly four years ago that at various times has included sites in eight countries, including Thailand, Afghanistan and several democracies in Eastern Europe, as well as a small center at the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba, according to current and former intelligence officials and diplomats from three continents.
The hidden global internment network is a central element in the CIA's unconventional war on terrorism. It depends on the cooperation of foreign intelligence services, and on keeping even basic information about the system secret from the public, foreign officials and nearly all members of Congress charged with overseeing the CIA's covert actions.

now i saw the midnight express, and i know that the rules in these counties are far from american values based. HOW DO I FIGHT THIS? i am ashamed to be american tonight.

perfectionism

will be an issue. i haven't known what to say these past few days, is it too much information, will people (my friends) think i am stupid or silly or frivolous, wasting space and time... on and on and on it goes.

i dread my humanity and envy every one else's ability to just live their lives and love eachother, and faith, how the hell am i supposed to learn how to have faith?

i want to be perfect at something, just one thing truly... only it never sticks to one thing right, and perfectionism is a myth. nothing is perfect, not even god.

the greek gods were so imperfect. the gritty reality of human nature divided into seperate, concrete, individuals that could be easily understood and taught. but my imperfection confuses me, and i get so anxious that someone's gonna be mad at me and i am gonna be in T-R-O-U-B-L-E (can we say super ego or complex or faulty thinking or whatever) for being wrong wrong wrong.

but i keep on keeping on.


song of the day: "season of the witch" by donovan.